


Anathema

by DragonSwirl



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Imaginary Friends, M/M, No Smut, Platonic Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-11
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:07:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 43
Words: 75,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22657546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonSwirl/pseuds/DragonSwirl
Summary: Anathema: someone or something that one vehemently dislikes; an abhorrence, abomination, accursed. Someone or something consigned to damnation or destruction.Life can get pretty difficult when your only two friends are imaginary, and it's even harder when they're not exactly the most positive people on the planet.Tyler is used to that, though, and he's used to pretending they're not there when other people are around. It wasn't so bad, at first, but now that one of them is bent on getting rid of the other, he's having his doubts. Besides, there's another boy now - though Tyler's not even sure if he's real or not, either....Inspired by a certain fic you've all readUpdates every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday...Also published on Wattpad under the same username
Relationships: Josh Dun/Tyler Joseph
Comments: 22
Kudos: 27





	1. one - two faces

**Author's Note:**

> I do not use trigger warnings in chapters. However, this story deals heavily with depression, anxiety, suicide, self-harm, etc. Read at your own risk. Stay safe <3
> 
> This story is very personal to me and I hope you guys like it

"I can't sleep."

"Then shut up."

"But my thoughts are too loud."

"Count sheep."

"That doesn't work."

"I'll count for you."

"Please don't -"

"One sheep jumped off the cliff and splattered on the rocks below. Two sheep jumped through a barbed wire fence and shredded all the skin off their bones. Three sheep jumped over the fence and were torn apart by ravenous wolves. Four sheep..."

Why did every conversation they had at night end up in death?

Tyler rolled over onto his side and covered his ears with his pillow, but he could still hear them talking. Couldn't they just shut up for one night? He stared intently as his alarm clock, watching the glowing red numbers change from  _ 2:26  _ to  _ 2:27 _ .

"Twelve sheep jumped in front of a train and splattered across the engine. Thirteen sheep jumped off a bridge and drowned in the river. Fourteen sheep jumped into a conversation and realized that they were no longer wanted, so they went home and found a rope and -"

"Will you shut up?" Tyler demanded, turning onto his other side and propping himself up on his elbow to glare at them. The two other boys jerked in surprise, startled by his outburst.

"Hung themselves," the boy in the beanie finished under his breath.

"I'm exhausted, and I don't want to stay up listening to you discussing all the ways to kill a sheep, okay?" Tyler glared right at him, but he just stared blankly back.

"Clancy said he couldn't sleep," he said in a monotone.

Tyler glanced at the other boy, who was staring at nothing with wide eyes. His face was pale and he was shaking. "Great, now you've successfully scared him half to death and he'll be keeping me up all night. Thanks, Nico."

"No problem," he said, his eyes seeming to stare right into his soul.

Tyler tried to hold his gaze to prove his point, but eventually, he had to drop his eyes and lay back down, praying that he'd get at least a few minutes of sleep.

The room fell silent, only broken by the shrill ringing in his ears. As usual, now that death was on his mind, he couldn't get it out. He visualized each death Nico had so vividly described, but instead of sheep, he saw himself. It felt very dangerously casual, like wearing old jeans to Christmas Mass, and that made him nervous. He knew these thoughts weren't exactly normal, but they weren't affecting his day time, so he hadn't told his parents. He didn't know if he ever could, and that was the problem. If they got any worse, he could be in serious trouble.

His thoughts were interrupted by soft humming. It was barely audible, but it was just loud enough to keep him awake.

"Go to sleep, Clancy," Tyler grumbled.

"Sorry," the other boy whispered, but after only a few minutes, he started humming again.

"Knock it off. I'm trying to sleep."

"Sorry," Clancy said again. Tyler heard him shift his weight and take a few deep breaths, and knew that he was feeling anxious again. That meant he'd be up all night.

"Just focus on your breathing," Tyler muttered, closing his eyes, but now he was feeling the flutter of anxiety in his chest as well, like an eagle plucking another bird's feathers. He hated that he fed off of their emotions, but he couldn't stop it, so he tried to take his own advice, with no luck.

"Clancy's scared of the dark," Nico taunted, startling both of them.

"Everything's different at night," Clancy mumbled.

"Do you want me to turn on the light?" Tyler suggested.

"Yes." Clancy shifted again, tugging on the blanket.

"No. It's too bright," Nico said.

"Please?" he asked softly. "I'm -"

" _ No _ ." Nico cut him off more forcefully this time. "It's too bright."

Tyler climbed out of bed and stumbled to the light switch, blindly feeling the wall until he found it. "He needs it to calm down."

He heard a soft thump, and then Clancy yelped softly. "No, it's okay," he said quickly. "I'm fine."

Tyler frowned, confused at the sudden change. "You sure?"

"Yeah."

Tyler thought he heard his voice crack, but he wasn't sure. Instead of dwelling on it, he just shrugged it off and climbed back into bed, though he suddenly felt suffocated by all the blankets. "Alright, but if you change your mind, you can go turn it on."

"Alright."

He didn't say anything for the rest of the night, but for some reason, Tyler still couldn't sleep.


	2. two - a lot of problems

"Hey, Tyler. How'd you sleep?" his mother asked as he shuffled into the kitchen.

"Hardly at all," he said, rubbing his eyes and glaring at Nico when his mother wasn't looking. As usual, the other boy stared silently back at him, lingering in the corner of the room like he always did.

"I'm sorry. Don't forget we're going over to Grandpa's this afternoon."

Tyler thought he heard Nico growl softly. "Okay," he said, ignoring him the best he could. He enjoyed his grandfather's company, so it was no surprise Nico didn't like it. It seemed like he purposefully hated the things that made Tyler happy.

He wandered to the counter and put a piece of bread in the toaster. He wanted to say something to his mother, maybe tell her about the strange conversation about killing sheep, but Nico's soulless stare made him reconsider. He scowled at him and turned back to the toaster.

"What are you looking at?" his mother asked.

Three years ago, he told her the truth. She'd thought he was crazy, especially since he was thirteen then, and much too old for imaginary friends. He wouldn't go through that humiliation again. "Nothing," he muttered, a sick feeling settling in his stomach.

"Probably shouldn't eat that if you feel sick," Clancy's timid voice came from behind him.

Tyler jumped in surprise, and thankfully, the toaster popped, giving him an excuse if his mother asked about it. "Don't do that," he hissed under his breath.

"Sorry," Clancy mumbled, ducking his head, and Tyler felt a stab of guilt.

Clancy had been there the longest, but he wasn't nearly as annoying. He didn't mind his company most of the time. Tyler couldn't even remember how they met, or how he'd figured out he wasn't real, either. He just remembered talking with him as a kid, and he remembered the strange, nervous feeling that always followed him around.

Nico, on the other hand, was an entirely different story.

"You're thinking about me again, aren't you?" the other boy said from across the room. His monotonous voice somehow felt more hostile today. "How you hate me and want me gone."

"I don't want you gone," Tyler said.

His mother paused at the stairs. "What was that?"

"Nothing," he said, buttering his toast very deliberately to try and avoid more questions.

"You've been acting a little strange recently," she said slowly. "Is everything okay?"

Again, he felt that urge to tell her the truth, but a rush of anxiety took hold of him as Clancy grabbed his arm. "What if she takes you to an insane asylum?" he whispered, his voice shaking.

"She'll think you're a freak," Nico said. "You're better off staying quiet."

"Everything's fine," Tyler told his mom, cringing slightly. The lie tasted bitter on his tongue. "Just...a little stressed."

"About what?"

He knew he was lucky to have such good parents who loved him and cared about him, but sometimes he wished they wouldn't ask those kinds of questions. His mind frantically searched for something to say. "Just...the game in a couple days," he said. "I'll be outside practicing." He suddenly felt rushed and sick, like writhing green worms had burrowed in his stomach, so he left his toast on the counter and hurried upstairs to change. His mother watched him go without another word.

Clancy was quick to follow him up to his bedroom, while Nico took his sweet time trudging up the stairs. Tyler slammed the door and pulled off his pajama shirt. "Make sure he doesn't come in," he told Clancy, though he knew that it was his nature to let him in at the first knock.

Only a few seconds passed before the demand came. "Let me in."

"Tyler said no," Clancy said, his voice shaking.

"It wasn't a request. Let me in. He needs me."

Tyler sighed as the door slowly opened and Nico shoved Clancy out of the way. He tightened up and braced himself for the oncoming insult, cringing as it came.

"You look practically homeless," Nico said, circling him like a vulture. "Try a beanie. That'll at least hide the mess that's your hair. A hoodie would be nice."

"He can't practice in a hoodie," Clancy said softly from the back of the room.

"Shut up." Nico pointed forcefully at him without even looking. "I'm just trying to help you, Tyler. People already think you're weird. We're your only friends. If you can get people to like you, maybe you'll have a shot at life."

"People don't think I'm weird," Tyler grumbled, but he pulled the red beanie on anyway.

Nico laughed almost sarcastically. "Yeah, they do. Every time someone in our neighborhood drives by, they stare at you. You spend hours in the yard shooting hoops alone. Nobody spends their time alone like that. You need friends, Tyler, and let's face it. Your team members think you're that weird homeschooled kid who doesn't know how to talk to people. You have to make them like you. If they don't like you now, you have to change."

"But change is scary," Clancy mumbled.

"I said shut up. You need to spend more time figuring out what people like. Then you can make sure you fit into that category."

"I also need to practice," Tyler said, though he knew he wouldn't be able to argue his way out of this. Nico always had the last word. "If I don't get good at basketball, I won't get a scholarship, and I won't get into college."

"Then he'd be a disappointment," Clancy added unhelpfully, nervously tucking and untucking one side of his wrinkled button-up.

"You won't get anywhere without connections," Nico said, sitting on the edge of his bed and making a show of examining his fingernails. "Nobody cares how good you are. They just care about who you know."

"But he can't talk to people," Clancy said.

"Yeah, I can," Tyler insisted, though he knew he struggled socially. The words just never came out quite like he wanted to, and - whether he wanted to admit it or not - Nico had a point. When he struggled to hold a decent conversation, people thought he was weird.

"No, you can't. That's the whole problem." Nico stretched out on his bed, acting very casual. Tyler knew that whenever he acted overly casual, he was about to say something he knew they wouldn't like. "And who's the cause of your anxiety?"

"Me."

"Yes and no." He chuckled again. "Who's the one who always brings up ten things to be afraid of at night? Who always makes sure you think about the worst possible scenario just before a big event? Who refuses to leave your side?"

Tyler glanced at Clancy instinctively, and the other boy seemed to shrink down into his shoulders. He quickly brought his attention back to Nico. "Yeah, but you're the one who won't stop talking about how much better life would be if we were all dead."

"Wouldn't it, though?" Nico sighed in mock regret. "I'm tired of beating around the bush. You know who I'm talking about."

"But I -" Clancy started, but Nico glared at him, and he went quiet.

"But he hasn't done anything," Tyler protested, though he knew that wasn't exactly true.

"That's a lie and we both know it."

Nico sat up and held his gaze steadily. Tyler always looked into a mirror when he met Nico's eyes. He saw himself - but he only saw everything wrong with him. He saw every flaw and every failure, and he hated himself more with every second he spent looking at him.

"You need to get rid of him," Nico said in a monotone, as if they were talking about an old stuffed animal instead of a person.

Was he a person? Tyler wasn't sure. Did an imaginary friend count as a human being? Even if he wasn't a real person, Tyler didn't know what he'd do without him. Clancy had been around for everything. He'd been there for every important moment of his life, and even though he wasn't exactly the most helpful person around, and even though he'd caused his share of problems, Tyler didn't want him to leave.

Nico picked up on his hesitation almost instantly. "Oh, come _ on _ , Tyler. He's completely useless. He's never done anything to help you."

"Neither have you." Tyler wanted to believe that was true, but at the same time, Nico often made good points. He wasn't usually this mean, either.

"We both know _ that's _ not true."

"You're being a jerk."

Nico shrugged. "Sometimes the truth hurts."

"Stop being mean," Clancy mumbled.

"Name one time you've actually been helpful," Nico said, leaning back against the wall with his fingers laced behind his head. He almost blended into the shadows with his black clothing, and his pale face almost made him look like some sort of ghost. Had his hands always been so dark?

Clancy shifted his weight uncomfortably and stared at the floor, his hands behind his back. "Well...one time he played really well after I talked to him."

"The only reason he played well was because you scared him into proving you wrong. That doesn't count. Give me another time."

Tyler didn't want to hear where this was going. Nico could be very convincing, and he didn't want to lose Clancy. "Alright, that's enough. Both of you calm down. A friend doesn't have to be helpful. I don't have to take advantage of his usefulness to enjoy his company."

"He's the one who keeps you up all night."

"You contribute a whole lot. You're acting weird, Nico, and honestly, I don't really like it. Don't be mean to Clancy. He didn't do anything wrong." Tyler grabbed his basketball out of his closet and stormed out of the room, brushing shoulders with Clancy. The other boy flinched as they came in contact, and only hesitated a second to glance over his shoulder before he followed Tyler downstairs and out to the yard. Nico stayed where he was, staring after them with empty eyes and a cold smile.


	3. three - i want to say hello

The ball bounced off the rim of the hoop, and Tyler sighed in frustration. He couldn't stop thinking about what Nico had said earlier, and the distraction messed with his abilities. He caught the ball as it bounced back toward him and then threw it at the house with a frustrated growl. It bounced off the sidewalk only a foot from where Clancy was sitting picking the grass, and the other boy shrieked and scrambled up to his feet.

"Sorry," Tyler said absentmindedly, retrieving it without looking at him.

"Do you really want me gone?" he asked softly, sensing his thoughts.

"No," Tyler said, dribbling the basketball for a moment to try and clear his head. The steady rhythm calmed his nerves enough to shoot again. This time, it rolled around the edge before dropping in.

"Are you sure?"

"Pretty sure."

Clancy shifted his weight again and then sat down cross-legged in the grass. "It's just that...sometimes it feels like you don't like me very much."

Sometimes, he didn't, but that's what it was like to have friends, right? "I still like you, even if you sometimes do things I don't like," he said carefully. "You don't need to worry about it." But he knew it was pointless to try to keep Clancy from worrying. He worried about everything, even if there was nothing to worry about.

The other boy didn't answer, and Tyler just shrugged and hoped to get a few good baskets in before he distracted him again. He got seven in almost perfectly before Nico came out and stood beside Clancy, watching him with his arms crossed. Tyler felt a squeeze of pressure in his chest just knowing he was there. He never felt good enough when Nico was watching.

Surprisingly, he didn't say anything, even when Tyler missed a shot. That gave him a little burst of encouragement, but that quickly faded as he glanced over and saw someone he didn't recognize, watching him.

Instantly, both he and the stranger froze, and the other two boys turned to look as well. As expected, Clancy panicked.

"Shut up," Nico grumbled, kicking him before he could get any words out. "You'll make him feel stupid. Remember what I said, Tyler. Be what he wants you to be."

Tyler opened his mouth to say something, but the words refused to come out. The stranger looked about his age, and he wore a grey jacket and a grey beanie, and Tyler thought he could see a bit of pink hair sticking out from under the hat like dandelion fluff. He looked just as surprised as he was.

"Hey," Tyler said awkwardly.

"H-hey," the kid responded, ducking his head slightly. "Um...you're - you're really good."

"Thanks."

The stranger shifted his weight, and Tyler glanced at Nico for reassurance.

"You have to say  _ something _ ," Clancy said, chewing on his thumbnail.

"Let him think for a second," Nico muttered.

"This is so uncomfortable." Clancy hid his face in his hands and tried to make himself look smaller.

Tyler noticed his hands were shaking, even as he held the basketball. The stranger's hands were stuffed in his jacket pockets, but he was sure they were shaking, too.

"Ask him a question or something," Clancy suggested, his voice muffled by his hands. "I can't take this anymore."

"Do you..." Tyler said, pausing to swallow nervously. "Do you want to try?"

The stranger looked surprised and confused for a second. "Oh, uh...sure."

"Not  _ that  _ question! Now he's coming over and you'll have to keep talking!" Clancy climbed to his feet, his arms wrapped around his waist protectively. "I have to pace or something. I can't watch this."

"Shut up and hold still," Nico ordered, keeping his eyes locked on the exchange. "This is perfect. Just what we were talking about."

"This is anything but perfect!" Clancy shrieked.

Tyler tried his best to ignore them as he handed the stranger the basketball. The other took it hesitantly, and held it for a moment as if he didn't know what to do with it.

"What's your name?" Tyler asked.

The stranger glanced at him and dropped his eyes again. "Josh," he mumbled.

"I'm Tyler."

"I know."

What was  _ that  _ supposed to mean?

Josh cringed slightly. "Sorry, that was probably the wrong thing to say. Hey, Tyler. Nice to meet you."

"Hey," he said slowly. He glanced at Nico again and then at the hoop. "Are you going to take the shot?"

"What? Oh, yeah." Josh adjusted his grip on the basketball and shifted a little, as if he wasn't sure what he was doing. "I'm not very good, though."

"That's alright."

He hesitated again, and then threw the basketball with no technique at all. It fell short, both in height and distance, and he ducked his head and mumbled something about how he wasn't very good at sports.

Tyler retrieved the ball and bounced it a couple times. "That's okay. Nobody's good the first couple times they play."

"I should probably go," Josh said, turning and starting back to the street.

"Where are you going?"

"Home."

Tyler thought he saw him wince as he said it. "Okay. You can come back sometime. If you want. I could teach you how to shoot hoops. Only if you want."

Josh turned back and flashed a small smile, the corners of his eyes crinkling. "Yeah, okay."

And then he rounded the corner and disappeared from view.

"Well, you messed that up," Nico said casually.

"No, I didn't," Tyler protested.

"You totally messed it up!" Clancy shrieked. "You asked him to come back! You don't even know him!"

"Oh, you're on his side now?"

"That was so embarrassing," he moaned, sinking to the ground again.

"I was just doing what Nico told me to," Tyler said, trying to defend himself. He had a feeling they were both right. Now that he thought about it, he  _ had _ sounded a little desperate. "He said he'd come back."

"He said,  _ yeah, okay, _ " Nico said, crossing his arms again. "He probably pitied you. He said it to make you feel better."

"He looked completely embarrassed," Clancy said.

Tyler felt his face flush red, and dropped his eyes to the ground. He knew they were right. He'd tried to make a friend, he'd tried to be a normal person, and he'd only managed to embarrass both of them. He had no doubt that Josh would laugh about it when he got home, and probably tell his siblings or his parents about the desperate freak he'd met that day. Suddenly, he wished he could rewind like a tape and start the day over, and decide to stay inside and never come out.

"Well, I mean at least I know what  _ not  _ to do," he grumbled, tossing the basketball carelessly at the hoop. It went in the basket, but he hardly noticed.

"But do you really?" Nico said, giving him a disapproving look, as if Tyler had done something he'd specifically told him not to do.

Instead of answering, Tyler let out a frustrated growl and stormed back into the house, leaving his only two friends outside, staring after him.

"I told you he was hopeless," he thought he heard Nico say.


	4. four - fear leads to anxiety

Tyler was oddly quiet the next few days. Even he knew he was confusing his family. Though he'd never been a loud, attention-seeking kid, he'd never been this quiet, either.

"You have to tell them," Clancy said one morning as he was getting dressed to go practice again.

"Tell them what?" Tyler snapped. "There's nothing to tell."

"Tell them why you're suddenly so distant."

"I'm always distant."

Clancy shrugged and tucked one side of his shirt in absentmindedly. "They're going to ask uncomfortable questions if you don't take action first."

"So you want me to tell them about Josh?"

He almost nodded. Tyler almost swore he could see it. But then Clancy hesitated. "Well...maybe not."

Tyler sighed through his nose. "And why not?"

"If he's not real, you could have the same experience you did when you told your mom about us."

Tyler took a breath to protest, but then paused. "Wait, what do you mean,  _ if  _ he's not real? Isn't he?"

"How'd you figure out Nico wasn't real?" Clancy said softly.

"I...I told Mom I'd made a friend at practice, and when he came home with me..." Tyler let his voice trail off as he remembered.

He'd been so excited to introduce him, and in an instant, the feelings had been replaced by fear. Nothing but cold fear. His mother hadn't thought it was funny. He'd tried to tell her that it wasn't a joke, but she'd only gotten angry. He remembered looking at Clancy and then back at Nico, and then realizing how oddly similar the two were, even though they didn't get along. And the fear had been a physical thudding in his chest, twisting its icy knife into his heart.

He knew he was crazy. Sometimes, he had to remind himself.  _ I'm not a normal person.  _ That never made it easier. That first day he'd realized it had been one of the worst days of his life, and that was when Nico stayed for good. They didn't just  _ hang out  _ like they used to. This was a permanent relationship, whether he liked it or not.

Was Josh the same? Would he become just another reminder of how completely unnatural he was?

"So what do you suggest I do, then?" he said, turning his back on Clancy and staring angrily at the wall.

"I don't know."

"Lie to them," Nico said from the corner of the room, where he was barely visible.

"To my parents? They'd never believe it."

"They don't believe you when you tell the truth, either."

Tyler turned the tank top over in his hands and stared down at his skinny frame. "No one believes me, no matter what I say. Then why bother saying anything at all?"

"I believe you," Clancy said softly.

He let out a sarcastic laugh. "Thanks. One imaginary person believes me."

"You asked for a suggestion, and I gave one," Nico said. "If you don't like it, then fine. Do you have any better ideas?"

Tyler pulled his shirt on and wandered to the window, leaning on the window sill. A group of birds flew out of a tree and into the cloudy sky, seeming so light and carefree. Why couldn't he fly away like they could? He glanced at the ground, but quickly looked back up as his mind jumped on the thought of falling. "Do you think he'll really come back?" he asked.

"Definitely not," Nico said. "You freaked him out. No one makes friends like that."

"Then how do they do it?" Tyler demanded, whirling around and glaring right at him. "What am I doing wrong? I've been around the guys on my team for years now and I'm still not friends with any of them. What do they see in me that prevents a friendship? What's wrong with me?"

"For starters, normal people don't have imaginary friends when they're sixteen," Nico said, adjusting his red beanie. His hands and neck were darker than Tyler remembered. Like he was smeared in black paint.

"So you want me to get rid of you?"

"No, just Clancy."

Tyler spun on Clancy, just to look at him, but he was angry and confused and scared, and his expression was hard and cold. Clancy flinched backward and hunched over, trying to hide in his shoulders. "If I've done something wrong, I'm sorry," he mumbled.

Immediately, Tyler felt a stab of guilt and his expression softened. "No, you didn't, I'm just...I'm just..." He didn't even know what he was feeling. He wanted something, but he didn't know what it was or why it hurt so much to think about it. "I'm just going crazy."

He didn't wait for their responses. He grabbed the basketball and got out of there as fast as he could. He wished he could have a few moments alone, if only to sort through the dozens of confusing emotions and thoughts, but he knew that was too much to ask for.


	5. five - here we are again

He didn't bother actually practicing. He just sat on the curb and spun the basketball on his finger, just thinking. What if Josh wasn't real? What if he didn't come back? What if he  _ did? _ What did he think of him?

He glanced behind him, but Clancy and Nico were nowhere in sight. What if he did get rid of them? What would life be like without them? They'd been there for years, and Nico hadn't been lying when he said they were his only friends. Most of the time, even his own siblings avoided him.

_ Nobody would notice if I wasn't here. _

The basketball fell off of his finger and bounced into the road. He watched it roll to the other side, and then he resumed staring at the ground, wondering what was so wrong with him.

"Hey," someone said softly. Tyler looked up in surprise to see Josh holding his basketball and shifting his weight slightly. "Is this yours?"

"Oh, yeah, that's mine," Tyler said slowly, standing up and accepting it.

They stood in silence for a minute before Josh took a deep breath. "I just wanted to apologize for last time," he said, rubbing his neck uncomfortably. "I'm usually not that awkward. I just...it was a rough day, and I hope I didn't embarrass you. Can - can we start over?"

It took Tyler a moment to process what he'd said. Start over? Maybe this time he'd do something right. He let his eyes flicker to his side, but he still didn't see either of his friends. "Yeah, sure."

Josh smiled, his eyes sparkling like stars and glitter. "Sweet. I'm Josh."

"Tyler," he said.

"What school do you go to? I haven't seen you around very often."

"Oh, um...I'm actually homeschooled. I'm - I'm on the basketball team though."

"Makes sense why I haven't seen you around then. That's cool. I've never been good at sports. I can play them if I want, but I'm not good." Josh laughed softly in embarrassment. "You probably noticed how awful my shot was last time."

Tyler shrugged. "You said it was a bad day. The only reason I'm good is because I spend most of my afternoon practicing." He didn't mention that he'd been coming out in the morning, too, only so he could avoid everyone else.

Josh looked around him and into the yard where the hoop was. "Could you make it from here?"

Tyler turned, half expecting to see Clancy and Nico, but they were still out of sight, though he knew they were probably watching. "I don't know. We'll find out." He took a moment to mentally prepare, and decided that this was his chance to prove he wasn't a total loser like the rest of the neighborhood thought. He readied himself and took the shot, knowing he messed up the second the ball left his hands. It hit the backboard, then the rim, and then to his surprise, slowly tipped into the basket.

Josh's eyes went wide. "Dude, that was sick!"

Tyler felt the heat rise to his cheeks. No one had ever been so impressed by one of his baskets before - or at least no one had ever verbalized it quite like Josh had. Like he really meant it. "Thanks," he mumbled.

"How long have you been playing?"

"A long time. Since I was a kid."

"Cool."

Josh stuck his hands in his jacket pockets, and Tyler noticed that he was wearing the same thing he had when they'd first met. Jeans, jacket, beanie. His heart jumped in panic as he realized it. Clancy and Nico always wore the same thing everyday, too. Half of him wanted to ask Josh if he was a real person, but he didn't want to seem rude or crazy, so he kept his mouth shut.

Josh glanced at him and noticed his sudden discomfort. "You okay?" he asked softly.

"What?" Tyler blinked as the thoughts shifted to the back of his mind. "Oh, yeah. Sorry. I just got distracted for a sec."

"Can I try?" he asked, pointing as the basketball rolled behind the house.

"Sure."

Josh retrieved the ball, and Tyler followed much slower, still thinking about imaginary friends. He found himself talking to Josh like he talked to the other two boys, and he didn't talk like that around other people. He wasn't comfortable enough to speak without emotionless mumbling, even around his family. But with Clancy and Nico, and now Josh, it seemed, he could talk without any trouble.

The basketball hit the ground next to him, scaring him back into reality. "Sorry," Josh called.

Tyler caught the ball and tossed it back. "It's okay. I wasn't paying attention." He rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "Sorry, I'm super out of it today."

"Could you teach me how to make better shots?"

"What?" Tyler blinked in surprise. "Teach you?"

Josh shrugged. "Sure. You're really good, and I thought maybe you could help me. I mean, only if you want to."

"Oh." He glanced around once more, and this time, he caught a glimpse of Clancy peeking out from behind the back door, almost as if he was hiding. Hiding from Josh. That only made him more nervous. "Yeah, I can try."

Josh grinned, and Tyler noticed the corners of his eyes scrunched up and made his smile look wider. "Sweet. Thanks."

Tyler took the ball and showed him proper technique, like how he moved his hands to get the ball to leave exactly how he wanted, and even after only a few tries, Josh's shot began to improve. Tyler even found that he didn't mind hanging out with him - something he hadn't felt in a long time. And then a thought occurred to him.

"Wait, today's Thursday," he said slowly, and he saw Josh stiffen out of the corner of his eye. "Aren't you supposed to be in school?"

He didn't answer for a moment. "Yeah," he muttered.

"You're ditching?"

"Yeah." This time, Josh cringed slightly.

"Won't your parents notice?"

"Not unless someone tells them. You won't, right?"

"No," Tyler said quickly. "I don't even know your parents."

"Good." He breathed a sigh of relief. "I can't stand that place."

"What's so bad about it?"

Josh actually laughed out loud, startling Tyler. "The people are all fake. And recently, my girlfriend cheated, I got detention for starting a fight during lunch, and I failed my math class. Everyone hates me, even my teachers."

"Oh." Tyler shifted his weight uncomfortably. "I'm sure not everyone hates you."

"You'd be surprised." Josh looked at him and sighed. "Sorry. You didn't need to know all that."

"It makes me feel like your friend," Tyler said without thinking, and then quickly corrected himself. "We...we are friends, right? You don't think I'm weird like the rest of the neighborhood?"

Josh smiled again. "Hey, even if you are weird, I'm pretty messed up, too."

"Tyler?" his mom called suddenly, and both of them flinched in surprise. "You out there?"

"I should go," Josh said quickly.

"You can stay if you want," Tyler said. "She won't care."

"I really need to go." He flashed him an apologetic grin that lasted only a split second. "Thanks for hanging out. See you."

Tyler watched in confusion as Josh broke into a run and disappeared around the corner, gone as suddenly as he'd come. Just like Nico, when he'd first met him. "See you," he said softly.


	6. six - thunderstorms

Tyler found himself waiting at the window, watching for Josh. He didn't come for another few days, but the second Tyler caught sight of him, he made up some excuse to go outside and ran out the door. He was eager to spend more time with him, so that maybe he could figure out if he was real or not.

Josh flashed a smile and waved a little when he saw Tyler, and that eased some of the anxiety in Tyler's chest. He was worried that Josh didn't want to hang out with him anymore after being so awkward the last two times.

"You look desperate," Nico said.

"He  _ is  _ desperate," Clancy said.

Tyler glanced over his shoulder, noticing how they stayed far away from Josh, but then tried to ignore them as he approached him. "Hey," he said as cheerfully as he could, even though he still felt that flutter of anxiety in his stomach, not quite like butterflies. More like cockroaches. "How are you?"

Josh shrugged. "Fine."

"Ditching again?"

He gave him a guilty smile. "Yeah..."

"Could we hang out again?"

This time, Josh laughed. "Well, that's why I came over. You're the only person I can talk to without someone yelling at me. At least out here, anyway."

"Did you hear that? He only came back because you're the only one," Nico hissed.

_ I'm sure that's not true,  _ Tyler thought, but he didn't say anything.

"Maybe he's desperate, too," Clancy suggested, his voice slightly muffled as he chewed on his thumbnail, a habit Tyler had thought he'd broken long ago. Seeing it come back made him more nervous.

"What if we went to the park today?" Josh said softly, and Tyler's heart jumped. If he wasn't real, people would see him sitting there by himself. But if he was, he countered, people would see him with a friend, and might even think he wasn't so weird after all.

"No," Nico said. "You can't be seen out there, with or without him. What would they think if they saw you alone, wandering the park in the middle of the day when everyone else your age is at school? And what would they think if they saw you with a delinquent?"

"Sure," Tyler said. "I just have to check with my mom."

Josh's expression quickly changed to panic. "Don't tell her about me," he pleaded. "Not yet."

Tyler blinked in surprise at the sudden shift. "Okay," he said slowly. "I'll be right back."

Josh gave him a relieved smile. "Thanks."

"Oh my gosh, he's going to kidnap you!" Clancy shrieked.

"He is not going to kidnap me," Tyler grumbled as soon as Josh was out of earshot.

"How do you know? He never told you how old he is, where he goes to school, why he's always ditching or why he doesn't want your mom to know about him, where he lives even generally - He never even told you his last name!"

"People don't go around sharing that kind of stuff with people they just met," Tyler said, but as usual, Clancy's words had made him slightly nervous.

"And people don't go to the park with people they just met either!"

He marched into the kitchen more frustrated than he would have liked. "I'm going on a walk," he said.

"You have to finish your math, first," his mother said without looking at him.

Tyler sighed through his nose. He couldn't leave Josh out there for that long. "I'll do it when I get back. Promise."

"Fine, but be back before noon." She waved her hand at him as if to brush him off, more focused on her computer than him. He strained to see what she was doing - paying bills, it looked like - and tried not to take it personally.

"I'm taking Clancy and Nico with me," he said slowly, testing to see if she was really listening to him at all.

"Have fun," she said, and his heart sank. Just as he'd thought. She wasn't giving him any attention at all. It felt like she either watched him like a hawk or forgot he existed. He could tell her all about Josh and she wouldn't listen to a word. But he didn't say anything else. He just nodded and went back outside.

Josh was sitting on the curb when Tyler returned, but he quickly stood up as he approached him. "You good?" he asked.

"Yeah. Let's go."

Josh must have seen something in his expression, because when they began walking he asked, "Everything go okay in there?"

"Yeah, it's fine," Tyler said quickly, and Nico snorted behind him. "She just...only pays attention to me when she's giving a lesson or when I'm doing something horribly wrong. Every other time it's like I don't exist."

Josh let out a laugh, not a mocking laugh, but a laugh that suggested he knew exactly what he was talking about. "Yeah, I know how that feels. Sucks, doesn't it?"

"Yeah."

"They only times my parents ever talk to me is when I'm in trouble, and then they're just yelling at me. Most of the time I can get away, though. They don't care when I come back."

"That sucks, I'm sorry."

Josh shrugged. "Yeah, but I can't change it, so let's talk about something else."

"Like what?" Tyler glanced at Nico as if for some sort of reassurance, but he was too busy shoving Clancy off of the sidewalk to notice.

"I don't know. Um...what else do you do, besides basketball?"

Tyler shrugged. "Not much. I'm trying to learn the piano, but that's about it." He didn't mention that he often spent hours of the night scribbling down useless phrases and lyrics he knew he'd never use. Often times, that's when Nico was the worst, always pestering and mocking him. If he should get rid of anyone, he thought, it should be Nico.

"Cool," Josh said, keeping his eyes straight ahead. They were almost to the park, and Tyler noticed that he hadn't looking at him once during the whole walk. He didn't actually mind it. He didn't like looking people in the eye, either.

He was about to ask Josh what he liked to do, but they'd reached the park and he paused. It was completely empty, which felt strange. There was almost always a few toddlers and their parents here. Maybe it was the weather. The dark grey clouds didn't look promising, and it was getting a little chilly as the wind picked up.

Josh had gone quiet, too, and Tyler realized he had to say  _ something.  _ "Race you to the swings," he said.

Josh laughed again, but it was lighter and more friendly. "What will the neighbors think if they see two teenage boys on the swings?"

"They already think I'm weird," Tyler said, shrugging. "Besides, what else are we going to do here?"

"Touché. One, two, three, go!" Josh took off without a second's hesitation, catching Tyler off guard. He hadn't expected him to be so eager.

"Hey! That wasn't fair!" Tyler yelled, running after him, but he had a smile on his face and was beginning to feel better about all of this.

Even without the head start, Josh was fast, and made it to the swings long before Tyler did. He was laughing by the time Tyler caught up, and already pretty high on the swing. "Dude, I feel like I'm seven again," he said, leaning back as gravity pulled him back to Earth.

Tyler laughed, too, and then laughed harder as Clancy tripped and fell flat on his face in the wood chips. "Isn't it great? We didn't have to worry about anything as kids."

"The only thing I worried about was being the first in the lunch line," Josh said, tipping back even further until Tyler was sure he was going to slip and fall off. "Or if the girl with cooties was going to chase me during recess."

"Sometimes I wish I was a kid again." Tyler set himself swinging, feeling much more carefree in the air than trapped on the ground.

"Yeah, but at the same time, being older is great. I can drive myself places. When I'm actually allowed to use the truck. Can you drive?"

"Yeah, but I don't like to. It's kind of terrifying." Tyler didn't mention that it was mostly scary because Clancy was always screaming at him from the back seat.

Speaking of, he could see Clancy and Nico now, sitting in the wood chips and talking to each other. He couldn't hear them over the wind in his ears, but they didn't look like they were fighting, so he didn't pay much attention. Even if he did, there was no way to talk to them without seeming totally crazy.

"Looks like it might rain," he said as the wind picked up even faster.

"Yep." The next time Josh leaned back, his beanie slipped off, revealing a curly mess of cotton candy pink hair. He immediately slowed down and retrieved it, shaking the wood chips off and pulling it back down hastily, as if he was embarrassed.

"I like your hair," Tyler said, hoping to ease some of the tension.

Sure enough, Josh visibly relaxed as he started swinging again. "Thanks. I..." His face flushed slightly, though it might have just been the cold. "I was worried you'd think that's weird. Especially since pink isn't the most popular color for guys."

"I like it."  _ Like bubble gum on a carnival day. _

"Thanks." Josh smiled again. He had the biggest and brightest smile Tyler had ever seen. It made the world seem a little lighter, and he hardly noticed as it started to rain.

Lightning suddenly split the sky open, and both Tyler and Clancy yelped. Nico made some snide remark, but Tyler could barely hear him as the clouds emptied. They were soaked in only a few seconds, and then thunder shook the Earth around them.

"That was fast," Josh shouted over the rain.

"I want to go home," Clancy whimpered as another crack of thunder rattled Tyler to the bones.

"Crybaby," Nico taunted.

"I'm not crying," he protested.

"You're going to."

"I should go," Tyler told Josh, getting off of the swing and glancing at the two imaginary boys beside him. He knew if he didn't, they'd either get in a fight, or Nico would say something and Clancy  _ would _ cry - either way, they'd make a scene, and even if no one else could see them, it was still embarrassing.

"Come on, you just got here. And it's finally getting exciting!" The bit of pink hair that stuck out from under Josh's beanie stuck to his forehead in funny-looking curls, and Tyler snorted a laugh. 

"But I'm cold," he said, even though he was smiling. "What do we even do in the rain?"

"Swing and sing at the top of our lungs," Josh suggested, and Tyler laughed again. He hadn't laughed this much in a long time.

"Alright, but I have to be back soon." He climbed back on the swing, adjusting his grip on the slippery chains.

"But I want to go home," Clancy whined. He was shivering violently in the cold, and his button-up clung uncomfortably to his skinny frame.

"Shut up, you're not even real," Tyler whispered.

"What?" Josh asked.

"Nothing, sorry."

"You going to sing?"

"Not unless you do first."

Josh grinned, then tipped his head back and let out some sort of shrieking whoop that startled Tyler so badly that he almost fell off of the swing. Josh laughed hard enough to almost fall off himself, and his swing twisted and became off-centered. Tyler yelped again as their swings collided and he nearly smashed his fingers, but he was laughing, too, surprised that Josh could make a sound like that.

"I don't know what that was, but that was definitely not singing," Tyler said.

"You try," he said, still grinning as they collided again.

"I want to go home," Clancy whined again.

"Knock it off, you're being annoying," Nico grumbled, hitting his arm.

Tyler took a deep breath, but felt a tug of anxiety in his gut. He'd never opened himself up this quickly before. He already felt comfortable with this stranger, and it made him wonder if he really was just a figment of his imagination.

He tried to ignore his thoughts by belting a few lines of Singin' in the Rain, but his voice cracked and his face turned tomato as Josh burst out laughing.

"Dude, that was awesome," he said.

"It was pretty awful if you ask me," Nico said.

"Nobody asked you," Clancy grumbled.

Tyler wasn't sure how long they stayed out there, but before he knew it, his fingers were completely numb, and his throat was raw from yelling random bits of lyrics with Josh. Both of them were laughing uncontrollably, barely able to speak at all. Clancy and Nico were nowhere to be found.

"I really need to go," Tyler said as his giggles finally died down.

"Alright, see you later."

He waved and started across the park back toward his house, feeling better than he had in a long time.

"Oh, and Tyler?" Josh called, and he paused and turned back.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks. I've never met someone I can get along with so fast." Josh gave him that same bright smile. "And I don't think you're weird at all."

Tyler walked home with his hands in his pockets and a bounce in his step, his heart soaring and his smile lighting the way.


	7. seven - be concerned

Tyler hopped up the steps in front of his house and paused to squeeze out his beanie and the sleeves of his hoodie. He couldn't feel his ears or his nose, and his fingers and toes were almost entirely numb. He opened the door very slowly, hoping to sneak in and dry off before his mother saw, but he wasn't so lucky.

"Tyler! There you are!" his mother shouted from the kitchen, coming in to scold him. "Where were you?"

"I went to the park," he said, slipping his wet shoes off and leaving them by the door. He tried to walk past her to the stairs, but she blocked his way. "I told you before I left."

"I said you couldn't go."

"Actually, you said I could if -"

"I was just worried about you," she said, cutting him off with an exasperated sigh.

"I'm - I'm sixteen, Mom. I just went to the park. It's okay, promise." Tyler could see Nico and Clancy at the top of the stairs, watching him, though Clancy ducked around the wall when he looked up.

"I know, honey, I just..." She paused and ran her fingers through her hair. "I worry about you. Sometimes you scare me."

"Because I want to get out of the house?" he asked, confused.

"Because you're  _ always _ out of the house. You're always outside practicing, and when you're not, you're upstairs in your room alone."

"But I'm not alone," he said before he could stop himself.

She fell silent as her brow furrowed in confusion, and then after a second, her eyes widened in realization. She went pale, though she tried to hide her obvious fear. "I thought we agreed that this wasn't funny anymore," she said slowly, trying to glare at him, but it didn't quite come across. She just looked worried.

"Sorry," he said, shifting his weight with a squish of wet clothes. His wet jeans rubbed against his thighs uncomfortably, and he started to push past his mother to go upstairs, but she stopped him again.

"You really still see them?" she asked softly.

He dropped his eyes to the ground and refused to look at any of them - at her. "Sorry. I know it's not funny."

"Tyler, do you really still see them?" she repeated, raising her voice a little.

Tyler heard a soft yelp and glanced up to see Clancy sitting on the top step next to Nico and staring at his thumb, a bright streak of scarlet running down his skin from where he must have bitten too hard. For once, Nico didn't say anything. He just glared right at him as if he'd disobeyed him.  _ I told you not to tell her. _

"Tyler, please answer me." His mother sounded desperate now. Pleading. "Those two boys you told me about years ago, I can't remember their names -"

"Clancy and Nico, yes, I still see them," Tyler snapped, suddenly angry and frustrated that she'd pestered him like that. If he was going to tell her at all, he'd wanted it to be on his own terms. Instead, she'd squeezed it out of him like a sponge, and he wasn't ready. "Happy now?"

Immediately, her eyes filled with tears. He tried to ignore them as he shoved past her and started up the stairs, but she grabbed his arm to stop him. "Tyler, please tell me about them," she whispered. "I want to help you."

Nico snorted and mumbled a sarcastic "yeah, right" under his breath. Clancy wouldn't look up, and kept his thumb in his mouth to stop the bleeding.

"I don't want to talk about them," Tyler said, pulling his arm a little and hoping she'd let him go upstairs.

"Do they ever hurt you? Do they threaten you? Tyler, I need to know."

But he knew what she was saying.  _ I need to know what kind of doctor to call to get help.  _ She thought he was crazy. Maybe he was. "No. They're usually nice. I don't want to talk about it."

"Nico's never nice," Clancy grumbled. The other boy hit his arm, and he rubbed it with a muffled protest.

"You have to learn to talk about it, honey, or you'll never get better."

Tyler actually recoiled in surprise. "I'm not  _ sick _ ," he snapped, yanking his arm out of his mother's grip.

"No, no, of course not." Now she sounded as if her voice was tip-toeing around the broken glass of her son, and he hated it.

"Stop talking to me like that," he demanded.

"Like what?" The tears were ready to spill. He could see them welling up on her eyelids.

"Like - like that. Like I'm seven. Like I'm your messed up little puppy. I'm sick of it." He turned his back to her and started up the stairs.

"Tyler, what is  _ wrong _ with you today? You're never like this," she said, her voice quivering like an aspen.

"Oh,  _ I don't know, _ " he said sarcastically, spinning back around to face her. "Maybe it's because the one time in my life I actually have fun with someone, I come home to you yelling at me about the two imaginary people you've never believed in anyway!"

"Stop yelling," Clancy mumbled, trying to shrink into his shoulders and covering his ears.

"You went with someone?"

"I said I don't want to talk about it!"

"Tyler Joseph, don't use that tone of voice with me. I am trying to help you. Who did you go with?"

"Stop yelling," Clancy moaned louder, his fingers tight in his hair.

Tyler ignored him. "All you're doing is yelling at me and treating me like a baby! I told you to stop it!"

Her eyes narrowed, though they were still filled with tears. "The only person yelling here is you. I don't care if you are sixteen, I will still ground you."

"Stop yelling!" Clancy wailed, and Tyler whipped around.

"Will you  _ shut up _ ?"

The house went completely silent.

"Tyler?" his mother finally said, very softly and very, very carefully. "Tyler, honey, who are you talking to?"

He realized his mistake in an instant. He glanced at his mother, staring up at him in something almost like terror, and then at the imaginary boy sitting on the steps, who had started to cry into his hands. "No one," he said, stuffing his hands in his hoodie pockets and storming upstairs. He thought he could feel the air around him crackle like lightning.

He slammed his bedroom door shut and leaned his head back against it, squeezing his eyes shut and gritting his teeth. How had one of the best days of his life turned into one of the worst? Why wouldn't she listen? Why had he started yelling when she'd done nothing wrong? Why was he so absolutely screwed up?

He slid to the floor, pulled his knees to his chest, and started to cry.


	8. eight - turn away

The rain pattered against the roof and filled his bedroom with the soothing rhythm, but he didn't find the comfort he usually did. He'd moved to the corner by the window and his bed and buried his face in his arms without even bothering to change out of his wet clothes. He didn't want to be bothered. He knew his mother wouldn't come in without his permission - that had been their deal years ago when she'd first worried about him. He was more worried that Nico would find him.

Clancy was out in the hall, and Tyler was sure he had no intention of coming in any time soon. He felt awful that he'd snapped at him. And he felt worse knowing that he'd yelled at his mother over practically nothing when all she'd been trying to do was help him.

The door opened just a crack and Tyler heard someone come toward him, his footsteps barely audible. The intruder sat down on his bed by the footboard, by the same corner Tyler was hiding in. They didn't speak for a long time. The room was silent except for the rain and Tyler's occasional sniff.

"She just doesn't get it, does she?" Nico said softly, breaking the silence almost gently.

Tyler just shook his head and didn't speak. He knew his voice would waver and crack, and he didn't want him to hear that.

"There has to be some way to make her understand."

"I have to apologize," he said, and sure enough, his voice cracked, and he tried to make himself look smaller. He wasn't sure how long he'd been there, but his legs were going numb and his back hurt. He wished it would go away so he could stay here forever.

"You can't do that now," Nico said. "Not yet. Your siblings are home. You can't let them see you like this. What would they think? You're their older brother."

"I'm a pathetic older brother," he mumbled.

"Maybe, but they shouldn't expect you to be perfect."

"She always said I was her perfect little angel. I remember her telling me that all the time as a kid."

"Then what happened?"

"I grew up," Tyler said bitterly. "She found out that I'm just as human as everyone else."

"Maybe."

"Can't she see that I'm trying my best? I'm trying really hard. I'm doing exactly what she wants me to do." He was in tears again, but he didn't bother wiping them away. "I stay in basketball, I pass my tests, I'm trying to get a scholarship so I can go to college, I try to talk to her - I even pretend you guys don't exist, just for her. Can she not see any of that?"

Nico shrugged. "Guess not."

"She must not love me very much then," Tyler said, glaring at the wall as the tears spilled down his cheeks.

"Then why would she try to help you? If she was trying to help at all, I mean."

"She probably doesn't want a freak for a kid."

"I don't think you're a freak."

"That's just the problem," Tyler said, rubbing his nose with the back of his hand. "You guys are the reason I'm a freak."

"In my defense, the only one making a scene was Clancy," Nico pointed out. "You snapped at him, not me."

Tyler sighed softly. "I need to apologize to him, too."

"I doubt he'll talk to you."

"Why not?"

"You know how sensitive he is. You broke his trust."

That made him feel worse. "If you're trying to comfort me, you're doing a miserable job," he muttered.

Nico shrugged again. "Yeah, well, the first step to change is to acknowledge why something went wrong."

"Then why did everything fall apart today, huh? It was going perfectly and then my mom just had to come in yelling."

"I don't know. You'll have to figure it out."

There was a knock on the door, and Tyler flinched in surprise. "What?" he said, his voice cracking. He hoped whoever it was hadn't heard his conversation with Nico, but with his luck, they'd probably heard the whole thing - or at least they'd heard everything Tyler had said.

"You okay in there?" his sister asked.

"I'm fine. Go away."

"Mom told me to come get you."

"Tell her I'm not coming down."

"Fine. Mom! He said he's not coming!"

"If she really needed you, she'd come and get you herself, wouldn't she?" Nico mused.

"Shut up," Tyler grumbled.

"I mean, how hard could it be to come up and ask for you?"

"I said shut up. I don't want to talk to you anymore. You're not helping."

"Alright, you don't have to lash out at me. What have I done?"

"Existed." Tyler threw his hands in the air in frustration. "You exist, that's what you've done. If neither of you existed, I wouldn't have a problem, would I?"

"Yeah, but if I didn't exist, you'd be lonely and completely anti-social," Nico pointed out. Tyler hated that he wasn't lying. "I help you more than you want to admit, don't I?"

This time, the knock was softer. "Tyler," his mother said softly, her voice barely audible. "Tyler, honey, may I come in?"

"No," he said, turning his head to stare out the window.

"I want to apologize for getting upset earlier."

"Then why'd you tell Maddy to get me?" he asked. "Why couldn't you get me yourself?"

"I had an entirely unrelated question, but now I can see that you're still upset. May I come in, please?"

"Of course I'm still upset." His voice cracked again, and a few hot tears leaked from his eyes and left new streaks down his already tear-streaked face. "You think I'm a freak, don't you? Because I'm so lonely I make up imaginary people to keep me company. I'm just a messed up, psychopathic  _ freak _ ."

The door opened and soft yellow light spilled into the room for just a moment. It was gone as the door shut softly, and he buried his head in his arms as if that would hide him from his mother.

"Hey," she said softly.

"Leave me alone," he said, his voice muffled by his wet hoodie sleeves.

Instead, she sat down on the floor beside him. "I'm so sorry if that's how my words came across. That's not what I meant to sound like," she said quietly. "I just...I just can't help you if I don't know what's going on."

"I don't need help," Tyler said, but he wasn't sure if he was lying or not.

"I just want to know what's going on. Can you tell me that?"

"No."

She put her arm around his shoulders and he stiffened.  _ Don't touch me,  _ he wanted to say, but his voice didn't come out.

"I don't think you're a freak, and I don't think you're messed up. I love you so much, Tyler, and I'm so sorry you feel lonely. What can I do to change that?"

Her voice was so gentle. He wanted to relax, but his body wouldn't let him. "Nothing," he said, his voice wavering. He didn't want to cry in front of her, but he couldn't stop. "You can't do anything. You can't make the guys on my team like me. You can't make the neighbors change their minds about me. You can't make Maddy and Jay and Zack talk to me like normal kids. You can't make Clancy and Nico go away."

She was quiet for a long time as he sat there and cried into his arms. She rubbed his back gently and shifted closer to him, and he found himself leaning against her warmth like he used to do as a child. "Are they here?" she whispered.

Tyler didn't need to ask who she meant. He just nodded and rested his chin on his arms to get a breath of fresh air and look at the room. "Nico's on the bed. Clancy's out in the hall."

She glanced at the bed, but of course, couldn't see anything. "What's...what's he doing out there?"

"He's mad at me," Tyler said, hating how stupid this all sounded.

"Why?"

"Because I yelled at him. He doesn't like it when I yell."

There was another pause here, and they listened to the rain in silence for just a moment. "Does it help to talk about them like..." She hesitated, and Tyler cringed. She was trying her best, but it made him feel pathetic. "Like they're real?" she whispered.

He nodded again. He could almost feel Nico's glare on his back.

"Can you...can you tell me about them?"

"Depends on what you ask."

"Alright, how about...can we start with how they look?"

Tyler nodded and sniffed again, his quivering breaths shaking his whole body. "Clancy looks a lot like me. He...he's got short brown hair that - that kind of sticks up like mine." He couldn't find the words he wanted to say. That always happened when he spoke to other people. "Um...he always wears a baggy greyish dress shirt that doesn't fit him. And - and Nico -"

"Don't talk about me," Nico said.

Tyler didn't look at either of them as he spoke. Instead, he stared at the wall. "He always wears black. Usually a hoodie, but sometimes he takes it off and there's a black shirt underneath. And a red beanie. He always wears a red beanie just like mine."

"Don't talk about me," Nico repeated, his voice cold and hard.

Tyler tried to ignore him and took a deep breath to tell her about the darkness on his neck and hands, but Nico snapped at him again.

"I said,  _ don't talk about me _ ."

His voice sounded louder and sharper than he'd ever heard it, and Tyler flinched involuntarily. "Sorry," he said.

"What is it?" his mother asked gently.

Tyler glanced at Nico and then dropped his eyes again. "Nothing. Nothing."

"May I ask another question?" she asked.

"You just did," Nico grumbled.

Tyler nodded once again and didn't say anything. He just shifted closer to his mother's comforting embrace. He felt himself finally starting to calm down and tried to relax.

She was quiet for a minute. "You said that they're usually nice. What are they like?"

Tyler didn't know what to say. What would he tell her that wouldn't scare her or make Nico mad? "Um..." he said hesitantly. "Well...Clancy's scared of a lot. I...have to help him sleep at night, because he's too scared. He follows me pretty closely, and, uh...well, he's usually trying to help, but it doesn't always work."

His mother nodded slowly. "What about Nico?"

Nico immediately snapped upright, his body stiff as a board, and stared right at him, daring him to say something.

Tyler shifted slightly and dropped his gaze to the floor. "I can't tell you about him."

"Oh." She wanted to ask why. Tyler could hear the unspoken question in the air. But she didn't ask, and for that, he was grateful. Then she asked a question that caught him off guard. "Do they ever threaten you or hurt you?"

"Why would they do that?" he asked in confusion.

"I don't know. It was just a thought."

"I'm done talking about them," he decided suddenly. He could feel the pressure that had built in his chest ease up a little. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Nico relax his glare and lean back nonchalantly against the wall.

"Oh," his mother said, sounding slightly startled. "Okay. Thank you for telling me, Tyler. If there's anything I can ever do for you, let me know, okay?"

"Okay." He nodded.

"Do...do you want to help me with dinner?"

"Not right now."

"Alright. Come down when you're ready. I love you, Tyler."

"Love you, too, Mom," he echoed blankly.

She leaned over and gave him a kiss on his forehead, just like she used to do when he was little, and then she stood up and sighed. Nico just glared at her with fire in his eyes as she quietly left the room.


	9. nine - she asked me

Tyler opened the door slowly, and just as he'd expected, he could hear Clancy crying. He was sitting a few feet from the door with his face buried in his arms, much like Tyler had been only a few minutes earlier.

"He cries over everything," Nico grumbled under his breath.

Tyler felt his anxiety spike as he looked at his friend, but he tried to breathe deeply and control it. "Hey," he said, sitting down slowly beside him. Clancy just leaned away from him and muttered something into his arms. "I'm sorry," he continued anyway. "I'm sorry I yelled at you."

Clancy didn't respond. He just raised his head enough to glance at him.

"I was just scared and frustrated. I didn't mean to yell." Tyler kept his eyes straight ahead, watching the stairs for anyone who might interrupt.

"Do you really like me?" Clancy whispered, wiping his nose with his arm.

"Of course I like you."

"Because sometimes it doesn't feel like it."

"I'm really sorry," Tyler mumbled. "It's just really hard sometimes, you know, to pretend like I'm normal and to pretend like you guys don't exist or aren't important to me."

Clancy nodded. "Yeah, I guess you're right." He rubbed his eyes with his sleeve and turned to look at him directly. "So I'm important to you?"

"Of course you're important to me. You've been my best friend since kindergarten." Tyler gave him a tired smile, and he returned it.

"Yeah. It's been a while, hasn't it?" They sat quietly for a moment, listening to each other breathe. Then Clancy glanced at his damp clothes from earlier. "You should probably change if you're going downstairs."

"Oh yeah." Tyler had almost forgotten about that. "You should, too. If you can. I've never seen you wear anything else, so I don't know..."

A ghost of a smile crossed Clancy's face. "Yeah, I'll try."

Tyler climbed to his feet and held his hand out. "Ready to come in with me?"

At first, Clancy hesitated, but then he cautiously took his hand and let him help him stand. "Thanks," he said, pulling his hands to his chest almost uncomfortably. Tyler knew he didn't like any sort of physical contact, so he didn't think much of it.

He changed his jeans for some sweatpants and his hoodie and top for a blue and purple Disney shirt he'd gotten years ago. When he turned back to face the room, Clancy was wearing a greenish button-up instead of his grey one, and Nico had a loose tank top that had holes big enough to expose how scrawny he was. It was weird seeing them in something different, even if it was similar to what they'd been wearing before.

"I'm going downstairs," Tyler said. "You can come if you want."

"You're not seriously going to help her," Nico said in a monotone.

"I don't want to worry her further, and helping her might make her think I'm not so weird. Besides, we haven't done something together in a long time."

"It's six fifteen. She's probably already done."

"Then it's time to eat, and I'm hungry." He wasn't actually hungry, but he turned away and hoped Nico wouldn't catch the lie. He had to go down eventually, and he figured it was better if he went by himself, without his mother asking him. The two watched him cross the room and open the door, and then Clancy took off after him.

"What, are you afraid of being alone with me?" Nico taunted.

"Yes," Clancy said, slipping out of the room and following Tyler close enough to step on his heels down the stairs.

"Hey, Tyler," his mother said, smiling as he came into the kitchen. Her eyes were puffy and red. "I was just about to come get your for dinner."

"Oh," he said, shifting his weight uncomfortably. "Um...what are we having?"

"I made some quick tacos," she said, drying her hands on the towel. "I know you love those."

Tyler gave her a quick smile and nodded, but he didn't feel like it. "My favorite."

"Why don't you get your siblings and we'll eat?"

Tyler nodded again and heard Clancy make a soft noise of protest behind him. He ignored it and turned around, only to crash into him and fall against the counter with a yelp.

"Are you okay?" his mother asked quickly.

"Yeah, I just..." He hesitated and exchanged a glance with his friend. "Just tripped, that's all," he mumbled, ducking his head and hurrying into the family room, where his siblings were playing a video game.

He stood behind the couch for a minute, watching them play. Zack killed Maddy three times before she reacted. "Leave me alone for three seconds, would you?" she whined.

"I'm just winning," Zack said, shrugging.

"I hate this game! You always team up against me!"

"Girls against boys," Jay said.

"I'm in a house full of boys!" she shouted, and Clancy flinched.

"Time for dinner," Tyler said quietly.

They all turned to look at him in unison, and then Zack made a face and turned back to the game. Maddy and Jay followed his example.

"Even when I'm here, nobody listens to me," Tyler said to Clancy, loud enough for his siblings to hear.

"They probably don't care," Nico said from the hallway.

"It's like I'm completely invisible," Tyler said, louder this time.

"Come on, Ty, we're just finishing this game," Zack said over his shoulder.

"Don't call me Ty." He thought older brothers were supposed to be the ones picking on their siblings. That's what every other family was like, at least all the ones that he knew. He supposed Zack had just taken on the role of older brother because Tyler was so bad at it.

He turned and went back to the table, slumping over in the chair closest to the stairs so he could have a quick escape route if necessary. Clancy hovered behind him for a moment before sitting on the floor next to him and picking at a loose piece of rubber on his shoe.

"I don't like your siblings," he muttered.

"Most of the time, neither do I," Tyler grumbled.

Then all three of them came charging in, and Clancy scrambled to his feet and smashed himself against the wall to avoid being flattened. Tyler slumped even lower in his chair.

"Hands out of the cheese bowl," their mother ordered.

"Don't eat before the prayer!" Maddy shouted, yanking the cheese bowl away from Zack.

"Hey!" He tried to grab it, but she pushed it across the table and it hit Tyler's plate. Zack practically lunged for it, and Tyler jerked out of the way before he could get hit by someone's flailing arm. His elbow bumped a glass and knocked it over, spilling ice water on the floor.

"Look what you did!" Maddy pointed at the spill and Zack's eyebrows shot up.

"I didn't do it! Tyler did!"

"Sure, blame everything on me," he said in a monotone, retrieving the cup and putting it back on the table. He started to grab a towel, but his mother quickly stopped him. "Sorry," he said.

"No, it isn't your fault," she said, forcing a smile. "It's alright, I'll get it."

He didn't like the way she looked at him, like she had to be careful around him. Like fireworks and bombs. She spoke as if the slightest glance would set him off. Maybe it would. He wasn't sure.

His siblings caught on, too - but they didn't take his unspoken side. They just had to make everything worse.

"Come on, Mom. You shouldn't have to clean up Tyler's mess," Zack said.

Clancy made a strange noise of protest, like a frightened animal. He was back on the floor, gripping Tyler's chair like his life depended on it. Tyler could feel his breath quicken on his arm. Something told him this wouldn't end well.

"It's not a problem," his mother said, her voice full of fake cheerfulness. "Let's eat."

"Make Tyler do it," Zack said.

"But I didn't -" he said, but his mother spoke at the same time and he let his voice trail off.

"I don't know why you're making a big deal out of it," she said, glaring at them, "but it's over and done with now. It's not a problem."

"How come Tyler never has to clean up his messes?" Maddy whined. "I always have to clean up mine or you yell at me."

His mother started to answer, but Jay interrupted her. "It's because he's  _ special, _ remember?"

Tyler cringed and tried to hide in his shoulders, glaring at his plate and picking at a bit of dried food on the table.  _ I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. _

"Can we go upstairs?" Clancy whispered. He shook his head no.  _ Not yet.  _ Though he wasn't sure why.

"So special he's gotta stay home while we all go to school?" Maddy said.

"Bet that's why he's so stupid," Zack muttered under his breath. His mother didn't hear. Tyler wished he hadn't. His comment left a disgusting feeling in his chest. Even his own siblings hated him. Not just with that common sibling rivalry - no, it sounded like they completely hated him.

"He does school work at home," his mother said. "We've talked about this."

"He's a baby," Maddy said. "He cries over everything."

"I do not!" he said, and Clancy made another frightened noise.

"Face it, Mom, you baby him," Jay said. "He's not a kid anymore."

"Yeah, you made me stop talking to my imaginary friends years ago," Zack grumbled, and Tyler stiffened.

"Shut up," he growled, gripping his fork until his knuckles turned white. He heard Nico come in from the hall and stand behind him.

"I thought we agreed that we wouldn't bring this up," his mother said, glaring at Zack.

He just shrugged. "It's true."

"Shut up." Tyler raised his voice, but nobody paid attention to him.

"Just because he needs a little more help than you do doesn't make him dumb or stupid, understand?" she said firmly.

"They never called you dumb or stupid," Nico said softly.

Tyler knew what that meant. It meant that she thought he was, and she was just trying to convince herself. Or maybe they'd talked about him behind his back and discussed what conversations to avoid when he was in the room. He stood up quickly, knocking his chair over and scaring Clancy, and marched to the front door.

"What are you doing?" his mother asked, standing up just as fast.

"I'm not hungry," he said. He opened the door and slammed it behind him, muffling his mother's protest.


	10. ten - you don't know what that means

The crisp air bit his face and stung his cheeks, and brought him back to earth.

"They hate me," he said to no one.

"Probably," Nico said, and Clancy nodded.

"They think I'm  _ special _ ," he sneered, the word tasting dirty in his mouth.

"Don't talk like that," Clancy said immediately.

"Like what? Don't be mean to myself? Because I hate myself so bad."

"Me too," Nico said.

"Like growly. Slimy. Growly and slimy. That's how you said it." Clancy shifted his weight and stared at the rain falling down. It was beginning to slow now, and left a clean, fresh smell hanging off the boards.

_ Growly and slimy.  _ For some odd reason, that made perfect sense to him. "Sorry," he said.

"It just reminds me of...of stuff. Of the place I came from."

Clancy had never mentioned coming from a place before. "What place?"

"A bad one. A city. A place where no one's special and it's good to die."

"It is good to die," Tyler said.

"Then it's over," Nico said.

"Then you go to heaven."

"Or hell."

"I don't think I'll go to hell," Tyler said, rubbing his arms and watching the rain fall gently. He held his hand out and let the icy drops collect in his hand. He felt suddenly hyper aware of the world around him. The air was blue from the dying daylight, and he could hear his family talking inside, their muffled voices bubbling like hot tea.

"You like boys," Nico said.

Tyler blushed slightly. He hadn't told anyone yet. He wasn't even sure if he did. "And what if I do?"

"The neighbor lady said you'd go to hell."

"Me?"

"Not specifically. She said boys who like boys go to hell."

"I don't think so."

"Why not?"

"Because God loves us and I don't think He'd do that."

"Does he love you?" Nico asked, and he turned to stare at him almost blankly.

Tyler was silent for a moment. "I don't know," he finally said.

Two yellow headlights cut through the rain and pulled up in the driveway. Then they stopped and turned off without going into the garage.

"There's Dad," Tyler said.

His father climbed out of the car and came toward him. He never walked toward him like that. Like he was in a hurry. Like he had to protect something. Tyler watched him without blinking, careful to keep his expression neutral.

"Hey, Tyler," his father said, smiling a forced smile, like his mother, like he'd eaten a frog.

"Hey," Tyler said.

"How's my buddy doing?"

"I'm not your buddy," he said.

"Oh? Too old for nicknames?"

"But not too old for imaginary friends."

His father actually recoiled slightly. Tyler ignored him and stepped down the single stair on the porch, feeling the freezing rain land lightly in his hair. He liked how his footsteps sounded crisp on the sidewalk and echoed twice behind him.

"I'm going to the park," he declared.

"Oh - okay?"

His father didn't make any move to stop him, and that made Tyler feel a tug in his chest, a sort of greyish mushy feeling. He thought maybe he was waiting for his father to tell him to come back, to tell him that they could talk together, or something. But none of that happened.

The eerie blue darkness made him feel like he was being watched. The streets were silent, giving him room to think. And he thought and he thought about how awful he was, and how messed up he was, and how he could never say anything right and how no one in his family truly cared about him.

"What do you mean, nobody's special where you come from?" he asked Clancy, staring up at the sky.

"Names aren't spoken," Clancy said softly. "Everyone's the same. Everyone's the same."

"That would be awful."

"It's like that here, too. Just not as bad."

A raindrop landed right in Tyler's eye, and he quickly looked down, blinking it away. It felt like a tear running down his face. "I guess. Everyone's the same."

"You're thinking different," Clancy suddenly said.

"What?"

"I'm talking different." Clancy pointed at himself and then at Tyler. "So you're thinking different."

"None of that makes sense, you know that, right?" Nico said.

"How are you thinking?" Clancy asked.

"What does that even mean?" Nico whined.

"I'm thinking that orange is a very confused color," Tyler declared. He  _ was  _ thinking different, and he rather liked it. It made him feel...different. This way, he could think about whatever he wanted and even if it didn't make sense to anyone else, it made sense to him.

"I think so, too." Clancy looked up briefly before staring at the ground with Tyler. "And how the cracks in the sidewalk hide the most beautiful things."

"Like ants," Nico said sarcastically.

"Like ants," Tyler echoed. "And those yellow flowers."

"And pennies," Clancy added.

"Okay, what is going on?" Nico demanded. "You're talking all weird and I don't like it."

"I'm just trying to figure out how to think," Tyler said, jumping over a puddle and splashing in the mud. "And I think I'm figuring it out. I like it this way. It's quiet and calm."

"Like baby blue," Clancy said.

"Yeah, like that."

"Well,  _ I  _ don't like it, and I want you to stop," Nico ordered.

"Why don't you like it?"

"Because it's not normal. It's weird. It's freakish." Nico laughed a little. "And I thought you were trying to prove that you weren't a freak."

"I'm not a freak," he insisted.

"Normal people don't talk about how confused the color orange is."

"You're very orange," Clancy giggled under his breath. Nico spun on him and he shrieked and stumbled into the gutter. "Sorry," he muttered.

"I don't know, I just think it's nice," Tyler said, putting his hands in his pockets. He was freezing, but he didn't want to turn around and go home, not yet. He wasn't ready.

Nico laughed sarcastically again. "How is confusing everyone nice?"

Tyler shrugged. "It's nice to come up with something that's your very own. Something that nobody else understands. I think...it gives a reason."

"A reason for what?"

He shrugged again. "I don't know yet."

As they approached the park, they grew quiet and Tyler had space to think again. This time, he thought about the ants in the cracks of the sidewalk, and how insignificant he was to the universe, like a tiny little ant. No one noticed when one ant went missing. No one cared about the load the ant carried.

_ I wonder if God thinks we're all tiny ants.  _ He looked up at the sky again, as if searching for an answer in the clouds.

"What's that?" Clancy suddenly whispered, pointing to a dark figure coming toward them. Tyler froze instantly, stumbling from the sudden force.

As the figure came closer, it approached a street lamp, but it - he, Tyler was pretty sure - was careful to keep out of the light. Then he stopped and looked up, right at them. "Who's there?" he demanded.

Tyler frowned. "Josh?"

The figure tipped his head slightly to one side. "Tyler? What are you doing out here?"

"I was just thinking about the existential and how we're all just tiny ants in the universe and how nothing really matters in the end." He paused. "And how orange is a very confused color," he added matter-of-factly. He slowly stepped closer, trying to see Josh's face in the darkness. "What about you?"

"I don't want to go home."

Tyler nodded. "I understand that."

Josh stiffened. "No, you don't."

Tyler's brow furrowed in confusion. "What?"

"No, you don't. That's what I said. You don't understand." Josh's voice was hard and had a rough edge to it, like a serrated knife.

"Uh-oh," Clancy whispered. He moved to stand behind Tyler and hide from Josh.

"Sorry," Tyler mumbled.

There was a tense silence for a long minute before Josh sighed. "No, it's not your fault." He ran his hand through his cotton candy hair, leaving his beanie askew. "It's not your fault you don't know, and I hope you never know at all."

"Okay," Tyler said, blinking and feeling very orange.

Again, there was a pause.

"You sound different," Josh said eventually.

"I know. I'm thinking different."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm trying something. I don't know how to describe it." Tyler shifted his weight to balance on one foot. "It's thinking about how orange is a confused color. And how bitter sweet nostalgia tastes like the twenty-second of August."

"Here we go again," Nico grumbled, rolling his eyes.

Josh thought for a moment. "And how the storm today was like...like a trombone? You know, warm and bold and soft at the same time."

Tyler nodded. "I think so."

"That's pretty cool."

"Sick."

"What?"

"You said it a while ago. Sick. Like awesome."

Josh laughed lightly, and the darkness around the street lamp didn't seem as pressing as it had been. "Yeah, I remember. That's sick."

Tyler cracked a smile. "Sick."

"You guys are idiots," Nico grumbled.

"You know what, Tyler? I changed my mind," Josh said, looking at him with coffee eyes that seemed to almost glow. "You're pretty weird. But that makes you way more fun to hang out with. If you weren't weird, you'd be boring."

"Everyone would be the same," Tyler said, remembering what Clancy had said earlier.

Josh thought about it for a minute. "Yeah, I guess they would. Then it's a good thing you're weird." He flashed a bright sort of smile that said something like  _ I'm here and it's great!  _ even though he had said it wasn't great at all.

"You have a nice smile," Tyler said without thinking.

Josh smiled again without showing his teeth this time. It was shy and full of blush but the corners of his eyes still crinkled like shiny silver wrapping paper on Christmas morning. "Thank you."

And when Tyler went home again, he was cold and wet and thinking about how he could make Josh smile like that again.


	11. eleven - take it slow

"I'm sorry about what happened at dinner," his mother said the second he reentered the house.

"I'm sure you are," he said, ignoring her and climbing up the stairs.

"What can I do to make it up to you?"

"Nothing."

"Are you hungry?"

"No."

"You sure?"

" _ Yes _ , Momma, I'm sure."

"Alright," she said slowly. "But if you need anything, let me know, okay?"

"Okay," he echoed. He turned the corner and disappeared into his bedroom, and immediately flopped down on his bed. "I don't know how to feel," he said to the ceiling. "I had a great day with Josh, found out my family hates me, decided on a new way of thinking, and talked to Josh some more. What kind of day was this?"

"An extremely stressful one," both Clancy and Nico said at the same time.

"Yeah, it was wild," Tyler agreed, yawning. "I'm exhausted."

"No more thinking in weird metaphors when you wake up, okay?" Nico grumbled.

"I'll try," he said, only to make Nico happy. The truth was that he liked thinking like that. And when Josh had tried so hard to understand, it had made him feel warm and tingly inside, like...like...

He huffed softly in frustration and stood back up to change and get ready for bed. It was barely eight thirty, but he was tired and ready for a new day. He had a feeling Nico would keep him up all night.

He changed into his pajamas and brushed his teeth, and then his stomach rumbled. "No," he told it.

He started back to his bedroom, ducking around Zack, who was playing on his phone in the hallway. Unfortunately, he stumbled and nearly tripped into him.

His brother looked up for only a second. "Where'd you go during dinner?" he asked, still staring at his phone.

"Nowhere," he said.

"Your voice is really high. It's annoying."

"Then maybe you should stop talking to me."

Nico had a dark smile on his face when Tyler closed the bedroom door again. "They really do hate you," he said.

"He hasn't said a nice thing to me in probably three years," Tyler grumbled, flicking the light off and running the few steps to his bed.

"Why do you do that? Run to your bed, I mean?"

Tyler swore he could see Nico's eyes glowing in the dark, watching him like a vulture. He quickly turned away, and the soft glow of the alarm clock illuminated the dent in the wall by his pillow. It looked like a blot of shadow, a blemish, a sin, and he remembered what Nico had told him about going to hell.

"No reason," he said.

"Come on, now you're talking to me like you talk to your parents."

"Maybe I like it that way."

"I know you don't."

"It's scary to walk in the dark," Clancy mumbled.

"It's a childhood habit," Tyler said, pulling the covers up over his head.

"You forgot to say your prayers," Clancy reminded softly.

"I know," he said.

...

_ Bumblebees. _

_ Josh makes me feel like bumblebees. _

Tyler sat up suddenly, fully awake. He turned to look at his alarm clock and check what time it was -  _ 3:27 _ , it said. The other boys were asleep, but not for long.

"What's wrong?" Clancy mumbled, sitting up slowly and rubbing his eyes.

"Nothing," Tyler said honestly.

"There's always something wrong," Nico muttered. "Thinking about ants again?"

"No."

"Do you want to?"

"No." Tyler laid back down slowly, resting his hands on his stomach and staring at the ceiling. "I'm thinking about bumblebees."

...

Josh's sluffing schedule was very inconsistent, but even though Tyler usually hated inconsistency, he found he didn't mind. They hung out whenever they could, and it seemed like Josh was just as excited about all of it as Tyler was.

The days all blurred together now, but Tyler thought it had been three weeks since the night they'd met under the street lamp. Had that only been the third time they'd seen each other? He felt like he'd known Josh for years.

"What are you writing?" Clancy asked curiously.

"Just some stuff," Tyler said, starting to cover it with his arm before Nico could see, but he was too late.

" _ I think you would beat the moon in a pretty contest, _ " Nico read. "That doesn't make any sense."

"Sure it does."

"Does not. Nothing you've ever said recently makes sense."

"It makes sense to me." He shifted his weight and spun the pen on the tip of his finger. "It makes sense to Josh," he said quietly.

"Isn't that just more proof that he isn't real?" Nico asked, resting his elbows on the desk next to him. "Half the time, even Clancy has no idea what you're saying."

"But it sounds pretty," Clancy said.

"It doesn't matter if anyone else knows what it means as long as I do." Tyler shrugged and looked out the window. "Besides, it's nice having something that's completely my own."

"This is stupid," Nico grumbled, moving to go sit on the bed.

"You're stupid," Tyler muttered to himself, mostly just a hollow response. Nico's mood had been more deprecating recently, and it was starting to rub off on him.

_ I feed on emotion,  _ he wrote at the top of the page.

"I feel like those little boxes you buy at craft stores," he said to the window, leaning on his elbow and cupping his cheek in his hand.

"What does  _ that  _ mean?" Nico complained.

"You'll have to figure that one out yourself." He stood up and stretched his arms, and then glanced at the door. His stomach grumbled, reminding him that he hadn't eaten since four p.m. the day before. "Guess I'd better eat something," he muttered, disappointed. Eating made him feel sick, and he would much rather be a little hungry than curled up in his bed with an upset stomach.

When he was about halfway down the stairs, he saw his parents standing by the kitchen table, as if they were waiting for him. He paused and frowned a little, and felt Clancy lean closer to him nervously. Tyler felt it, too. The air shifted uncomfortably like shredded carpet.

"Hey, Tyler," his mom said, her fake sweet voice making him physically sick.

"Hi," he said, staying by the stairs with his hand on the rail.

"Why don't you come into the kitchen?" his father asked, forcing a smile. "We have something we need to talk to you about."

"Shouldn't you be at work?" Tyler asked in a monotone. He didn't make any move to come down.

"It will only take a minute," his mother said.

"Promise?"

"Do you have plans today?"

"Promise it'll only take a minute?" he said, shifting his weight and staring blankly ahead.

His mother sighed softly. "Yes. I promise."

"Okay." Tyler hopped down the last couple steps, listening to the familiar double thud of the two others behind him. He slowly entered the kitchen, but hovered by the hallway in case he needed to leave.

"Come sit down," his father said.

"No thanks." The kitchen suddenly felt more like a bird cage, and he wanted to spread his wings and fly out of there as fast as he could.

Neither of them spoke for a minute. Tyler stepped back to stand in between Clancy and Nico. He felt protected between them, like they were covering him.

"Well, I guess we'll start here," his mother said carefully, testing the waters. "I called a few people, and we've found someone who we think can help you."

"A doctor?" he asked, surprised.

"A therapist, yes," his father said. "We've scheduled an appointment with her in two days, if you're alright with that."

"Oh," was all that came out.

His parents exchanged a glance. "Are you alright with that?"

"I don't know," he said honestly. It was probably the most honest thing he'd said to them all week.

"How about we go to one appointment, and then we'll see how you feel, okay?" His mother smiled again, and Tyler tried not to throw up.

"Okay," he echoed blankly.

When he didn't say anything else, his father cleared his throat awkwardly and continued. "Can we move on to the next topic?" he asked gently.

"I don't know,  _ can you _ ?" Nico grumbled sarcastically.

"Yes," Tyler said.

"Okay." They glanced at each other again, and Clancy shifted closer to Tyler again. "Since it's almost the end of the semester," his father started slowly, "and next year, you'll be a senior, we were thinking...maybe it would be good for you to go to a regular school, with regular kids."

"No," Tyler said instantly. He remembered how much Josh hated that place and determined that he was never going to go there.

"It would be next year, of course," his mother said quickly. "We'd make sure to tell your teachers, and I'm sure you'd have some classes with a few guys on your team."

"I don't want to," he said, his voice starting to shake. He felt like small helpless polka dots on a hard grey background, and he didn't like it. He wanted to go outside and talk to Josh, and his hands were shaking to prove it. Like a spark on dry grass.

"That's why we're telling you now," his father said. "So you can prepare."

"I'm not going to school where all the people are fake and everyone's judgy," he said, backing up into the counter. He could barely stand up by himself. Suddenly everything was happening so fast, and he felt dizzy and confused.

"Who told you that?"

"I'm not going to. I swear I won't." He stumbled to the door, feeling betrayed and trapped by his own parents. He couldn't breathe in here anymore. He had to get out. "And I don't want to go to a stupid therapist. I'm not sick, I'm not broken, and I'm not a freak."

"Tyler -"

But he was already out the door, leaving his two imaginary friends just as baffled as his parents.


	12. twelve - silence gives you space

"You can't just run out of the house every time something upsets you," Josh said, and in that moment, he sounded like Tyler's father, and he hated it.

"And you can't ditch school every time you don't want to be there," Tyler said bitterly. "Yet here we are."

Josh paused for a moment and then smiled a little. "You got me there. Man, that place sucks. And they're going to make you go next year?"

"I think so."

"Maybe running away was a good idea."

"I didn't run away," Tyler said.

"It sure looks like you did," all three of them said, and Tyler jumped. The hair on the back of his neck prickled up at the dissonance of their voices and he shivered against his will.

Josh frowned. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Tyler said, absentmindedly rubbing his arms. "Just...thought I heard something."

"And now you feel like fog in October?" Josh suggested, and Tyler nodded with a small, sad smile.

"Yeah. Like icy fog in October."

"It's a nice day for October," Josh remarked, looking up at the sky. "I can't remember a day in the middle of the fall be so warm."

"Yeah, it's nice." Tyler kicked at a rock on the sidewalk and watched it bounce into the gutter. "I wish it could stay like this forever."

"Why? Wouldn't that make life boring?"

"It would be perfect," Clancy muttered. 

"Because..." Tyler paused to think for a moment. "Because I'm scared."

Josh paused and turned to look at him, his coffee eyes full of concern. "Of what?" he asked softly.

Tyler shrugged. "Everything. Of what's next. Of new things."

"Oh." Josh turned back to see where he was walking. He seemed to consider what Tyler had said, and after a minute, he nodded. "Yeah, I can see that. But it's also fun, if you let it be."

"How can you think the future will be fun when you have no idea what it'll be like?" Tyler asked. His voice sounded like he was making an accusation, but he was just confused.

"No, I mean it's fun to be surprised." Josh smiled again and stuck his hands in his pockets. "I'm excited to get out of here when I'm older. I have no idea what that'll be like, but I can't wait."

"Why?" Tyler asked curiously. "What's so bad about this place?"

His friend laughed, but it was strained and sarcastic. "You have no idea."

"Is it like the time you told me I didn't understand why you didn't want to go home?"

Josh nodded. "Yeah, it's like that."

"Can you help me understand?"

"No!" he said quickly, and both Clancy and Tyler flinched. "S-sorry," he muttered, realizing his mistake. "I just...I don't want to tell you."

"Can you describe what it feels like without telling me about it?" Tyler asked softly. "I want to help you. You're my best friend."

"Hey," Clancy protested under his breath.

"You sound like your mom when you talk like that," Nico grumbled. 

Tyler winced as he realized he was right. "I mean, you don't have to, if you don't want," he said to Josh, but the look on his face made him wish that he'd never brought it up in the first place. 

"You can't help me," Josh said. His eyes had gone hard and he was glaring at the sidewalk as if he could break it just by looking hard enough. But then he glanced at Tyler again, and his eyes melted like chocolate. "I'm sorry," he said. 

"I know I can't help you," Tyler muttered. "You can't help me, either. But it helps to just be here, you know?"

Josh didn't answer. They passed the park, but neither of them slowed, so they continued their walk down the street. Silence settled between them, giving them both plenty of time to think. Tyler wondered what Josh was thinking about, but he didn't say anything. He wondered if now was a good time to tell him that he made him feel like bumblebees. But as soon as he thought it, his heart jerked in his chest and his hands got all sweaty. No, that would have to wait.

"It's the Arctic where I'm from," Josh finally said, his voice quiet and timid. Tyler didn't look at him, but he felt him shift beside him and saw his shadow shrink down a little as he hunched over. "Frigid. Hard. Lifeless." He shivered, and Tyler felt himself shiver as well. "It's walking down the hallway in a horror movie when the board creaks and there's a silent scream but it's suicide to run. It's standing there motionless and praying it doesn't see, but then its icy fingers dig into your shoulders and freeze your soul in place and you can't breathe. It's..."

Josh's voice was shaking. His hands were stuffed into his jacket pockets, but Tyler was sure they were shaking, too. Clancy and Nico, thankfully, stayed quiet.

"It's so dark," he whispered. "It's so dark there. And blue and purple and bright, bright red. It's like...I'm a rabbit. I'm just a helpless, terrified rabbit."

"Oh," Tyler said. There were no words to explain what he wanted to say. He wanted to wrap him up in his arms and promise that everything would be okay, but he couldn't. Nothing was okay. And he was too afraid that if he hugged him, he'd find out that he wasn't real. Josh was one of the most real people he had in his life. He didn't want that to go away.

"Do me a favor," Josh said, turning away from him and staring into the horizon.

"Anything."

"If you ever find yourself there, run as fast as you can and never look back."


	13. thirteen - our brains are sick

Dr. Ann Rothlesberger's office was very green, but somehow still rather dull. Tyler's eyes darted around the room as he tried to look anywhere but her, but eventually, he just settled for staring at the rust colored rug on the floor. The squares and rectangles didn't line up, and that irritated him more than it probably should have.

"Hello, Tyler," the Dr. Rothlesberger said. Her voice was like gingerbread on Christmas. Tyler didn't like gingerbread.

"Hi," he said, still staring at the floor.

"I don't like her," Nico declared.

"Big surprise," Clancy muttered.

"Is it alright if we talk for a bit?" she asked.

"What if I say no?" Tyler said.

"Tyler," his mother scolded.

"Sorry," he mumbled.

"No, it's alright." The strange woman across from him smiled and put her clipboard on the table. "If you don't want to talk, I'll talk to your parents until you're ready."

"Okay," he said.

"This is weird," Clancy mumbled, playing with a button on his shirt.

"This first appointment is mostly so I can get to know you," the therapist said. She began talking with his parents, but Tyler zoned out and counted the rectangles on the rug. There were forty six of them.

He felt like a goldfish in this room. He knew they were talking about him. He knew they were here because his "brain was sick", as his mother put it, but he felt like he was looking through the glass of a fish bowl. He was living in his own little world, and though he could see others tapping on the side and trying to talk to him, he couldn't hear them. It was rather peaceful, and he wasn't sure he wanted it to change.

The dark brown couch they were sitting on had two green decorative pillows, one on either side. Tyler shifted to grab one and hold it on his lap, and then felt all eyes glance at him. To his surprise, the therapist - "Call me Ann," she'd said - was just as quick to move on as his parents, maybe even quicker. He liked that. He didn't like when people who weren't talking to him had their eyes on him, watching him.

"About a month ago," his mother said, drawing his attention to their conversation, though he stayed staring at the ground. That was when he'd first met Josh.

"Has anything happened in your family that might have triggered this?" Ann asked. "Anything unusual or different from routine?"

"Basketball season started, and he's on the high school team, but he's been on it for almost three years now." His father looked at him, and this time, his eyes lingered.

_ Stop looking at me,  _ he almost said.

"I can't think of anything else. Can you?" His father looked at his mother, and she shook his head. He looked back at Tyler. "How about you, bud?"

"I'm not your buddy," he mumbled.

"What was that?"

"I'm not ready," he corrected himself.

His mother sighed, though she tried to cover it up with a pathetic excuse for a cough. "You have to talk sometime," she said.

"It's alright if you don't want to talk just yet," Ann said, and Tyler resisted the urge to smirk at his parents. Maybe she wouldn't be so bad after all.

"Actually," he said, surprised to find his voice steady, "it's getting a little crowded in here. You know. With all six people." He glanced at his parents again, waiting for a negative response.

"What do you -" his mother started.

"I mean I want to talk to her alone," he said simply. "Without you."

"Without..." His parents exchanged a nervous glance, and then his mother cleared her throat. "Al-alright. I suppose we can wait in the lobby."

"Good," he said, nodding.

Again, they looked at each other as if they wanted to protest, but they said nothing as they rose from the couch and silently, reluctantly, left the room.

He watched the door close and heard the soft click of the latch, and then he let himself relax just a little. He saw his two friends do the same, but their shoulders were still tight with anxiety and Clancy was chewing on his thumbnail again.

"Are you ready to talk now?" Ann asked quietly. This time, her voice was like cider and warm honey, and he nodded.

"What are we going to talk about?"

"Anything you'd like."

"Anything?"

She smiled and nodded, and he looked up at the ceiling, thinking.

"Tell her about orange," Clancy whispered.

"First I have to tell her about you," he said, and then looked at Ann for a second before dropping his eyes back to the rug. "Can I call you Dr. Ann?" he asked.

"Sure," she said. He waited for the question  _ why  _ to come, but it never did, so he made a soft  _ hmm  _ sound and looked at his two friends for support.

"You're going to help me," he said to her, not quite like a question, but not a statement, either.

"I'll do my best," Dr. Ann said.

"So I can tell you about my friends and you won't think I'm a freak?"

"Of course not, Tyler." She smiled again, like she really meant it, but he was still skeptical. She could still be venomous underneath her soft silky smile.

"And you won't tell my parents anything I say?"

"Not without permission from you first," she assured.

He narrowed his eyes and looked right at her. "Promise?"

She met his eyes firmly. "Promise." Her smile was barely there now, and that made him feel trusted. She took him seriously.

Clancy nodded and sat cross-legged on the floor by Tyler's legs instead of standing in the tiny space between the corner of the room and the couch. Nico stayed where he was, glaring by the door, but Tyler had expected that much, so he ignored him.

"Good," he said. "Then I'm going to tell you whatever I feel like, because I've been holding it in for three years and it's driving me crazy."

_ Three years?  _ He almost heard the question, but it never came.

"Is it alright if I take notes?" Dr. Ann asked.

"Yeah, I guess," he said, letting a bit of disappointment seep into his voice like a sponge.

"I won't if you don't want me to," she said.

"No, it's okay." Tyler fluffed the pillow a bit before hugging it to his chest and leaning his elbows on his knees. "There's two people in this room," he said.

"You and me?" Dr. Ann looked at him expectantly.

"No," he said, then hesitated. "Well, yes, but no."

"Can you explain?"

"Maybe. A little." He shifted his weight again and itched his nose, more because of a nervous habit than a need. "One's named Clancy. The other one..." He glanced at Nico and shivered slightly. His soulless stare seemed particularly threatening. "I can't tell you about him right now."

"Alright," she said, writing something on the clipboard.

"Are you going to ask why not?"

"Do you want me to?" She raised an eyebrow and looked up from the clipboard.

"No," he said. "You're just the first person who hasn't asked."

"So there are two people," she said. "Your friends, right?" She waited for his nod, and then she returned it. "There's one you can't tell me about, but the other is named Clancy. Can you tell me about him?"

Tyler looked at Clancy for permission, and after a minute, the imaginary boy nodded. "Yes, I can," Tyler said.


	14. fourteen - down in the forest

"I have something to show you," Josh said.

"What is it?" Tyler asked, feeling a burst of nervous excitement. He glanced at the two others beside him and noticed that even though Clancy was chewing his thumbnail again, he was smiling just slightly. Nico was quieter than usual and stayed staring at the ground with an empty, tired expression.

Josh laughed a little, a sort of breathy giggle that made Tyler's heart flutter. "It's a surprise, genius."

"Oh," Tyler said.

"You're blushing," Clancy whispered, and that, in turn, made him blush harder.

"Hey, are you okay?" Josh asked, his eyes gentle and concerned.

"Yes," Tyler mumbled, feeling something like an over-ripe tomato.

"You sure?"

"Yeah. I - I just think you're...um..." He wanted to hide his face and make his heart calm down, but he couldn't do either. He didn't even have the nerves to tell Josh was he was thinking about.

"What?" Josh asked curiously, tipping his head slightly.

"I'm just thinking about bumblebees," he said quickly.

"Ruined it again," Nico muttered, and Tyler's mind instantly ran through as many of their interactions as he could remember. Had he ruined it before? What  _ had  _ he ruined?

"I like bumblebees," Josh said, easing some of the anxiety in his chest. "They're cute and fuzzy and always running into things. Come on, the surprise is super sweet."

"Sick," Tyler muttered as they started walking, and Josh laughed again.

"Yeah, it's sick."

"I feel like bumblebees sometimes," Tyler said slowly, wondering if Josh would understand.

"I don't think I know what that means," Josh said. "Could you explain it to me?"

"No," Tyler said, unsure whether to be relieved or disappointed. "I don't have the words."

"Okay," Josh said. He didn't even sound disappointed, and that made Tyler relax a little. He wasn't pressuring him to try and explain something he couldn't, and Tyler really appreciated that. No one else was like that. His parents always pestered him until he made up some answer to satisfy them, and even Dr. Ann had pushed him into talking, even though she'd done it gently. 

"Can you tell me where we're going?" Tyler asked. 

"The forest."

Instantly, his heart jumped with anxiety. He exchanged a glance with Clancy. "The forest?"

"Yeah, it's super cool in there." Josh didn't seem even a little bit scared, so Tyler tried to cover his fear as well. If Josh thought it was safe, then he'd believe it was safe, too. He trusted him. 

"You trust an imaginary person with your life?" Nico sneered, mostly to himself. "Pathetic."

Tyler glared at him over his shoulder, but a sinking cement feeling settled in his chest and tied his stomach in knots.  _ I'm sure we'll be fine,  _ he told himself, but he didn't quite believe it. 

The forest was only about a ten minute walk from Tyler's house, and they were quiet the whole time. There was a path leading into the trees, and about a mile down the path, there was a creek and a bridge, and then the path curved around and looped back to where it started. Tyler felt a hundred times safer on the path than he decided he would if he stepped off. The trees blocked the sky and covered the ground with shadows, and sometimes, Tyler swore he saw something darting between the trees, following them. 

"I don't like the forest," he mumbled. "It's got a sort of piano-at-midnight feel, you know?"

"Yeah, I like it," Josh said. "Don't worry. There's nothing to be afraid of in the daytime. If you look up, you can see how the sunlight comes through the branches and turns the leaves golden."

Tyler looked up, and sure enough, the leaves were lined with gold thread, and he thought the air around them was a little bit lighter. 

"You let him change your mind so easily," Nico accused. "That's not good for you. You rely too much on him, and you don't even know if he's real or not."

"Shut up," Tyler muttered under his breath, and then tripped as Clancy stepped on his heel.

Josh glanced at him and covered his mouth with his hand to stifle a laugh. Tyler laughed a little, too, but it was strained and uncomfortable.

"You're really that scared?" Josh asked, catching on to his fear and frowning.

Tyler nodded. "Something happened in here a long time ago."

He suddenly felt all tingly through his entire body, and he shivered and rubbed his nose. Clancy let out a soft, choked cry as they remembered. "Don't think about that," he begged.

"Crybaby," Nico muttered, giving him a shove.

Clancy stumbled and fell into the brush on the side of the path with a yelp. Tyler's heart skipped a beat and he jerked forward, reaching his hand out to catch him, but he quickly realized his mistake and ducked his head, wishing he could hide before Josh said anything.

"I'm - I'm sorry," he stammered. "I thought I saw something..."

"We can go back if you want," Josh said softly.

"Yes, please," Clancy whispered as he pulled himself out of the bushes. He had sticks and leaves stuck to his shirt and in his hair, and dirt stains on his knees. His hands were scraped up and there was a small cut on his cheek, leaking bright scarlet blood.

"It couldn't have been that bad," Nico said.

"Don't talk to me," Clancy said, his voice shaking.

"Come on, calm down."

"You weren't even there," Clancy snapped. "Don't tell me it wasn't bad."

"Tyler?"

Josh's voice brought him back to the real world, and Tyler turned to face forward instead of staring at his friends. "Sorry," he mumbled.

"Do you want to go back?" His voice was so concerned and gentle, like the soft middle of the strawberry candies his grandmother always gave him.

He shook his head. "No, I want to see the surprise. It's not as scary with you here, anyway." The lie tasted bitter on his tongue, but he swallowed hard and told himself to suck it up. He didn't want to disappoint Josh, and he was curious about the surprise.

Josh smiled, his eyes crinkling like they always did. Tyler loved that. "Okay, but if you change your mind, tell me. I won't be disappointed." He faced ahead again, still leading him down the path, and he thought he heard him mutter something about understanding triggers.

"I will," Tyler said, hoping that he wasn't lying again.

They reached the bridge and Josh paused for a moment, leaning his arms on the rail and looking down at the stream. Tyler did the same, and the soft bubbling of the rushing water began to calm his nerves. Neither of them said anything, but he didn't mind. It was relieving sometimes to be able to stand in silence with Josh instead of filling every moment with words. 

He dropped a leaf in the water and watched it go under the bridge, and then they both turned to the other side to watch it come out with the same childlike fascination they'd had when they were little kids. Tyler wished he could turn back time and be a kid again, when nothing really mattered. He could be whatever he wanted and no one thought he was crazy or freakish. He could talk to Clancy all day, and his parents would just laugh at his creativity. 

"Come on," Josh finally said. "We're almost there."

Only a few paces ahead, the path curved and started back. Tyler walked slightly behind Josh, letting him lead, and then his heart jumped again as Josh stepped off the path by a fallen tree and continued straight into the forest. 

"Um, Josh?" Tyler said, staying on the edge and shifting his weight uncomfortably. 

"Yeah?" Josh turned to look at him. 

"I - I'm scared. I can't go off the path." He felt his cheeks flush pink in embarrassment, but couldn't bring himself to follow. 

_ But we're almost there,  _ Josh almost said. Tyler could see it in his eyes. "Do you need help?" his friend asked instead. 

Tyler nodded. 

"What if you..." Josh paused to think. "What if you step exactly where I do? Would that make you feel safer?"

He shook his head. 

"Okay...what if we walk right next to each other and step together?"

Tyler thought for a minute. "I think I can do that."

"Oh, no," Clancy whimpered. 

"Can you hold on to me?" he asked both of them. 

"Sure," Josh said instantly, coming back to stand next to him. Clancy was a little slower to respond, but he nodded silently and linked arms with him. 

"This is ridiculous," Nico grumbled. 

Tyler cautiously slipped his arm around Josh's, linking their elbows. To his relief, Josh didn't flinch or move away. He half expected him to laugh at him, but that didn't happen either. 

"Ready?" he asked him, and Tyler nodded. 

Together, they took a hesitant step with their right feet, and then with their left, and slowly, Tyler found more confidence and they began to walk faster. He was tight with anxiety and his heart was beating hard and frantic, and he found himself moving closer to Josh. He tried to avoid touching more than his arm, afraid he'd feel cold and light, like Nico and Clancy. Josh noticed and glanced at him, but didn't mention it.

"Almost there," he said. "You okay?"

"Yes," Tyler whispered.

"No," Clancy breathed.

After a few painfully long minutes, they approached an old chain link fence covered in rust. There was a rusty, broken sign that read "NO TRESPASSING" in faded red letters.

"It's just over the fence," Josh said.

Tyler just swallowed hard and decided not to point out the sign.

"Careful," Josh said as they climbed up the fence. "There's a sharp part right there."

Tyler avoided it and stayed perched up on the fence for a moment. "I'm a flightless bird," he muttered. "Trapped and grey and very, very sad."

"Help," Clancy squealed, struggling to climb up next to him.

"It's just a little farther from here," Josh said, pointing deeper into the forest, and together, they resumed their adventure.

At last, they stopped. Tyler's hands were clammy and shaking, and he felt like he could barely breathe. The memories of what had happened in the forest replayed over and over and wouldn't go away.

"Look up," Josh urged quietly.

Slowly, Tyler lifted his eyes from the ground and saw the end of a rope, swinging lazily in the breeze a foot off the ground. His eyes followed the rope up into a large, gnarled tree, and his caught his breath in amazement.

It was a treehouse.

It was old and torn apart, but it looked sturdy enough to support them. There were boards nailed to the trunk as a ladder, and a faded green letter box around one side. The walls were open to the elements, but had a few boards as rails. The top was covered, and there was a mini room on top, and a couple boards leading to the branches of another tree on top of that. It was small and looked as though it had been abandoned for a long time, and Tyler loved it. Just like that, he forgot the bad things and stood there in amazement.

"Whoa," he whispered.

Josh had on the biggest grin Tyler had ever seen. "Isn't it great? I found it a few days ago. I don't think anybody's been in here for years, so it's practically ours now. Come on, come on, come on; I want to show you the inside."

"That doesn't look very safe," Clancy commented softly.

"Maybe he'll fall and break his ankle and never come back so you'll stop whining," Nico muttered.

"He can't break his ankle. He has basketball."

Tyler had completely forgotten about basketball. He had a practice that afternoon. He chose to forget about it again.

The boards on the tree trunk were old and felt almost slimy under his fingers, so he climbed as quickly as he could into the treehouse. It was darker inside and smelled old and musty, but he liked it anyway.

"This is perfect," he said.

"It's awesome."

Josh pulled something out of his pocket and flicked it on. It turned out to be a lighter, and the glow of the tiny flame illuminated just a little more of the small room. It was too short to stand in, but Tyler didn't think standing in it was the smartest idea anyway, so he didn't mind.

Josh suddenly noticed something, and dug something else out of his pocket. "Hold this," he said, handing Tyler the lighter.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

Josh opened the blade of the pocket knife and started scratching something out on the floor in the corner. "Someone carved the f-word into the floor and I don't like it."

"Why?" Tyler asked. From what he'd heard about high school, he thought all kids his age swore a lot.

Josh didn't answer for a minute, choosing instead to scratch more aggressively. "There's a lot of swearing where I come from," he finally said. "And I don't like it."

"I don't like it either." Tyler leaned back against one of the boards and glanced at the two others. Clancy was trying to make himself look smaller in the corner, and Nico was sitting with his back to the room, dangling his legs off of the edge.

"There, now you can't really read it." Josh closed his knife and put it back in his pocket, and then sat across from Tyler and leaned back as well. "I love this place. Now we can hang out here instead of going to the park and risking someone catching me ditching school."

"Are you going to graduate?" Tyler asked.

"Yeah, I have to. If I don't, I can't get out of here."

"Where will you go?"

Josh shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe New York or California. Or maybe Chicago. That's far enough away, and you could come visit me sometimes."

"I don't think I'll ever leave Columbus," Tyler said. "I don't like change. It scares me."

"Fair enough." Josh shrugged. "Just find a place where you're happy. Doesn't matter where."

"Oh, I have a question," he said as he thought of something.

"Shoot."

"I went to a psychologist yesterday, and I'm going back next week. Can I tell her about you?"

Josh suddenly looked uncomfortable, and hesitated before he answered. "I don't know. Will she ever tell your parents?"

"She promised me she wouldn't tell them anything if I didn't give her permission first."

"Then yes. You can. But don't let her tell anyone else about me. Please."

"Okay," Tyler said, suddenly wondering just how real he actually was.


	15. fifteen - i created this world

Tyler opened the door slowly and tried to sneak in as quietly as he could. The sun had just set below the horizon, and there had been just enough daylight left to walk home without being too afraid. Now he was worried about what his mother would do.

Sure enough, Tyler heard her catch her breath and stand up fast enough to nearly knock the chair over. The muffled voices in the kitchen went silent, and for a brief moment, there was silence except for the ticking of the clock in the hall. Then his mother ran down the hall, her cheeks flushed and her eyes puffy and red.

"Tyler! Tyler, where have you been?" She tried to grab him in a hug, but he ducked and pressed himself against the door, and she frowned. "Honey, where were you? We looked all over for you. At first I thought you'd just walked to basketball but then you never came home, so I called a couple boys and they said you weren't at practice, and with you acting so strange and talking about those imaginary boys all the time, I was so worried -"

"I'm fine, Mom," he said, wishing she would back up and let him go upstairs. He didn't want her to smell the forest or the musty air from the treehouse.

"Come on," Clancy whispered, shifting his weight from foot to foot on the top of the stairs.

"Hold still or I'll push you down the stairs," Nico grumbled.

"You can't just run off like that," his mother said, gently resting her hands on his shoulders. "You scared me. Where were you?"

"Just around," he said, shrugging and avoiding her eyes. He couldn't tell her about the forest. She would completely lose her mind.

"Tyler, we looked everywhere for you," she said, and he heard her voice crack and saw the glisten of tears on her face. "We called everyone we knew. I was just about to call the police. I thought..." She paused and swallowed hard. "I don't know what I thought. I thought you'd been kidnapped. I thought you'd run away. I thought...I thought..."

"I'm fine," he said.

She suddenly grabbed him in a hug, holding him tight against her heart. Instantly, he went completely rigid. He could feel her shaking as she held him, and realized that she was crying.

"I'm okay, Momma," he whispered. "Promise."

"How was I supposed to know that, Tyler?" she demanded. She sounded like she wanted to be angry and scold him, but she couldn't bring herself to raise her voice. Like a thunderstorm at three in the afternoon. "Please, Tyler, baby, I want to trust you, but you can't run off like that. I don't want to make you stay home all day, but if you run off at every second you get, I might have to. You have to tell me where you're going and when you'll be back. What were you doing?"

"Nothing," he said in a very unconvincing manner.

"Please tell me."

"I was just walking around," he said, pulling away from her embrace and balancing on one foot.

"For five hours?" his father demanded from the hallway. "Honestly, Tyler, this has to stop."

"Sorry," he said, hoping that if he apologized, they'd let him go upstairs.

"You have to tell me where you're going and what you're doing, okay?" His mother looked right at him, but he kept his eyes on the floor.

"Okay," he said.

She sighed and ran a hand through her hair, and then sniffed and tried to rub her eyes without smearing her makeup. "Alright. Okay. No use crying over it now. You're home and you're safe. Are you hungry?"

"No," he said.

"Will you come eat dinner with us anyway?"

"No," he repeated.

"Why not?"

"I'm tired."

His parents exchanged a glance. It looked as though his father was going to scold him and force him to eat with them, but his mother just nodded and answered before he could say anything. "Alright. Heading to bed?"

"Yes." It was seven o'clock.

"Alright. Goodnight. I love you." She smiled, but it was sad and strained, and he didn't bother returning it.

"Love you," he echoed blankly.

...

"I can't stand them!" he shouted into his pillow. "I can't stand the way she looks at me every time I come in and I can't stand them treating me like a baby or like some special freak who needs to be watched all the time! I want them to leave me alone!"

"They're only trying to be good parents," Clancy said softly. "You're lucky to -"

"I'm so lucky," he growled. "So  _ freaking lucky _ and I hate it!" He stood up and threw his pillow across the room as hard as he could. It didn't satisfy anything, so he threw his notebook, too, and nearly took the blinds off of the window. "I know they're doing their best and I know I'm lucky and that's why I feel so full of sickening guilt every time I'm mad at them." He sat down on the side of his bed with a sigh and buried his face in his hands. "I just wish I could talk to them like a normal person. I just...they don't understand what I'm saying when I try. The words just come out all jumbled and confused so I have to keep it so simple they think I'm stupid." He flopped down on the covers and stared at the ceiling, the burst of anger gone as suddenly as it had come. Now it seemed like he had anger issues on top of everything else. Perfect. 

"I don't think you're stupid," Clancy said.

Tyler let out a single sarcastic laugh. "I know, that's what you're supposed to think. I made you up, remember? You're not real."

"I'm real to you, aren't I?"

"What if nothing's real at all?" he asked the ceiling, a sort of cold numbness settling into his heart. He felt something heavy and invisible sink down onto his chest, sending shivers through his entire body.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean what if everything's just made up? What if I'm actually in a coma or locked in an insane asylum somewhere, stuck in this elaborate..."

"World," Clancy suggested. "Dream? Fantasy?"

"Paracosm," Tyler said. "Stuck in this elaborate paracosm."

"Then nothing really matters and you're insignificant and life is completely meaningless," Nico said, shrugging. "Simple."

"But if I created this world," Tyler said slowly, "then I'm its god, aren't I? I could destroy everything in a single thought. I'm not insignificant. I'm the most important person in the universe."

"Then you admit it," Nico said.

"Admit what?"

"You admit that you made up Josh. That he's not real."

Tyler paused, that invisible force squeezing his heart until he thought it might rupture. "That's not what I said."

Nico shrugged again. "Alright, your All-powerful-ness. But don't come crying to me when you finally figure it out."

"If you made all this up, then you can change your parents," Clancy said, suddenly very excited.

"Maybe," Tyler said, staring back up at the ceiling as he went back to feeling miserable. Deep down, he thought he was sure this was all real. But nothing explained Clancy and Nico. He rolled onto his side to face the wall and curled up, closing his eyes and wishing for sleep. Instead, all he could see was the wet eyes and sad smiles of his father and mother.

_ I want to talk to them. I want to tell them exactly how I feel but I know they won't understand what frothy egg whites and jagged cliff edges feel like. They won't understand when I tell them Josh makes me feel like bumblebees and that his smile is a white Christmas and July sunshine all in one. They'll ask questions I can't answer. They'll never listen. They can't. They don't know how. _

He finally drifted off wishing he still felt like the most important person in the universe.


	16. sixteen - fear the night

_ "Tyler!" _

Dark. Pressing dark, like hands squeezing his shoulders and his stomach and his throat. He was cold and wet and so, so scared. Utterly alone.

Someone squeezed his hand, their fingers ice against his clammy skin. He wanted to pull away, but he didn't. He just held on tighter and ran and ran and ran.

The moonlight was ghostly and pale. Lost. He was lost. What was he supposed to do when he was lost? His face was wet and he couldn't see. He rubbed his eyes. Oh. He was crying.

_ "Tyler!" _

They were still following him. The person with the big bag and the shiny black car. He thought it was a man. He had a man's voice. Deep and gruff like a snake's nest.

_ "Tyler!" _

No. Now it was light. Cinnamon hot chocolate. A soft bright golden trumpet voice. He could see him now. The white Christmas and July sunshine smile. The silver paper corners of his eyes.

Josh.

Tyler tightened his grip on Clancy's hand - it was Clancy's, wasn't it? He didn't have time to look. His breath was fire in his lungs. He couldn't see where he was running.

A flash of white. He tripped over a root and tumbled down a ditch. His ankle screamed in protest as it twisted, then snapped.

_ Run!  _ his mind cried desperately.  _ Run, run, run! _

But he couldn't move. His arms were frozen and his legs hurt too bad. He could only scream in pain and terror.

"Momma! Momma!"

Tight fingers latched on to his shoulders, digging into his skin. Sharp and hot fingers. He was soaked now. Oh - was he bleeding? He was bleeding. He was bleeding.

_ "Tyler! Wake up! Wake up!" _

Bleeding all down his back, all down his arms. He tried to grab on to Clancy, begging him to stay with him, hold him, comfort him, but he slipped through his bloody fingers. He could see the scarlet now. Deep cuts by his wrists. Some on his back, too. Wet and cold and sticky.

He choked on his air as he sucked in a massive breath, and let out a sobbing scream. Something was grabbing him. He thrashed in its grip, but it wrapped tightly around him, pinning his arms to his chest, and he couldn't break free.

"Let go!" he screamed. "Let go, let go, let go!" He kicked hard, but all he got in return was a bolt of pain; lightning through his leg.

The more he struggled, the harder it became to breathe. His face was smothered in something soft. Dizzy and lightheaded. Tiny little miners cracking into his skull with their tiny little picks.

_ "Tyler, wake up! Please, wake up!" _

He cried for his mother again, his voice breaking under the strain. Hopeless. Hopeless. The softness against his face was wet and salty. Blood and sweat and tears and -  _ please no _ \- he couldn't breathe.

"Momma!"

Then he was falling. Falling so suddenly he forgot he was laying down in the first place. He tried to reach out for something to catch him, but he was tangled up in  _ that thing,  _ its claws ever digging into his skin. Down, down, down, down -

Tyler hit the floor with a thud and his eyes snapped open. He let out a choked scream, finally managing to shake the blanket out of his face. Why couldn't he move? What was going on? His head was in agony. It hurt to open his eyes, but he couldn't close them. Someone was crying - he was crying, and so was Clancy, who remained on the bed, hugging his knees to his chest. Why was the hall light on? He could see the golden light through the cracks under the door, and suddenly he was immensely grateful for the light to battle the darkness. Where was Nico? There - in the corner, suddenly looking as afraid as Tyler felt. Nico was never afraid.

The door suddenly burst open and his mother rushed in. He could only see her blurry outline through the tears and the agony, and he cried her name in relief.

"Tyler!" she cried. "Tyler, baby, what's wrong?" She knelt next to him and helped him untangle himself from the blankets. Her hands were freezing. He was still wet.

His heart jerked in pure panic and he clawed his shirt over his head, expecting to find it soaked in blood. He was drenched in sweat, but there was no blood. A stab of pain shot through his eyes like a rusted nail, and he dug his palms into his eyes to try and dull it. His gasping sobs shook his entire body, only making his migraine worse.

"It's okay, Tyler, I'm here," his mother whispered, gently gathering him up into her arms. He let himself rest against her warm body and lay his head over her heart, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to muffle his sobbing. "It wasn't real," she said, rocking back and forth and rubbing his back. He was shivering violently.

_ But it was real! _ he wanted to say.  _ It was the forest again, it was that man again... _

But it was Josh. Sweet, kind, beautiful Josh.

_ "You admit that you made up Josh. That he's not real." _

"He's not made up," Tyler sobbed, his voice muffled by his mother's shirt. "He's real. He's real, Momma, he's real."

"I know, baby. I promise we'll fix this. Everything will be okay. Promise."

"It hurts so bad," he wailed, digging his fingernails into his temples. He wanted to bleed. Maybe if he bled, he'd finally know if this was real or not.

His mother gently pulled his arm down before he could hurt himself. "I know, Tyler, I know. It was just a nightmare. It's okay now. You're safe. I've got you."

She ran her fingers through his damp hair and he shivered as tingles shot down his spine. He was exhausted, but he was absolutely terrified of sleep. He couldn't see Josh again in place of that man. He couldn't relive what happened in the forest a long time ago.

He never should have gone in there. He never should have trusted Josh in the first place.

But now they had a place just for them. Peace among the nightmares. And he didn't want to lose what little they had.

"Momma, I'm scared," he whispered.

She held him closer to her chest, gently rubbing his back to calm him. "I'm here now. Nothing's going to hurt you anymore. Promise."


	17. seventeen -migraine

Waking up had a way of refreshing the day - even though Tyler rarely ever wanted to wake up. But this Sunday didn't feel like a new day.

Eventually, his mother fell asleep, and he sat there alone, holding her hand tightly and watching the clock change from  _ 2:00  _ to  _ 3:30  _ to  _ 4:45,  _ and eventually to  _ 7:50 _ , when his father usually woke up on weekends. He'd never had a migraine like this before. It had been a few years since his last one, and he'd forgotten how horrible it was. He wanted to curl up and close his eyes and pass out to escape the pain, but every time he moved, his stomach churned and he nearly threw up. It almost hurt more to close his eyes. He dug his knuckles into his temples and his eyes, desperate for something to drive the pain away.

For once, Clancy and Nico were completely silent. They didn't even get up and move around like they usually did. He was so grateful, and wanted to tell them, but he couldn't speak. His voice stuck in his throat like a fly on a bit of honey, and seemed to tear his flesh apart when it tried to free itself. All he could do was make a soft croaking cry.

His mother shifted at the sound and slowly straightened up, rubbing her neck. "Tyler?" she asked, yawning. "How do you feel?"

"Worse," he breathed.

"What can I get you?"

"Nothing."

"Headache?"

He just nodded slightly.

"Let's get you back in bed," she said softly.

Slowly, she climbed to her feet and helped him stand. The room tipped as his vision flashed white for a moment, and then his stomach lurched and bile rose up in his throat. "I have to throw up," he whispered. "I'm - I'm going to..."

"Can you make it to the bathroom?" his mother asked, taking a step with him. He nodded, even though he was pretty sure he wouldn't make it.

She wrapped her arm around his waist to brace him against her, and together, they staggered out of his room and down the hall to the bathroom. His heart was racing and he thought he'd pass out at any second. He kept his eyes shut tightly to try and block out the pain, but it was no use. It only allowed the tears to spill freely down his cheeks. He collapsed on his knees in front of the toilet and heaved, but nothing came up. His insides wrenched and twisted, but all he could do was cough and cry and wish he'd just vomit and get this over with.

He felt his mother kneel next to him and gently rub his back, sending comforting tingles down his spine, and he shivered violently. He lurched again, and this time, he managed to bring something up. And suddenly he couldn't stop. He threw up over and over again, sobbing until he couldn't distinguish the two disgusting sounds from each other.

His head was going to explode. His brain was going to burst past his skull and squeeze out his eyes and nose and ears. He couldn't take this any longer.

"I'm going to get some crackers and some water, and when you think you can eat something without throwing up, I'll get you some medicine, okay?" his mother said.

He tried to nod, but even that tiny movement hurt too much. He didn't think he'd be able to eat anything today, but his mother said it was too dangerous to his insides if he took his medicine without something in his stomach. He didn't think he'd make it through today without his medicine.

When she came back, he forced himself to nibble on a cracker, even though his stomach churned in protest and he was sure it wouldn't stay down. He couldn't even ask for his medicine. His voice didn't come out, and his brain jumbled all the words together.

His mother handed him the pill and he put it in the back of his mouth. He spilled most of the water down his shirt, but managed to swallow the pill without throwing it back up. Every time he swallowed, he almost gagged, but nothing came up.

"Do you want to go back to bed?" she whispered, and he nodded, even though he was terrified of sleep.

She helped him stand up, but he collapsed against the wall and slid to the floor again, sobbing and digging his knuckles into his eyes. Sobbing only made his agony worse, but he couldn't stop. It hurt so bad...

His mother wrapped her arms tightly around him and helped him to his feet, and then practically carried him back to his room. They passed Zack on the way, but he didn't even glance at them. Typical. She laid him in his bed and closed the blinds and shut the door as Clancy climbed up next to him. The imaginary boy curled up on his side, facing Tyler, and almost took his hand, but then hesitated and let his arm fall limp on the blankets instead.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered, tears silently slipping down his face as well. Nico didn't say anything.

"Can I get you anything else?" his mother asked as quietly as she could.

"Ice pack?" Tyler breathed in between sobs.

"Of course," she said, and rushed out of the room.

"This is all my fault," Clancy whispered. "If I hadn't freaked out in the forest, maybe you would've slept and...and you wouldn't have this anxiety migraine. I'm so, so sorry, Tyler."

Tyler wanted to tell him that it wasn't his fault, but he couldn't, and he was sure Nico had noted his apology. Now, he thought he could feel him smirking to himself. He wanted to tell Clancy it was okay before Nico mentioned it, but they all knew it was far from okay.

His mother came back with an ice pack and a towel, and she helped him position himself so that he could lay on the ice pack without holding it. "Do you want me to stay?" she asked.

He shook his head, but then nodded a little. She sat down next to him and gently ran her fingers through his damp hair. He finally calmed down enough to quiet his crying, but he shuddered violently every time he breathed. "Momma?" he whispered.

"Yes? What can I get you, baby? What do you want?"

And an enormous burst of pain stabbed through his eyes, and he started to cry again. "I wanna die, Momma, I wanna die," he cried. "I can't take it anymore."

"It'll be okay," she said, though she didn't sound very sure. "Your medicine will work in a few minutes and you'll be able to sleep again."

"Can you hold my hand?"

"Of course."

He didn't know how long they sat there, but finally, his medicine started to kick in, and he started to relax as the pain slowly faded. A strange fog settled over his mind, one of the side effects, but it had been years since he'd last taken his medicine, and it felt weird and uncomfortable.

"Momma, I don't like it," he whispered.

"Like what, honey?" she asked, squeezing his hand.

"Everything feels..." He squinted at the ceiling, trying to think of the right words to say.

"Don't you dare," Nico hissed.

"Like jellyfish," Tyler said. "Like orange jellyfish."

"Confused," Clancy translated, though she couldn't hear him. Tyler nodded in agreement, but couldn't find the words to describe the jellyfish feeling.

His mother blinked in surprise. "Oh. Um...I don't know what that means."

"I know," he said, wincing as a spike of pain returned.

Someone knocked softly on the door. "Mom, the phone's for you," Maddy said.

"Okay, just a second." She squeezed Tyler's hand again and stood up. "I'll be right back, okay?"

"Okay," Tyler said. His hand felt cold without her.

As soon as the door clicked shut behind her, Nico pulled a nasty face. "I can't believe it."

"Believe what?" Clancy asked.

"He actually said it. He said one of his stupid metaphors to his mom."

"So?" Tyler mumbled, closing his eyes and turning onto his side to face the wall. He wanted to sink down into his bed and drown in his blankets. He cringed as the migraine flared up, and a few tears slipped down his face.

"Don't you understand how stupid it makes you sound?"

"Go away," Tyler grumbled, pulling the covers over his head.

"Didn't you see her face? She looked at you like you were a complete idiot."

"Go away," he repeated, trying to shrink into his shoulders.

"And believe me, no one wants to talk with a complete idiot. Can't you hear it? Her voice is higher with you, slower, exaggerated. Like she's talking to a three year old."

"Leave me alone," Tyler demanded, but his voice cracked pathetically and he started to cry again. He knew exactly what he was talking about. He'd noticed it years ago. She was different around him. She was careful and very deliberate, picking her words just right so she didn't set him off. Like he was a complete idiot. His father just got mad. His siblings ignored him completely or teased him endlessly. Even his teammates avoided him, and he often sat out during practice and games - even though he was one of the best shots they had. He was a burden, nothing else.

But did Josh think that?

And as soon as Josh was in his mind, he felt guilty. Josh was his friend because he wanted to be, not because they were family or on the same team. Josh understood him in a way no one else did. At least one person would miss him if he was gone.

Tyler found himself grasping Clancy's hand tightly, crying softly into his pillow. The imaginary boy's hand was cold and clammy and made him shiver, but he didn't let go. Clancy understood him, too, at least a little bit. And even if he wasn't real, he was the only thing Tyler could hold on to.

"Look what you did," Clancy muttered. "You made him cry."

"No, look what  _ you  _ did," Nico snapped, his voice as sharp as a knife. " _ You're _ the one who freaked him out about the forest even more than he already was. And thanks to you freaking out like always, he had a nightmare that turned into a migraine. We wouldn't be in this situation if  _ you _ would just learn to  _ shut up _ ."

"You just told him he's an idiot. The imaginary person he made up just called him an idiot."

"No, I just told him the truth. I didn't say he was an idiot. I said his mom thinks he's an idiot. Just watch her, listen to her for a minute, and you'll agree with me."

"Shut up," Tyler mumbled, smothering his face in his pillow.

"Listen to me, Tyler. Maybe if you stopped talking like a freak, she'd stop treating you like one."

"Shut up!" he shouted, his voice muffled by his pillow. Pain shot through his head as he rose his voice. "Shut up, shut up, shut up,  _ shut up _ !"

"Tyler, what's going on in there?" his mother called softly, keeping the door closed.

"Go away," he said, squeezing his eyes shut and gritting his teeth and trying to only think about Josh, because Josh was the only one who really understood him. He was the only one who'd care if he disappeared and never came back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know the summary says it updates three times a week but i lowkey forgot about it sorry


	18. eighteen - you will never know

"So what'd your therapist say about me?" Josh asked, flipping his pocket knife open and shut.

"Oh, uh..." Tyler shifted his weight and looked out at the trees surrounding their treehouse. It was raining a little, and he watched the little stream of water trickle off the roof. "I haven't told her yet."

"Why not?" he asked curiously.

"I don't know. I just got nervous, I guess." Tyler picked at the hem of his shirt absentmindedly. "Have you told anyone about me?"

"No."

"Why not?"

Josh didn't answer. He just dropped his eyes and ran the tip of his knife under his fingernails.

"Are you embarrassed?"

"No!" he said quickly. "No, of course not. I just...I just don't want you to get hurt."

Tyler frowned. "What do you mean?"

"You wouldn't understand. Same reason I don't want you to tell anyone about me. Sorry." He rubbed his nose nervously, and Tyler noticed he had a nose ring that he'd never seen before.

"Is that new?" Tyler asked.

"What?" Josh looked up and met his eyes, and Tyler blushed.

"Your nose ring." He moved to touch it and show him, but then hesitated, and leaned back uncomfortably.

Josh smirked, noticing his action. "What?"

Tyler reached up and quickly tapped his nose with one finger. Josh giggled, and Tyler's heart soared.

"Yeah, it's new. Been thinking about getting gauges, too, but..." His voice trailed off and he turned to look out at the forest. "The people I know would flip."

"Why?"

"I don't know, just...they just would. Dad's already mad about the nose ring..." And this time, Tyler was sure he saw his friend shiver slightly.

"That's stupid," he said. "It's your decision."

"Yeah, but since I'm not eighteen yet, he says he's in charge." Josh winced slightly as he spoke. "His house, his rules."

Silence fell over the treehouse, but it wasn't uncomfortable or awkward. Tyler could hear the rain and the birds and the wind, and he finally felt calm. Clancy and Nico were quiet, and he felt like he could just relax and not think about anything for a while.

"What should I tell Dr. Ann about you?" he finally asked.

"What do you want to say?" Josh ran his hand through his cotton candy pink hair and absentmindedly tugged the sleeves of his jacket down further over his wrists.

"He's hiding something," Nico muttered.

Tyler glanced at Clancy, but he nodded in agreement. "I can feel it, too," the imaginary boy whispered.

"I'd tell her that you're the nicest person I've ever met," Tyler declared, trying his best to ignore them. He could feel it now, too, and that made him a little nervous. "And I'd tell her that you're the first person to want to hang out with me in probably eight years."

"Really?" Josh asked, frowning. "Man, that's awful."

Tyler shrugged, choosing to leave out the fact that he'd talked with Clancy and Nico, so it wasn't so lonely. "It wasn't too bad. I never really liked the kids in my neighborhood anyway."

"Oh." Josh shifted slightly as he spoke. "What else will you tell her?"

He wanted to say something along the lines of,  _ that I'm not sure if you're real or not and I'm scared you're a coping mechanism,  _ but he couldn't tell him that. "I'd tell her that you're everything everyone else wasn't. That you're the only one who doesn't think I'm a freak."

Josh laughed just a little, but it was confused and almost concerned, like a piano chord he'd found recently. G, B flat, D flat, F. "And why would I think you're a freak?"

"Well, it's not normal to say that the rain tastes like red in April," he said.

"Yeah, but that shouldn't make people think you're a freak."

"Well, it does," Nico grumbled, leaning against the wall and glaring into the trees.

_ And I have two imaginary friends who follow me everywhere and are the only ones I can really talk to.  _ But he couldn't say that, either. He didn't want that to scare him like it scared his parents. "And there's something I haven't told you," Tyler said quietly.

At first, Josh was quiet, and Tyler felt a squeeze of regret in his heart. Now he didn't trust him. He was going to demand what it was. He was going to think he was a freak just like everyone else and get out of there as fast as he could.

Josh didn't do either of those things. Instead, he whispered, "There's something I haven't told you, either."

And instantly, Tyler heard it ring in his head, but he heard it in his own voice.  _ I'm not real. You made me up. _

_ That's not true,  _ he told himself.  _ He could be hiding anything. _

Anything at all.

He didn't need Clancy to give him the possibilities, even though he heard him listing some under his breath. Josh could be a drug addict. He could be a criminal. He could be on the run. He could be a pedophile, making himself look Tyler's age to catch him and do horrible things to him. He could have lied about everything.

_ That's not even realistic!  _ he wanted to scream to himself.  _ Get ahold of yourself! _

But at the same time, that was probably what Josh was thinking about  _ him _ , too.

"Then we're just the same," Tyler whispered.

"Yeah." Josh gave him a sad, underwater sort of smile. Like an old rope swing. "I guess we are."

And this time, the silence was slightly unnerving, and Tyler quickly broke it before too long. "I've been thinking. We could leave letters in the little box under here."

"To anyone?"

"To each other. For when one of us isn't going to be here."

"Oh," Josh said.

Tyler shrugged, but at this point, he was convinced he'd seriously messed up today, and he kept his eyes down in embarrassment. "I just think that'd be fun."

"Yeah. I guess it'd be fun."

Tyler looked up again, noticing his sudden shift, and Josh quickly turned his head, but not before Tyler could catch a glimpse of the tears in his eyes.

"What's wrong?" he asked softly.

"Nothing," Josh said. "Just...nothing."


	19. nineteen - i'm so afraid

"I have to tell you about someone today."

Why did he say that? He didn't want to, not yet. He didn't know what he'd say. This was only his fourth visit. He didn't know if he trusted her enough to tell her about Josh.

"Your other friend?" Dr. Ann asked.

He shook his head and squeezed the green pillow tighter. "No, someone else. My friend, but he's not here right now."

"You better not say anything embarrassing," Nico muttered.

Tyler turned a little to show Dr. Ann that he wasn't talking to her. "I'll try not to."

The therapist's eyes flickered to the door, where Nico was standing. "Which one are you talking to?" she asked. "If you can tell me."

"The other one," he said. It was still weird to talk to his friends while other people were in the room, but it felt better with Dr. Ann, since she didn't treat him like a freak. He was learning to trust her, and trusting someone felt better than keeping everything contained.

"The one you can't tell me about yet."

"Yeah."

"Don't trust her," Nico muttered under his breath.

They fell into a stiff silence. Tyler never liked the silence here. It was an alarm, blaring in his ears constantly even though he couldn't hear anything.

"You were going to tell me about someone else?" Dr. Ann finally prompted.

"Oh." Tyler hugged the pillow closer and stared intently at a piece of carpet that stuck up above the others. "I have to tell you, I think. But I'm scared."

"Why are you scared?" She asked it in a way that sounded analytical - like she wasn't criticizing his fear, even though it sounded stupid when he said it out loud. She wanted to help him figure it out. He liked that.

"I don't know," he said.

"Is it because they threatened you?"

His eyes flickered to Nico. "No."

"They won't like you for telling me?"

"No. He gave me permission to talk to you about him, but I'm still scared."

"Are you scared of how I'll react?"

"Maybe. Or maybe it's because..." His voice trailed off as he thought hard. Analyzing his feelings was difficult. "Because I'm scared of reality."

"And why's that?"

Tyler dropped his voice to barely a whisper, fighting back tears. "I'm terrified he's not real."

Dr. Ann just blinked in surprise. "I think that's a very valid reason to be scared. You said you knew your two friends weren't real - one of them is Clancy, right? How did you figure it out?"

"I knew Clancy was imaginary the moment I created him," Tyler said softly. "I can't remember what it was like back then. I was four or five. I just remember talking to him for hours and I remember my parents' enthusiasm for a while, until they told me I was too old for imaginary friends."

He didn't like this. He didn't like telling her about his problem. He'd bottled it up for so long, he'd thought he might burst, but now that he had the chance to explain it, it got stuck in the neck and he was afraid.

"And Ni - the other one," he said quickly, catching himself before Nico could yell at him. "I thought he was a normal friend who talked to me at practice, but then I brought him home to introduce him to Mom and she...she..." His voice didn't come out. It stayed stuck in his throat. Thankfully, he didn't cry. He didn't want to embarrass himself in front of her. He looked up to where the closet was open just slightly, and saw a bag of suckers. "Can I have a sucker?" he asked suddenly, surprising himself.

She didn't look nearly as surprised as he was. "Sure," she said, standing up and pulling one out of the bag. "Is banana okay?"

"No," he said instantly. "I hate bananas."

She laughed like jingle bells. He couldn't decide if it was pleasant or annoying. "I'll try to remember that. Which ones do you like?"

"Do you have any blue ones?"

"How about cotton candy?"

"Sure," he said, suddenly reminded that he was about to talk about Josh. She handed the sucker to him very carefully, as if she was afraid of brushing hands. He didn't like contact, anyway, so he didn't mind. "Thanks."

"You're welcome."

She smiled as he unwrapped it and stuck it in his mouth, and he wondered if she knew it was an excuse not to talk right away. He thought quietly for a little bit, moving the sucker around in his mouth until he was sure his tongue and teeth were blue, and then he finally gathered the courage to speak. Clancy got up from off of the floor and sat next to him on the couch, almost as if he was trying to comfort him, but it did little to help. Instead, he almost felt more nervous.

"His name's Josh," he finally said. "And he's the nicest person I've ever met."

Why was it suddenly so hard to speak?

He swallowed hard and turned the sucker over in his mouth. "He's the only person to want to hang out with me in probably eight years. We met about a month ago when I was out playing basketball by myself, and at first it was really weird, but then he came back, and eventually we became really good friends. He's the only person who really understands me." Tyler paused, hating how cliché and ridiculous it all sounded. "He has the most beautiful goofy smile, but he doesn't smile very much. His voice sounds like cinnamon hot chocolate and the corners of his eyes crinkle like silver wrapping paper and I wish I could always make him smile because it makes me really happy."

Dr. Ann thought for a moment, tapping her pen on her chin. "He sounds like a very nice boy."

Tyler nodded vigorously. "Oh, he is. He's the nicest person who's ever talked to me. And when he doesn't understand, he doesn't look at me like a freak or get mad at me, he just asks if I can explain different and if I can't, then he just nods and we move on. And if I don't want to tell him something, I just tell him I don't want to and he doesn't push it like everyone else."

"I hope I don't force you into saying anything."

"You do," he said. "Just not as obviously as everyone else."

"I'm very sorry about that. Could you tell me when I push so that I can try not to?" she asked. 

Tyler blinked in surprise. No one had ever respected him like that. They always just denied they were doing anything wrong. "Sure."

"What makes you think he's not real?"

He picked at the fabric on the pillow, and glanced at Clancy. His friend shifted closer to him, and Nico muttered something snide under his breath. "He didn't want me to tell Mom and Dad about him." Tyler rolled the sucker over his tongue in between thoughts. "And both of the boys in here with me don't like it when I talk to my parents about them."

"That's because we're completely unnatural," Nico said. "We make you look like a freak."

"I think you're scared we'll get rid of you," Tyler said without thinking, and Nico made a face, a sort of sneering scowl, his eyes drilling into his soul. Tyler squirmed uncomfortably on the couch, a terrible mushy bean feeling settling in his chest.

"If you got rid of me, you wouldn't last a minute," Nico hissed. "What are you doing here? Trying to help yourself? That's what you tell yourself every time you walk in, but that's not why you're here. You're here because your parents think you're messed up. They think they can cure you when you're not really sick. They think this place is a machine. You shove something in, and it comes back all shiny and new and completely different than what you had before. Let me tell you something, Tyler." He spit his name out like it was the worst curse he could think of, like it was poison in his mouth, and Tyler hated it. He wished he could hide behind the couch like Clancy had. Nico's eyes were as hard as diamonds, and his neck and hands were pools of shadow. He suddenly seemed so much bigger as he loomed over the room. "She can't help you," he snapped, emphasizing each word and jabbing his finger at him. "Your parents are right. You're screwed up in the head. But you're too far gone and there's no way on earth this woman can fix you. You're a goner, Tyler. A lost cause. You're better off never coming back here before they realize you're hopeless. It's time you finally accepted that we are going to be here for the rest of your life, and when you do that, maybe things can go back to normal. Maybe you have a sliver of a chance at leading a normal life."

"Tyler?" Dr. Ann said quietly. Tyler barely heard her.

"You are nothing without me, and you know it." His voice was so cold, and Tyler squeezed his eyes shut and covered his ears. "You are a hollow shell of a person without me and it's time you finally figured that out. Are you even listening to me? Tyler, I am trying to save your life! Get your face out of that stupid pillow and  _ listen to me! _ "

He was screaming now, screaming so loud that it penetrated his heart with sharp needles of ice, and he was so, so scared. He wanted to curl up with his arms over his head and disappear, but he was frozen in place, pinned by Nico's words. A few tears slipped silently down his face, and he couldn't even move to wipe them away.

"Please stop yelling," Clancy whispered from behind the couch.

"You  _ shut up! _ " Nico pointed furiously at him. "What have you done to actually help him? It's your fault he had that migraine. It's your fault we agreed to come here. It's your fault he's so scared of the forest that he has nightmares every night. It's your fault he started talking like a freak. It's your fault he can't find the courage to tell Josh he's not real. And guess what Tyler? Let me say this  _ real slow _ so maybe you can finally understand." He leaned in close until Tyler could feel his breath on his face. He prodded his chest with every word and Tyler shuddered. "Josh. Is. Not. Real."

_ How do you know?  _ he wanted to demand, but he was starting to believe it. He knew it was pointless to argue with Nico, anyway. He always had the last word, and Tyler always felt more miserable afterward.

Nico just have seen something in his face, because he smirked and stepped back. "Now you're getting it. Maybe now you can get your head out of the clouds and face your reality. Learn to ignore him like you ignore us, and maybe he'll go away before it's permanent."

_ But I don't want him to go away.  _ Josh was his best friend. He didn't have lingering feelings of anxiety or misery or emptiness that followed the other two around. He made him happy. How could that be bad?

"Tyler, are you alright?" Dr. Ann's voice sounded distorted, like he was listening to her from underwater. The room was blurry around the edges and another migraine surfaced behind his eyes and in his left temple.

"And even if your parents make you come back and if by some miracle it makes you get rid of Clancy over there..." Nico paused and chuckled slightly. "I'd be the happiest guy on the planet. Come on, Tyler. Let's get out of here."

Tyler didn't move. He could only sit there and stare at the wall by Nico's feet and cry pathetically. He heard Dr. Ann's honey cider voice, but he couldn't understand what she was saying.

Nico narrowed his eyes and wrinkled his nose. "I said,  _ let's go. _ "

Tyler stood up abruptly, his body working without him, and yanked open the door. Dr. Ann didn't say a word. She just watched him go.

His legs carried him to the lobby where his mother was waiting. Nico was close behind him, nearly stepping on his heels as he directed him. 

His mother looked up from her magazine in surprise as he approached her. "Oh, you're done early." Her eyes flickered across his face in confusion and something almost like concern. "What happened?"

"Take me home," Tyler said, his voice shaking. The cotton candy sucker in his mouth seemed to choke him, so he pulled it out and threw it away as hard as he could. 

"Mrs. Joseph, I'd like to talk to you for a minute."

Dr. Ann's voice startled him and he jumped, whirling around. "You said you wouldn't tell her," he said, pointing a shaking finger in accusation.

"I promise I won't tell her what you've said," she assured. "Only what I've noticed."

"I don't want you to talk to her. I want to go home." He hated how everyone was staring at him. The three adults and two teenagers tried to hide it. The two younger kids stared at him with wide eyes. Like they were scared of him.

"We'll only be a minute," his mother said.

"I don't care. Take me home or I'll go myself."

His mother tightened her grip on her purse as if she expected him to steal it from her and take the keys. He didn't want to drive. If she wouldn't take him, he'd walk. She stood up and slowly approached him, like he was a wild animal. He certainly felt like one, trapped in a cage. He thought he could feel a heavy collar around his throat, weighing him down, keeping him chained to her.

"Just sit down for a minute," she said softly.

"No," he said. Now he could feel Nico's hands on his shoulders, his cold fingers digging into his skin. He backed up into the wall and scared himself, his heart racing out of control.

"If you don't want me to talk to her, we can do it another time," Dr. Ann said.

"Come on, Tyler." His mother reached her hand out and touched his shoulder slightly, her fingers brushing over his shirt.

"It's time to go," Nico whispered, his breath tickling his ear.

Tyler reacted instantly. He grabbed her wrist and threw her arm down. "Don't touch me." His voice was hard and broken, and she just blinked in surprise as he shoved past her and marched out the door, the cold wind stinging his face and his tears blurring his vision. He broke into a run, but only got to the end of the parking lot before he collapsed against the stop sign and sobbed into his arms.

Nico sat down next to him and he didn't even have the will to flinch away from him. "It's okay," he said. "You'll get over it soon and everything will be fine. I've been here for years, Tyler. Do you trust me?"

Tyler didn't even trust himself. Nico was right. He was always right. "Yes," he whispered.

"Good," Nico said with a smile. "Let's go home."


	20. twenty - trying to run from you

The November wind was especially cold today. It was as if now that the month had changed, the weather had decided to change as well. Tyler stuffed his hands in his jacket pockets to warm them, only removing them to wipe his face with his sleeve. He stayed staring bitterly at the ground as the tears slipped silently down his cheeks and stung his skin in the wind. He could barely see where he was going, but at this point, he didn't care. He was miles from home, and it would take him hours to get there, but he just decided that he had hours away from his parents and hours to himself. He didn't want to be alone. He wanted to be with Josh.

"Do you have any idea where you're going?" Nico asked beside him.

Tyler didn't answer. He just sniffed and rubbed his nose and continued very deliberately down the street. He reached an intersection and slammed his fist against the crosswalk button. Pain prickled through his hand, but he ignored it.

"Why didn't she come after you?" Nico wondered aloud.

"Because she hates me," Tyler grumbled. "We've been over this." He risked a glance behind him, but he didn't see his mother's car. He didn't see Clancy, either, and that was rather concerning, but he managed to shove the concern in the back of his head and tell himself that he'd be back at home waiting like he always was.

They fell back into silence, and the more Tyler thought about their conversation, the more a deep red black hatred boiled in his chest, not necessarily toward his parents, but toward himself. He hated that he couldn't be a normal person. He hated that he doubted everything at all times. He hated that he was afraid of everyone. He hated that he had uncontrollable outbursts that left him roaming alone in the cold. And he hated that Nico was always right.

They passed a row of trees planted by the sidewalk, and without thinking, Tyler let out a yell of frustration and punched one of the trees as hard as he could. Immediately, his knuckles cracked and pain exploded through his fist. Tears of pain sprung to his eyes and he covered his mouth with his other hand to muffle his whimper. Two of his knuckles were bleeding from the rough bark, and the rest of his hand was scraped up and stinging in the wind, and he knew he'd probably bruised himself pretty badly just by trying to let his anger out.

He sucked on his bleeding knuckle and ignored the tears running down his face, keeping his eyes up just enough to avoid running into anyone. He didn't want to walk home alone, really, but he wasn't sure what he wanted. Maybe he wanted his mother to pull up beside him and apologize and tell him how much she loved him - really tell him, not just repeat the same hollow words she was required to say as a mother. He didn't want to be treated so special, but how was he supposed to tell her that? She'd just tell him she loved him like she always did, and then she'd try to be more subtle with his special treatment. Tyler would give anything to be normal for just one day.

Eventually, his legs grew tired and he stopped at a bus stop to sit down for a few minutes. There was an old couple sitting there, but otherwise, no one else was around. He sat down and cupped his chin in his hand and stared blankly at the street, counting red cars.

"Move over," Nico said. "I want to sit down."

Tyler waited for someone to pass by who looked like they might wait, too, and then he slid a little closer to the old couple. Of course, the person on the street didn't even pause, and Nico sat down next to him with a rather smug expression. The couple exchanged a glance and shifted slightly, and Tyler winced, a needle of hurt slowly digging into his heart. He didn't even do anything and people still thought he was weird.

"Hi," he said, hoping to break the tense silence. However, talking was more uncomfortable than the quiet, and he immediately wished he'd kept his mouth shut.

"Hello," the woman said. The man just grunted to himself.

"Where's the bus going?" he asked.

Instead of answering, she just frowned. "Shouldn't you be in school?"

"No," he said. "I'm homeschooled."

"Then where are your parents?"

"At work. I'm sixteen. I can take care of myself, thanks."

"No respect at all," the man grumbled, just loud enough for him to hear.

"How much is the bus?" Tyler asked.

They both shifted uncomfortably and ignored him.

"Never mind. I don't have any money anyway."

"Come on, let's just go," Nico said.

"I'm looking for someone," Tyler said. "He's got pink hair and a nose ring and the brightest smile you've ever seen. Have you seen him?"

"Are you alright, dear?" the woman asked, noticing his red eyes and tear-streaked face.

"I'm fine. I just need to find him. He's really important to me." He rubbed his face again, but instantly regretted it as he remembered his knuckles were bleeding. They both scooted a little further away from him. He glanced at them and felt a deep stab of guilt, like animal claws tearing him apart. "Never mind," he grumbled, standing up and starting down the street again. Nico followed close behind, and Tyler was sure he could feel his smirk on his back. "Even total strangers think I'm a freak," he said as soon as he was out of earshot.

Nico shrugged. "Most teenagers don't usually start conversations with old people they don't know."

An hour passed. Tyler soon realized that he was terribly lost, and though he recognized the area, he had no idea how to get home. He was cold and lonely and wanted to be home in his bed where no one would bother him. He felt the tears in his eyes, but he didn't want to cry anymore. He felt like a bottle in the ocean, empty and tossing and turning out of control.

"At least that one made sense," he mumbled as Nico complained again.

He started past a gas station by a fast food place, but then looked up and froze. There was a group of boys from the basketball team with some other friends, coming toward him. They hadn't noticed him yet, but it was only a matter of time. He quickly rubbed his face to try and hide the fact that he'd been crying for the past twenty minutes, but it was no use.

"Just run. Get out of here," Nico said.

One of the boys looked up, and for a split second, Tyler thought he saw annoyance flash across his expression, but it was quickly concealed by a smile. "Hey, Tyler! What's up?"

Tyler blinked in surprise as he tried to come up with a response. "East," he said. No one laughed or said anything. They just stared at him. "It was a joke. Like saying the sky, but...never mind." Tyler felt his face flush red and wished he hadn't said anything.

The boy in the lead - Michael, he thought - laughed. "Oh, I get it." Even though he obviously didn't. "Hey, we missed you at the last couple practices. Everything okay?"

"Yeah," Tyler lied. "Sorry about that." He wasn't sorry at all, and wished he didn't have to go to anymore practices.

"You'll be at the game Saturday, though, right?"

"Yeah." Though he wasn't sure.

"Sweet."

And then they fell into a rather uncomfortable silence. No one else in the group made any effort to speak up. One couple actually leaned close together and whispered to each other, as if Tyler couldn't see them.

"I can see you, you know," he said.

"You can't say stuff like that," Nico grumbled.

"See what?" Michael turned around to look.

They both quickly parted, frustrated and embarrassed. Tyler couldn't tell if Michael's glare was because they'd been whispering or because they'd let him see it.

"I should probably go," Tyler said slowly.

"Where?"

"Home."

"You're walking home from here?" Michael asked in surprise.

"Yeah."

"That's like eight miles. Do you want a ride? We can drop you off real quick before we head back to school."

It must have been around twelve thirty. He'd been walking for almost an hour. He almost said yes, but then he saw the expressions on the other kids' faces, and felt that horrible tug in his gut, like he'd swallowed sour milk.

"No thanks," he said quickly.

"You sure?"

One of the boys in the back hit Michael's arm and Tyler cringed.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Alright." He didn't look so sure, but eventually turned and followed his friends across the parking lot. "See you later."

"See you," Tyler said, watching them go.

"That went well," Nico commented.

"I don't need your sarcasm," Tyler grumbled, stuffing his hands in his pockets again. "Come on." His stomach growled loudly, and he winced.

"You haven't eaten anything but that sucker since when, noon yesterday?"

"I don't have any money," he said.

"I know. Are you sure you need to eat?"

"I thought you wanted me to eat."

"Not if you're gonna throw up. Not if you have to walk eight miles home."

Tyler shrugged. He had a point. "How long will it take me to walk eight miles?"

"Probably two or two and a half hours."

He sighed and slumped his shoulders. "Then we'd better get going."

This time, they had only been walking for about fifteen minutes when Tyler heard his mother call his name. He turned in surprise and watched her car pull up to the curb. Half of him wanted to run as fast as he could, and the other half wanted to crawl into her car and cry while she took him home.

"Tyler, Tyler, there you are!" she cried, starting to climb out of the car. "I've been looking all over for you!"

"She's doing it again," Nico said.

"Don't talk to me like that," Tyler said, and she paused in confusion.

"What?" She laughed almost nervously and approached him slowly. "Come on, Tyler, let's go home."

"No. I - I want -" He stumbled into Nico as he backed up. "I don't wanna go if you're gonna talk to me like that."

"Tyler, honey, I don't understand. What am I doing?"

"You have to run," Nico said.

"Don't," Tyler ordered as she came closer. People were looking at them now. He wanted to make them all go away.

"Please, Tyler, don't make a scene." Her voice was so disappointed. She cared more about the people staring at her than her own son, confused and scared right in front of her.

Confused and scared. He didn't know why, but he had no control and felt totally confused. And he was scared of himself. She took one step toward him, and his legs worked without him, and he whirled around and took off without thinking.

"Tyler!" she shouted in panic. "Tyler, come back!"

"She's coming after you," Nico said.

Tyler pushed himself to go faster, but he crashed into a man as he tried to dodge him and fell to the ground, rolling over on the sidewalk. He started to cry again, utterly confused and completely terrified.

"Get up, you crybaby," Nico demanded, jumping from foot to foot. "Come on, come on, she's coming."

"I wanna go home," he wailed as his mother dropped to her knees next to him and gathered him up in her arms. He tried to fight her and break out of her grip, but his arms were jello and his knees hurt where he'd scraped them.

"It's okay," she whispered in his ear, gently rocking side to side with him. "It's okay, baby, I'm here. I'm here."

She rested his head against her heart and ran her fingers through his hair, and slowly, he began to calm down. He didn't know why he'd gotten so worked up all of a sudden, but it was exhausting and he was ready to take a nap. He felt like he was a four year old again, and honestly, he didn't really mind.

"It's okay, Tyler," she said softly. "Let's go home."


	21. twenty one - i'll be back

"Your mom's gonna freak out when she finds out you're gone."

"I don't care." Tyler kept his eyes on the ground to avoid tripping on roots or rocks. Clancy's grip tightened on his arm and sent shivers down his spine, but he didn't pull away. He wasn't quite used to the trek through the forest alone, and even though Clancy's fingers on his arm wasn't the most comforting feeling on the planet, he felt a little safer with him by his side. At least he didn't feel completely alone.

It started to rain a little, and he pulled his hood up over his head, shivering in the cold. The icy drops felt like tear drops down his face. He was so tired of crying. He was tired of making his mother cry, too, but he couldn't stay in there any longer. She treated him like a prisoner now, or a patient at a mental hospital. He couldn't leave the house without her, and he couldn't stay in his room for longer than three hours at a time. It had been two days since the incident at Dr. Ann's, but it was already driving him crazy.

The chain link fence was slippery and ice cold, and he slipped climbing back down and landed on his back. The air squeezed out of his lungs and refused to come back for a solid minute, but then he was alright again and carefully picked himself back up, resuming his journey.

He was still paranoid about the forest, and felt like every sound was someone coming to grab him. At times, he even thought he could feel the breath on his face and the icy fingers on his neck. And now the sky was grey and there wasn't any golden sunshine to combat the pressing fear.

"Can we run?" Clancy whispered.

Tyler nodded, and together, they broke into a run. Nico let out a groan and followed at a half-hearted jog.

There wasn't much of a path, but Tyler could see recent footprints and let his hopes raise. Maybe Josh would be there. He was dying to talk to someone else for a little while.

But just his luck, the treehouse was empty and rather dreary looking. They slowed as they approached it, and Tyler looked up into the branches of the tree with a sigh. "I really hoped he'd be here," he said softly.

"Well, he's not, so let's go," Nico said. "Explore the creek or something."

"No!" Clancy yelped. "What if someone's there? What if we run into that man again? We...we shouldn't be here."

Tyler ignored them and started up the ladder, but then paused by the faded green letterbox. He leaned over and opened the lid, cringing at the horrible squeak. To his surprise, there was a folded piece of paper sitting on top of a spiderweb and a few dead leaves. He pulled it out and climbed up into the treehouse to read it out of the rain. The roof leaked in one corner, so he sat down where Josh usually sat. He could see the ridges where he'd scratched out the f-word, and brushed his fingers across it absentmindedly as he read the paper.

_ 11/1 _

_ If you're here, sorry I can't come today. Have a test today I gotta pass or I'll fail and won't graduate.  _

_ See you later. _

_ \- Josh _

That was two days ago, probably delivered around the same time he'd talked to Dr. Ann. Tyler sighed and folded the note back up, sticking it in his pocket. There was always tomorrow. Besides, if Josh wasn't here, it wasn't worth getting yelled at by his mother. If he left now, he could climb back in through the window and act as if nothing happened.

"Come on," he said, sliding down the rope swing. "Let's get back before it pours."

...

_ Like sweat in a hot tub. _

Something was off. Tyler had snuck out every day for the past week and Josh hadn't been there a single time. Did something happen to him? Was he okay? What if he didn't want to see Tyler anymore?

These questions, as well as sneaking into the forest every day, had put a lot of stress on Tyler's mind, and his body was starting to retaliate with smaller migraines - not bad enough to keep him bedridden, but enough to keep him miserable. His mother was starting to notice, and that made him nervous. He didn't want her to watch him any closer. It was annoying enough as it was. And what was worse - he couldn't take Ibuprofen or Excedrin or his medicine without eating, and eating required him to come down and be in the same room with the rest of his family.

"Can't you just deal with it?" Nico grumbled as he started downstairs as quietly as he could.

"It's only going to get worse if I let it stay," Tyler mumbled, trying to keep his voice down.

His mother looked up the second he stepped into the kitchen. "Hey, Tyler," she said, full of that fake sweetness like chocolate flavored suckers.

"Hi," he said.

"Can I get you anything?"

"No," he said.

"Go away," Nico growled.

"I don't like her anymore," Clancy whimpered, hiding behind him.

Tyler wandered to the pantry and grabbed a box of cereal, glancing behind him even though he already knew she was watching him like a hawk. He collected a bowl, a spoon, and the milk before she finally spoke again.

"Are you hungry?"

"What does it look like?" Nico muttered.

"No," Tyler said, pouring himself a bowl full.

"Oh." She watched him for a minute, baffled, and then shook her head. "Are you going to eat dinner with us tonight?"

"No," he said, spilling some of the milk on the counter. He saw his mother start to get up out of the corner of his eye, but she stayed where she was and he felt an odd sense of satisfaction as he wiped up the spill. Maybe she was finally learning. "Can I go on a walk today?" he asked.

"Sure, let me just finish this email really quick."

"No, I mean by myself."

She hesitated, and the room seemed to hold its breath. Even Clancy didn't move. Tyler didn't like the sudden quiet, so he took a bite of his cereal and crunched it as loud as he could.

"I don't know," she said slowly. "You spend an awful lot of time by yourself, and frankly, I don't think it's healthy."

"It's not healthy to be locked up in my room all day, either."

He watched her reaction very carefully. She refused to meet his eyes. "Yes, but I'm worried..."

"You're worried I'll run away again." He stared right at her, challenging her. He wasn't sure what he was challenging her for, but it felt good to finally speak his mind.

"You were out of control, Tyler," she said very softly. "You weren't yourself. I'd hate for that to happen again."

"I was fine until you showed up." He took another bite of cereal, but it tasted hollow and felt like sand.

"There you go again," she said, gesturing abruptly, and he flinched. "You weren't like this before."

"How do you know what I was like before?" he demanded, his mouth full. He swallowed hard and glared right at her. "You never paid attention to me before. We'd do my school work and then you were done with me for the rest of the day."

"So are you just doing all this for attention?" she accused, and he flinched again.

"No," he mumbled.

They were quiet for a tense moment, and then she sighed softly and ran her hand through her hair. "Tyler, I'm sorry. I hate that every conversation we have ends in arguments and yelling. I try to stay calm, but..."

_ You always get worked up over the smallest things. _

_ Yes, Mom, I know. _

"We need to step back and find a middle ground."

"Uh-huh," he said, choosing to ignore her and crunch on his cereal as obnoxiously as possible.

"Hurry up and get out of here," Nico said.

"Can you help me with that?" she asked.

"I just want to go on a walk, Mom," Tyler said. He finished his cereal and dumped his bowl in the sink. He grabbed the bottle of Excedrin and poured three pills into his hand.

"What are you doing?" she asked. 

"I have a headache."

"Again?"

"Can I please go on a walk?" he practically begged.

She wanted to say no. He could see it in her face. But slowly, hesitantly, she opened her mouth. "Alright, but you have to promise to be back in an hour."

"Two hours?"

"An hour and a half."

"Okay," he said. He ran right past her without giving her a chance to give him more instructions, and raced up the stairs. He pulled on his jacket and shoes and practically flew back down the stairs and out the door. "Bye, Mom," he said over his shoulder. The door closed before he could hear her response.


	22. twenty two - don't be gone

He ran down the street as fast as he could, his two friends trailing behind him. He ignored the throbbing in his head and headed straight for the forest path, and then slowed to a walk once the trees cast shadows over the path. The forest was quiet today, and that made him nervous. There was a little wind, rustling the leaves and branches, and sometimes a bird chirped, but it was cold and quiet, as if the entire forest was holding its breath. Tyler paused and held his breath, too, but he didn't hear anyone behind him. Even his friends were silent.

"I still don't like the forest," Clancy whispered.

"Something's wrong," Tyler said.

"What is it?"

"I don't know. I can just feel it in my gut. Like dead rose bushes. A spidery feeling."

They crossed the bridge and as usual, Tyler hesitated a second before he stepped off of the path, and instantly, the feeling grew worse. It made him regret eating before he left. He shivered and zipped up his jacket, wishing he'd worn his beanie to warm his ears in. Clancy whimpered something about wanting to go home, but Tyler shook his head and pressed on. Something told him that he needed to be here.

When they reached the fence, Tyler noticed a grey lump on the other side, laying on the ground by a long stick. He quickly scaled the fence and dropped down beside it.

It was Josh's beanie. It was damp and dirty, but unmistakably his. No one else came back here. Clancy asked what it was, but Tyler ignored him and broke into a run, questions racing through his mind. Was Josh okay? Was he waiting at the treehouse? Had someone like that man attacked him, kidnapped him, hurt him? What if he was seriously hurt, or even dead? What if he was so traumatized like Tyler that he never came back again?

Again, Tyler slowed when he approached the treehouse and looked up. He couldn't see inside, but he could hear someone sobbing. Had someone else found their secret place? Slowly, he climbed up the wooden ladder and looked in.

"Josh?" he said softly.

Josh jerked up with a yelp, and when his frantic eyes landed on Tyler, he quickly ducked and turned away. "Oh, hey," he mumbled, his voice shaking.

"Are you okay?" Tyler instantly regretted asking, as it was incredibly obvious that he wasn't okay. 

"Yeah. I'm fine. I'm okay. I just -" He cut off with a sharp inhale that shook his whole body.

"Do you want me to leave?" Tyler asked softly.

"No!" Josh said quickly. "No, please stay. I - I just - I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Tyler climbed into the treehouse and scooted toward him. Josh flinched, so he froze and didn't come any closer. "I found your beanie."

"Thanks." But he didn't move to take it, so Tyler folded it awkwardly and set it down between them.

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

"Now you're sounding like your therapist," Nico grumbled.

"Just a minute," Josh said between shuddering breaths. A tree in a hurricane, broken and ready to snap at any moment. He still wouldn't turn his head to face him. When he rubbed his eyes with his arm, his jacket sleeve rolled up just enough to reveal a nasty purple red bruise, and Tyler's eyes widened. He leaned around slowly and saw a horrible purple and green one on his cheekbone, spreading down across his cheek.

"What happened to you?" Tyler asked quietly. He reached out and gently touched his shoulder, and Josh jerked away from him, and then covered his face his with hands.

"I - I'm sorry, I didn't mean - I mean you can -" he stuttered out, and then the crying returned and he could barely speak. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please don't be mad."

"I'm not mad," Tyler said honestly. "Just...surprised, that's all." And confused, and a little hurt.  _ Does he not want me to touch him? _

"I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry."

"It's okay. I'll stay here as long as you want."

"But your mom wants you home in an hour and a half," Clancy reminded.

Tyler didn't care. If Josh needed him, he'd be here, no matter how mad his mother would be when he got back.

Slowly, hesitantly, Josh scooted closer to him, as if he was afraid of how he'd react. Tyler didn't move in case he flinched like that again, but he smiled to let him know it was okay. Josh stopped just as their arms brushed, and Tyler suppressed a shiver the best he could.

"Tyler, I..." Josh hesitated again, tears spilling from his eyes like miniature waterfalls, like he was a juice box that someone squeezed and squeezed and squeezed. He tried to hide it, gritting his teeth and squeezing his eyes shut, but it was no use.

"It's okay to cry," Tyler said.

And Josh did. He sobbed like no one Tyler had ever heard before. He buried his face in his arms and cried and cried and cried. Tyler didn't say anything else. He just waited until he could speak again.

"My brother killed himself early this morning." Josh didn't lift his head, and the words barely came out at all.

Tyler blinked in surprise. Of all the things he'd expected to hear him say, that was not one of them. "Oh, no," he whispered. "Oh, Josh, I'm so sorry."

They were quiet as Josh struggled to catch his breath. "And then Dad - then he -" Josh took five or six short breaths, sobbing in between. "He said it was - it was my fault. It was my fault. Said if - maybe if I'd been better - protected him - noticed - he screamed at me,  _ you were the only - only person he talked to _ \-  _ why couldn't you see?  _ But Tyler, I did see, and he just - he wouldn't listen, he didn't - he didn't believe me when I said - I told him I needed him and now I don't know what to do and now I can't go home or Dad - but Abby and - and Ashley need me. They need me and I - I can't go home."

He'd shifted during his explanation and now clung tightly to Tyler's arm, sobbing into his shoulder. His fingers were ice cold, even through his jacket. He smelled like spearmint and cigarette smoke.

Tyler didn't know what to say. He didn't know if there was anything  _ could _ say.

"Why can't you go home?" he asked, and he instantly regretted it as Josh started to pull away. "I'm sorry. You don't have to answer if you don't want to."

"No, it's okay." Josh slowly pulled his arm out of his jacket, and Tyler caught his breath. His skin was covered in sickly purple and green and red bruises, painted up and down his arm and vanishing under the fabric of his grey t-shirt. The bright colors almost looked unreal.

"Josh, what..." Tyler couldn't breathe. What -  _ who _ had done this to him?

"Dad got high or drunk or something when he found out, and..." Josh pulled his jacket back on and hesitantly leaned against Tyler's shoulder, gripping his arm like his life depended on it. "He was so mad. So mad that he forgot about everything else and took it out on me."

"I'm so sorry," Tyler whispered.

"Just - just promise me something."

"Sure."

Josh buried his face in Tyler's arm, taking him by surprise. "Promise me you'll never leave me alone."

"No guarantees," Nico said from the doorway.

Tyler blinked in confusion, glancing at the imaginary boy. "I'll - I'll try," he said.

Josh looked up at him, tightening his grip on his arm. His coffee eyes were wide and terrified, and still spilling tears. "No, you gotta promise me," he said desperately. "Please, Tyler, please promise me. I can't lose you, too."

The panic and devastation in his voice twisted a thorn of guilt into Tyler's heart. He was afraid that he wouldn't be able to keep that promise, and that made him afraid of himself, too.

"You can't promise that," Nico said, examining his nails and seeming very unfazed by all of this. "Anything could happen to you."

"Anything at all," Clancy muttered, chewing on his thumbnail.

"I promise," Tyler whispered.

Josh gave him the saddest smile he'd ever seen, like blackberries in October. "Thank you." He hesitantly rested against Tyler again, as if he was afraid of the physical contract. "And thank you for being here. I - I just don't know what to do."

"Neither do I," Tyler said honestly.

Josh took a few shaking breaths, and then yawned and shivered. He started to lean over, but then hesitated again and started to release Tyler's arm.

"You can lean on my shoulder if you want," Tyler said.

"That's stupid," Nico said.

But Josh just gave him that ghost of a smile and rested his head against Tyler's shoulder, still struggling to calm his crying. The spearmint cigarette smell was stronger now, lingering in his messy pink curls. Though Tyler hated the smell of cigarettes, this time, somehow, he didn't mind it.

Tyler didn't know how long they sat there together in silence, but Josh eventually fell asleep. Tyler had reason to believe that he hadn't slept the night before. He didn't seem like the kind of guy to get a full night's rest no matter what happened. Tyler didn't mind letting him sleep. He liked the feeling of Josh's breathing on his shoulder and the way his chest rose and fell with every breath. He was calm now, but sometimes a breath shook him for a moment before he relaxed again. Somehow, one of his hands had slipped down his arm and now held on to Tyler's wrist and palm, and Tyler almost wanted to shift it so he could hold his hand, but he didn't. He was afraid of how Josh would react when he woke up.

Soon, Tyler began to drift off as well, and he leaned his head on Josh's, his pink hair tickling his face. He let himself smile a little, even though they were only this close because of a tragedy. As he slowly fell asleep, the same thought repeated over and over in his head.

_ Josh has to be real. This has to be real. I can feel him. I can touch him. He has to be real. _

"You can touch me, too," Nico said.


	23. twenty three - this is not what you thought

He could feel his mother's wrath even before he opened the door. It was about four o'clock - meaning he was about four hours late. He took a deep breath, trying to brace himself, and pushed the door open.

She was standing at the stairs, her hands on her hips, her expression fuming and her eyes sad. She didn't say anything, and that was almost worse. He wanted her to yell at him, to get mad at him, because then maybe he wouldn't feel so special.

"Sorry," he muttered.

"Where were you."

It wasn't a question. It was an order. A statement. A conviction.

"On a walk."

"I tore up the entire neighborhood looking for you."

"Sorry."

"Tyler, I can't trust you if you keep doing this."

"That's fine. I never trusted you anyway."

Clancy grabbed his arm suddenly and he flinched. "You can't say that!" he hissed. "She'll never let you out again!"

"Excuse me?" his mother said.

"Excuse me," he repeated. "I thought you wanted me to be more honest with you."

He wanted to go upstairs. His legs were itching to fly up the steps as fast as they could so he could hide himself in his room. But she was in the way, and the look on her face made him afraid to try and break past.

"Come sit down at the table," she said.

"I don't want to."

"We're going to sit and have a civilized conversation. Then you can go upstairs."

"Can't we do it right here?"

She sighed in frustration through her nose. "Alright, fine. First, you're going to tell me why you were four hours late."

"I lost track of time." Which wasn't exactly true. He had known almost exactly how late he was. But how was he supposed to leave Josh when he needed him so badly?

"What were you doing?"

"I found a place and sat down." Which wasn't exactly a lie. What was the last truthfully honest thing that he'd said to his mother?

"And fell asleep," Nico added, only gnawing at his guilt. "And thought about how much you wanted a boy to kiss you."

"I did not," he hissed instinctively. He'd only wanted to hold hands. He'd been content with Josh leaning on his shoulder.

His mother frowned. "What did you say?"

"My friend was making fun of me." There. That was honest. But it didn't make him feel any better.

She ran her hands through her hair. She did that a lot, he noticed, and that made him feel guilty. "Listen, Tyler. Until you can prove that you'll come home on time, I can't let you go out by yourself again. I was worried sick."

Tyler's heart jumped. But Josh needed him. He needed to at least leave a note or something explaining why he wasn't coming. He couldn't worry Josh even more. "But -"

"No buts. I gave you a chance, and you blew it. I'm sorry." The look on her face told him that she wasn't sorry. It was almost as if she was relieved. Now she had an excuse to watch him closer now. It made his heart thud hard with anxiety.

"But Mom, I -"

"No, Tyler. That's what has to be done until you can earn my trust back."

"But Mom, he needs me!" he begged, but then his eyes went wide and covered his mouth with his hand.

"And now you've gone and blown his trust, too," Nico said. "Two in one day. Nice going."

His mother frowned. "Who?"

"My friend," he said, dropping his eyes to the floor. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and shifted his weight uncomfortably, wishing he hadn't said anything.

"Tyler, are your imaginary friends more important than your responsibilities and your promises?" she asked.

He didn't answer. He wanted to shrink into his jacket and never come out.

She didn't leave it alone. "Answer me, Tyler. Are your imaginary friends more important than your responsibilities and your promises?" she demanded.

"But he's real, Mom," he blurted.

He hated the look of surprise on her face. Shouldn't she be happy for him? But then again, he wasn't even sure if Josh was real or not.

"He is? Who is it?" she asked.

"I can't tell you," he said.

"This isn't helping."

"I promised not to tell you about him. He's scared of you. So I can't tell you."

"Your real friend is scared of me?" Her eyes laughed in his face, and he had the sudden violent urge to claw them out. Claw everyone's eyes out so they'd quit staring at him. "Tyler, that sounds like you made him up. I love you, but this is getting out of hand."

"He's real, Mom!" he insisted. "I swear he is!"

"But you don't know that, do you?" Nico said.

"Tyler, if we're going to have a civilized conversation, you're going to have to calm down."

That was like a slap to the face. He wasn't yelling or screaming or even freaking out. He was defending himself. He was explaining something, expressing his concerns. Now he knew that would never happen again.

"You know what? Fine," he said. "Ground me. I don't care."

"Tyler -"

"You don't believe me when I lie. You don't believe me when I tell the truth. You don't believe me no matter what I say, so there's no point in talking anymore. So fine. Ground me. I don't care." He crossed his arms and glared bitterly at the floor. He'd just sneak out, anyway. "With your stupid rules, I might as well be grounded already."

"Hey, Mom?" Maddy called from the kitchen. "I'm gonna run over to Kyle's for study."

"Alright," his mother called back, as if she hadn't been having a heated discussion with her oldest son.

Maddy walked past him and opened the door. "See you."

"Go make out with your boyfriend or something," Tyler grumbled as she pushed him.

"For the last time, he is not my boyfriend!" Maddy yelled, slamming the door.

"That was uncalled for," his mother said.

"I don't care."

"She's asked us not to bug her about it."

"I don't care."

"You need to respect her."

"I don't care."

"Tyler, you're being extremely disrespectful."

"I don't care."

Her eyes were hard and angry. She was ready to snap, and he didn't think he could take being yelled at. Clancy was already on the verge of tears.

"Go upstairs," she ordered. "And don't come down until you can have a civilized conversation with me."

"Then I'll see you never." He marched past her and started up the stairs, anger and fear and regret building up in him like a volcano or a soda can.

"Excuse me?" She turned around to face him, raising her voice.

"Now you know how I feel when I talk to you," he said over his shoulder. "All I tried to do was tell you what I could, and you just accused me. Trust goes both ways, Mom."

"Don't you walk away from me."

He reached his bedroom and glared down at her through the open door. "You told me to come back down when I could have a civilized conversation. You're not ready."

In his mind, the sound of the door slamming was as loud as a nuclear bomb.


	24. twenty four - i can't believe how much i hate

"I hate them!"

The slam of Dr. Ann's door echoed the sound in his bedroom the night before. The shocked look on the therapist's face almost made Tyler feel more angry. He knew what she was going to ask. He knew what she was going to say.

"I hate them!" he repeated, yanking his beanie off and throwing it on the floor like a child throwing a tantrum. "I hate them, I hate them, I hate them!"

"You hate who?" she asked softly.

"My parents. I hate them." He sat down, but then stood up again and paced in front of the couch. "Especially my mom. She doesn't listen to a word I say. She hears me, but she doesn't listen."

"That would be hard," Dr. Ann mused.

"Sometimes I think she hates me back," Tyler said, digging his hand through his hair as he paced. "But I don't really believe that. I think she loves me. But I think she loves me because she has to."

"What do you mean?"

"She's my mom," he said simply. "She has to love me."

"No, she doesn't."

"What?" Tyler paused and looked at her in confusion.

"She doesn't have to love you," Dr. Ann said.

"Then it's official," Nico said. "She definitely hates you."

"So she actually does hate me?" Tyler asked her. "I thought you were supposed to make me feel better."

Instead, Dr. Ann smiled. "What makes you think she might love you?"

Tyler opened his mouth, ready to answer the question if she had said  _ hate,  _ but then paused and had to think about it. He slowly sat down next to Clancy as he thought, but his hands wouldn't hold still and he picked at his cuticle until it bled. He looked down at his hand and stuck his finger in his mouth to clean off the blood. His hands were still shaking.

"Do you want a bandaid?" she asked.

He nodded, and she gave him one. He put it on and wrapped it tight enough to turn his finger purple. Clancy gripped his arm until it hurt.

She watched him for a moment and then stood up and got something from the closet where he'd seen the suckers last time. When she turned back around, he saw it was a zentangle coloring book and some markers. "Will coloring help your anxiety?"

"How did you know I was anxious?" he asked softly.

"I can see it in your body," she said. "You're tense and shaking, and your knee is almost vibrating. Your eyes keep darting across the floor, and you're still picking at your fingernails."

He hadn't realized he'd been doing half of those things. "Oh," he said. "Yeah, I'd like to color."

She handed him the coloring book and markers and he flipped through the pages until he found one he liked. As soon as he started coloring, he felt more comfortable talking. There wasn't the pressure of making eye contact, and he didn't bounce his knee, since the coloring book was on his lap.

They sat in silence for a long time, but it was a sort of peaceful silence. He wasn't sure how long they didn't speak, but he was about a quarter done with the coloring page when he felt comfortable enough to speak again.

"She tells me she loves me a lot," he said.

"Hollow repetitions," Nico said. "That's all they are."

"Do you think she means it?" Dr. Ann asked.

"Sometimes," he answered truthfully, coloring a flower yellow.

"I like yellow," Clancy mumbled to himself.

"And sometimes she hugs me, but I usually don't like that," Tyler continued, looking for more flowers to color yellow. "She came after me when I ran out of here. It took her an hour to find me, though. Then she hugged me really tight and I felt like a little kid again. I don't know if she just didn't want me to run away again or if she really wanted to hug me. I don't like hugging her. I don't like it when people touch me."

"Except Josh," both Clancy and Nico said.

"Except Josh," Tyler mumbled.

"What's different about Josh?" Dr. Ann asked, and he looked up in surprise. He hadn't thought she'd heard him. People usually didn't pay attention when he mumbled.

"I don't know," he said honestly. "Maybe it's 'cause he needed my protection. We've only ever touched once, when he fell asleep on my arm, and that was because he needed to be protected. I liked that. I liked protecting him. But everyone's so busy trying to protect me that I can't even get out of my house anymore."

"Can you touch your imaginary friends?" She paused for a moment. "Can I say they're imaginary, or does that make you uncomfortable or angry?"

"No, it's okay. I know they're not real." Tyler shifted a little. He actually didn't really like it, but at the same time, he liked that she didn't say it cautiously, like he was a bomb she had to disable. She just stated the fact. "And yeah, I can touch them, but I don't like to. They're really cold all the time. And Clancy grabs my arm a lot and it makes me nervous."

"Cold?"

"Yeah, like...like the Arctic." Then he remembered when Josh had said that it was the Arctic where he came from, and he quickly changed his mind. "No, not the Arctic. More like...snow. Like the really wet snow that soaks into your bones and makes your feet all soggy."

"Eww." Clancy wrinkled his nose.

"Yeah, let go," he said, and Clancy released him with a muttered apology. "He was holding onto me again," he explained to Dr. Ann. 

"Do you think she brought you here because she loves you?" she asked.

"I feel like she's making me go because she doesn't want a freak for a kid."

Nico snorted. "Who would?"

Dr. Ann shifted in her chair very deliberately. "Just because you're different from other people doesn't make you a freak, Tyler."

He paused, realizing she hadn't said his name in a long time. His mother said it all the time, as if reminding herself who she was talking to. He liked that Dr. Ann said it like it was important. She didn't take it lightly. She saved it for special sentences.

"I like when you say my name like that," he said suddenly.

She smiled. "Like it's important?"

He looked up and blinked in surprise. "Yeah. Like it has weight. Because it does. Every sentence has weight and when my mom says my name in every other one, it makes them all really heavy and I don't like it." He shifted his weight and adjusted his grip on the marker, but didn't color with it. "How'd you know?"

"People like you typically don't like to hear their names very often," she said. "Sometimes it's because it's only spoken before they get hurt. Sometimes it's the only way they feel special, and when it's overused, it loses meaning. Sometimes they just don't like their name. But that seems to be a frequent occurrence with people like you."

"But names aren't that special," Tyler said.

"What makes you think so?"

"There's thousands of people named Tyler. There's probably a hundred thousand people with the surname Joseph. And I bet there's a bunch of people with that full name, too, either alive right now or dead. Even our own names aren't special to us. Someone else always has it." Tyler dropped his eyes to stare at the ground again. "No one's special."

"I told you, it's kind of like the place I came from," Clancy whispered. "No one's special and it's good to die. And I'm scared."

"Wait a minute," Tyler said as he thought of something. "You said that there were people like me. I'm not the only one like this?"

Dr. Ann smiled a little, like scones and hot chocolate. "There are people who have similar situations, yes."

"Even people who see imaginary people following them around?"

"Yes, even people like that. There was a famous scientist or mathematician, I can't remember his name, who had two imaginary people who talked to him like normal people would."

"Did they ever go away?"

"I can't remember," she said, but her eyes gave it away. She was lying. The man had lived with them his entire life. He didn't have to ask to see it in his face, and that made it hard to breathe. Would he be stuck with Clancy and Nico his entire life? But at the same time, he wasn't sure he wanted them to leave. At least not Clancy, anyway. He didn't know what he'd be without them. And he certainly didn't want to lose Josh.

"Have you ever treated someone like that?" he asked softly.

She shook her head. "Not until I met you. It's a rare condition, I'll admit, but it has happened. I tell you that so you can know you're not alone in this. A few other people know what it's like, to some extent."

"Do you think I have schizophrenia?"

"No," she said, and Tyler let out a sigh of relief. "At least not the common kind. You see them everywhere, and usually schizophrenics have episodes that are often violent and incoherent, and they're often scared of the people they see, because they believe they are trying to kill them. Do your two friends scare you?"

Tyler didn't answer at first. He just colored some dots red and avoided looking at anyone in the room. "Sometimes the other one gets me thinking. And then my own thoughts scare me. Does that count?"

"What kind of thoughts?" she asked gently.

He could feel Nico's soulless glare on his back as he colored silently. He didn't want to tell her what he'd been thinking. He hadn't told anyone, and though it hadn't been a problem before, now he could see it was getting worse. He didn't want to give his mother another reason to think he was a freak.

He saw Dr. Ann glance at the clock out of the corner of his eye. Their session was almost over. "Do you want to talk about it next time?" she asked.

"I think about the existential a lot," he said quietly. "And I think about how meaningless life is and how nothing matters and how I'm just a tiny ant in the universe and how it doesn't matter if I live or die because no one cares about a single ant."

Dr. Ann was quiet for a moment. And then she turned to the computer on her desk and typed something in, pressed enter, and told him to come look. Hesitantly, he put the coloring book on the couch beside him and stood up to see what was on her computer screen. It was a video of an ant hill, with thousands of ants running up and down and carrying things and fixing the top, and then it switched to a bunch of them carrying a chip toward the ant hill.

"You feel like one of these ants?" she asked.

"Yeah. And if one of those ants suddenly got smashed and died the whole ant hill would keep working and no one would miss him."

"There are hundreds of thousands of people who feel like that," she said. "And imagine if every one of those ants decided to give up like you said. If every ant suddenly got smashed and died. What would happen to the ant hill?"

Tyler watched it closely for a moment. "It wouldn't work very well. No one would be there to do all the jobs that need to be done."

"Exactly," she said. "Every ant has a job, and even if there are a thousand ants doing the same job, every one of them counts, because if one drops out, what's going to stop the rest of them from doing the same? And it's like the stars. You like metaphors and similes, right? It's just like the stars. There are people, astronomers, people who love the stars, and they would notice if one star went out. And the sky would look different. It wouldn't be the same without that one star. It would be a little less bright, and though most people wouldn't notice, those who care would. Do you get what I'm saying?"

"Yes," he whispered. He hadn't realized his eyes had filled with tears until he realized he couldn't see the ant hill video anymore. He turned away and wiped his eyes with his hand before she could see, but he thought she saw it anyway. "Thanks. I'll try to remember that when it gets hard."

"Alright," she said, smiling again, though this time it was sad. "And next time, I'll give you some more tips. Can you last until then?"

"I think so."

"Good. I think you can, too." She stood up with a sigh. "Then I guess our time is up. I'm sorry. I'll see you next week."

"What if I can't do it?" he asked very quietly, pausing at the door.

"Then you'll try again next week. It's okay to try again."

"Okay," he said. "Dr. Ann?"

"Yes?"

Her eyes were so warm and gentle and he resisted the urge to ask for a hug. "I think I trust you now. Like really trust you. Not just because I have to. I think you're my friend."

"I hope that you think we're friends," she said with a smile. "Because I think you're my friend, too."

He started to open the door, but then took a deep breath and turned back around. "You're like peaches and cream and hot chocolate and gingerbread and honey cider and I think that's very nice." Her smile widened, and he felt his face flush in embarrassment. "Sorry, that didn't make any sense," he mumbled.

"I think I get the idea." She kept smiling as she opened the door for him. "And I think that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me."

"Oh," he said, pausing one last time. "I think you're right. I don't think my mom really hates me."

"I don't think she does, either."

And this time, he went out feeling better than he had when he came in.


	25. twenty five - to let you know

"You're not seriously sneaking out again, are you?"

Tyler ignored Clancy's comment and quickly scribbled a note in his notebook, then tore it out and folded it up. He put on his jacket and his shoes, and then pulled his beanie down over his ears. He shoved the note into his pocket and slid the window open, gauging the distance between the tree and the window sill.

"One day you're gonna fall and snap your neck," Clancy said.

"I'm not scared," he said, climbing up and perching on the sill like a bird.

"Your mom's gonna kill you."

"I don't care. This is more important. I have to tell Josh why I can't come out anymore. I don't want him to worry about me."

"But he's always worried," Clancy said. "Haven't you seen his face? He's always worried about you, about everything."

"Not always." Tyler shifted slightly and then jumped down into the tree. The branches scraped against his face and hands and he yelped as he lost his grip and nearly fell. His hands caught the branch just in time.

"Yeah, I bet he's never worried about you," Nico said from the window. "No one ever thinks about you."

"That's not what I meant," Tyler grumbled, sliding down the branch until he could regain his footing on the trunk and shimmy down the tree.

"How are you going to get back up?" Clancy called.

Tyler hadn't thought of that yet. "I'll figure it out when I get there. I'll just jump back in."

"Maybe it's just me," Clancy started, twisting the bottom of his shirt around his finger, "but I feel like maybe jumping from the tree to the window is a bad idea. Just saying."

"Do you have any better ones?" When he didn't answer, Tyler started across the backyard and out into the street. His mom would kill him if she found out he was sneaking out, and if she found out he was sneaking into the forest on top of that, she wouldn't let him out of her sight for the next ten years. But he had to let Josh know what was going on. He couldn't just abandon him, especially after what had happened to his brother. 

Only a few minutes later, his two friends came running up behind him, like they always did. He wished they'd leave him alone for a few hours. He ignored them and continued forward as if he wasn't even aware they were behind him. 

He didn't like the energy of the air that day. It was shattered glass and wilted flowers, and a sort of grey blue tint settled over everything. It was windy and a few rain drops sprinkled from the sky, even though the clouds on the horizon were white instead of grey. It was warmer than it should have been, and Tyler didn't like it. 

The forest was scarier in the wind. The trees swayed back and forth and moaned as their limbs smacked against each other. The bushes rustled in panic and dead leaves swirled down from their branches. He jumped as he thought he saw something running past him, but it was just a shadow, his mind playing tricks on him. He pulled his jacket closer as his eyes darted across the path, and he couldn't help glancing over his shoulder every few minutes. Nobody was watching him. Other than his two imaginary friends, no one was following him. Yet he swore he could hear someone else's footsteps behind him, blowing toward him. 

When he reached the treehouse, the rope was blowing wildly through the air, and nearly hit him in the face as he climbed up to the letterbox to drop his note. He closed the lid and jumped down, and then a stick cracked and he froze.

"Someone's coming," Clancy whispered.

"No one's coming, you idiot," Nico hissed.

Tyler looked up at the letterbox again, and then someone called his name, and he shrieked in surprise. For a second, he thought it was the man's voice, but when he whirled around, he saw it was only Josh, and let himself relax.

"Oh, hey. Hey, Josh." Tyler shifted his weight uncomfortably, embarrassed that he'd jumped liked that.

"Did I scare you?" he asked softly.

"A little," Tyler admitted. "But it's okay. I'm already pretty jumpy."

"Sorry," Josh whispered anyway.

"I'm sorry, but I can't stay very long." Tyler approached him slowly, noticing how he flinched when he stepped on some leaves. "My mom's gonna freak out if she finds out I'm gone. I just came to give you a note. It's in the box." He didn't want to tell him what it said in person, though he wasn't sure why. Maybe he just didn't want to see Josh's reaction. He didn't want to see the anger or disappointment or loneliness.

"I don't want to leave notes anymore," Josh said suddenly.

Tyler blinked in surprise, startled out of his thoughts. "Why not?"

"Because Jordan left me one before..." Josh let his voice trail off and dropped his eyes to the ground, stuffing his hands in his jacket pockets.

"Oh," Tyler said, rather disappointed. "Sorry."

"No, it's okay," he said quickly. "We can keep doing it if you want to."

"Why do you do that?" Tyler suddenly asked.

Josh subtly shifted away from him. "Do what?"

"Whenever you tell me something you want or don't want, you always...take it back. Like you're scared I'll react the wrong way."

"Maybe I am, alright?" Josh suddenly snapped, and then his eyes went wide and he quickly covered his mouth and apologized into his palm over and over.

Tyler blinked again. He didn't know how to respond to that. "Oh," he said.

"Are you mad at me?" Josh asked softly.

"No. I just...didn't expect that. I won't get mad at you for telling me how you feel. Promise." Tyler smiled at him to help him understand.

"Okay." Josh still wouldn't look at him. "I'm sorry, it's just...it's been getting worse, Tyler. I don't know if I can take this anymore."

"What's getting worse?"

"I can't tell you."

"I bet he's some psycho who hallucinates and beats himself up," Nico said from the base of the treehouse. "I mean have you seen those bruises?"

It was true. Josh was still painted with bruises, though most of them were hidden by his jacket and beanie. Tyler thought he could even see a little bit of make-up on his face to cover the one on his cheekbone. But he couldn't let himself believe that Josh was doing it to himself.

"Then who's doing it?" Nico said.

"Let me know if I can do anything for you." Tyler ignored Nico and smiled at Josh again, but this time it was sadder. "You saved me when I was shooting hoops alone, and now I owe you one."

"I'll remember that," Josh said softly. He hesitated for a moment, and then glanced up at him, his coffee eyes concerned and a little afraid. "What's the note say?"

"The note?" Tyler paused for a second to remember. "Oh, the note. Basically my mom is kind of freaked out because she thinks I'm alone too much and she's scared I'll run away again, so she's not letting me out of the house by myself anymore. So I can't see you very often." It hurt more to finally acknowledge it, and the bumblebee feeling in his chest suddenly felt rather gloomy.

Josh's eyes grew very sad. "Okay."

"Of all times, why did she have to freak out now?" Tyler complained. "You need my help. And I'd much rather be out here with you than alone in my room anyway. I'll sneak out whenever I can, but I have to be careful."

"Okay," Josh said again.

Tyler glanced over his shoulder and sighed. "I have to go now. I'm sorry."

"Okay."

He instinctively stepped forward, maybe to give him a hug, because the poor kid looked like he needed one, but Josh flinched violently away, and suddenly the bumblebees were wasps in Tyler's chest, stinging and biting and clotting up his lungs so he couldn't breathe. He dropped his eyes to the ground and backed up, his face flushing red. "I'll see you later, then," he mumbled, and then turned and ran without thinking.

The wasps hurt like fiery poison in his heart, burning through his veins and making him feel incredibly stupid. Why had he thought Josh would want to hug him? Boys didn't hug boys when they left. Did they? Or was he just so caught up in those stupid bumblebees that he saw something that wasn't there? What had he done to push him away like that?

"Of course he wouldn't want to hug you," Nico said beside him, barely breaking a sweat as they ran. "Look how bad you hurt him. Couldn't you see it in his eyes?"

And the worst part was that Tyler  _ could _ see it. He didn't know what he'd done, but it had hurt him. There was no sunshine white Christmas smile. Even his hair was no longer cotton candy. It was the color of skin after something hit it. It was the color of humiliated blush. There was a glint of something in Josh's coffee eyes that told him. It was a shock of lightning, the leap of a frightened rabbit. Whatever Tyler had done, it had  _ scared _ him. And that made him hate himself more with every step he took.


	26. twenty six - sit in silence

"Is something wrong?" his mother asked him during a lesson one day. 

"No," he lied.

"Are you sure?"

"Yep."

But there was a disgusting mushy feeling in his stomach. He couldn't eat, he couldn't sleep, and he couldn't focus. He couldn't even cry. He'd done enough of that alone in the forest that day. 

It had been about a week since he'd talked to Josh, and at this point, he wasn't sure he even wanted to talk with him again - not yet. He didn't know what to say. Was Josh really afraid of him? What had he done to hurt him? Did he even want to see him again? He knew he was probably overthinking it, but he couldn't stop. And it didn't help that Clancy went through the entire conversation every night, with Nico making comments as he went. 

"Tyler, focus please."

Tyler looked up for just a split second before dropping his eyes back down to his paper. He picked up his pencil again, but his hand was shaking and he nearly dropped it again. "Sorry," he mumbled. 

His mother watched him for a minute. "You look a little pale. Are you sick?"

He just shrugged. He didn't want to explain to her that he was sick from anxiety because of an interaction he never should have had in the first place. He didn't want to tell her that he felt like hiding in his room and never talking to Josh - or anyone - ever again. She wouldn't understand. She wouldn't understand how hard it was to fall in love with someone he wasn't even sure was real or not. 

Was he in love? What did love even feel like? Was it supposed to hurt this much? Did it mean he was in love just because he wanted to spend all day with Josh and let him lean on his shoulder and hold his hand and talk about silly things like bumblebees and serious things like Tyler's trips to his therapist? Maybe he was just touch starved and desperate for a friend who didn't make him flinch when they touched. A friend who had cotton candy hair and smelled like spearmint cigarettes. 

His mother leaned forward and rested the back of her hand against his forehead, and he flinched away from her. She ignored him and touched his forehead again, frowning in concern. "You don't feel hot," she said slowly, "but your cheeks are a little flushed. Have you had any water today?"

He shook his head and tried to sink into the back of his chair. He hadn't eaten a full meal in three days, either. He'd just grabbed a handful of cereal or a piece of bread once a day, when he was positive eating wouldn't make him want to die.

She stood up and filled a cup of water for him. "Are you sure you're alright?" she asked as she set it down in front of him. 

"Yeah," he said. He didn't make a move to get a drink. He barely even acknowledged it was there. "Just tired."

"Why don't you go lay down for a few minutes?" she suggested. 

"Okay." He stood up quickly, but the blood rushed from his head and he staggered into the table. His mother caught him as he went down, his vision blurry and his head spinning. He couldn't decide if Nico was smirking at him or not. For a moment, there was two of him, but they quickly merged as his vision corrected itself. 

"Tyler, are you okay?" his mother asked in panic. 

"Just got dizzy," he mumbled as she helped him regain his balance. "I'm fine."

"Do you want me to help you up the stairs?"

"I'm fine."

She wanted to argue. He could see it in her face. But thankfully, she didn't. She just nodded and watched him go, though she was tense and ready to run to him if he fell again.

Climbing the stairs felt like climbing a mountain, and Tyler was exhausted by the time he reached the top. He dragged himself to his room and didn't bother turning on the light as he shut the door and collapsed onto his bed. Lifting his arm felt like lifting ten pounds of bricks through a gelatin wall, so he stayed in his uncomfortable position on his side, staring at the wall. Even Clancy's nervous energy was dampened.

Tyler felt Nico sit on the bed beside him. "So you're just gonna lay here and sulk again?" he said.

"I'm not sulking," Tyler grumbled. "I can't feel anything."

And unfortunately, that was the truth. He could still feel that disgusting tug in his stomach, but it felt numb. His entire body felt numb. Even his thoughts were numb. He didn't feel angry or depressed or anxious or any of that. He just felt empty.

"You can't get so depressed over your stupid crush," Nico said. "That's pathetic."

"I'm not depressed. I don't feel anything."

"Oh, right, you're not depressed." Nico waved his hands around as if to make his point clearer. "You're not completely numbing yourself to emotions. You're not pulling away from every human relationship you've ever had. You're not laying in bed all day doing absolutely nothing but feel bad for yourself. You're not starving yourself. You're not having stress migraines and thinking about how much you want to die every day. You're not going to a freaking therapist once or twice a week. Sorry, my bad. You're not depressed."

"I'm not depressed," Tyler said. "I'm just a freak of nature with side effects."

"Oh, yeah, I forgot about that." Nico laughed under his breath. "So you're one of those. Look at us, figuring stuff out. Team work."

"You're not helping."

"Oh, I know. Just trying to lighten the mood."

"Nice going," Clancy grumbled.

Then Tyler heard a loud thump, and Clancy let out a cry of pain.

"Shut up," Nico said.

"He just hit me," Clancy complained.

"Figure it out yourself," Tyler grumbled, pulling his pillow over his head. "I don't want to hear you anymore."

"Told you," Nico said. "He doesn't want you around."

"I don't want you around either."

"You want us to go away?" Clancy asked softly.

"I want you to leave me alone for like an hour, okay? Is that too much to ask for?"

"Alright, alright. You don't need to get worked up about it," Nico said. "We'll leave you alone for a while, but don't complain when you find out how much you actually need me."

"I don't need you."

Nico snorted in mild amusement. "Yeah, you do. We'll see you later, Tyler."

He heard the door close quietly, and then the room fell silent. The only sound was his breathing and the ringing in his ears, and the sudden lack of sound crushed in on him on all sides. Icy, silent fingers seized his neck and choked the air out of his lungs, strangling his cry for help. The words caught in his throat and burned across his tongue, spilling silently out of his lips like a vapor of smoke. He couldn't breathe. He felt as though his lungs had filled with water, as if he was trapped under a collapsed building. His chest hurt, the silence digging a physical pain in his heart like wolves tearing him to pieces.

Tendrils of silence snaked around him and squeezed until he couldn't move and he could barely see. He gasped for breath and grasped at nothing, his fingers curling around the silence of his freezing sheets. He tried to curl up, but his body felt frozen and numb, like his entire body had fallen asleep, though his mind was wide awake. He wished he was asleep, so he didn't have to think anymore. His mind whirled and whirled on and on and on until he wanted to scream and tear his brain to shreds to block out the thoughts.

_ I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself why can't I be normal I hate myself why can't I be normal I want to die I want to die I hate myself _

He had never felt so alone in his entire life.

"Come back, Nico," he cried silently as numb tears spilled silently down his cheeks.


	27. twenty seven - fire breathe

_ "Are you lost?" _

_ "What's your name?" _

_ "You're Tyler?" _

_ "I'll help you get home." _

_ Don't touch me! _

Cold clammy fingers seized his neck and dragged him off the path, clamping over his mouth as he tried to scream. He kicked and thrashed as hard as he could, earning a foot to his gut and a fist to his face. He bit down on the fingers pressed against his lips and felt his mouth fill with someone else's blood. A scream pierced his ears and shredded his hearing until he couldn't even hear his friend crying his name.

He couldn't see, but he ran. He ran until his lungs were fire, but he couldn't stop. Suddenly, the phrase  _ run for your life  _ had a new very literal meaning. He couldn't see. He couldn't see. It was so, so dark. Someone's hand was in his, and he squeezed it tightly.

_ "Tyler!" _

_ "Tyler, come back!" _

_ "Tyler, you're going to get hurt out there!" _

_ Go away go away go away! _

_ "Tyler, you're alone." _

_ "Tyler, let me help you home." _

_ Let me help you. _

_ Let me help you. _

He hit the floor with a thud and a choked gasp for breath, and found himself staring at the blurry darkness under his bed with tears in his eyes. He tried to sit up, only to discover that he was tangled up in sweaty blankets. He wiped his face with the back of his hand, his sobs shaking his whole body, and slowly untangled himself. This was the fourth night in a row he'd woken up screaming or crying, remembering things that he desperately wanted to forget.

He knew it was because he'd gone back to the forest a few days ago, and only found Josh's pocket knife and his beanie, both stained in mud and buried in leaves and a thin layer of snow. He was absolutely terrified that something had happened to him. He didn't know if someone had found him, or if he had actually scared him away. He couldn't stand the thought of either of them, and it had started to affect how he slept at night. Every night, he found himself back in the forest, running for his life, or trying to catch Josh - the latter was by far the worst. He found himself in place of the man from his nightmares, calling Josh's name, offering to help him come home. He couldn't take it anymore, so he made a decision right then and there.

He wasn't going to sleep. He was going to stay up until he physically couldn't stay awake. Then maybe he'd pass out and escape the nightmares when his body finally crashed.

He climbed to his feet and stumbled, his balance nearly failing him. He shuffled to the door, rubbing his eyes to clear the blurry vision.

"Where're you going?" Clancy mumbled, yawning.

"To the bathroom," he said.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah."

"Liar," Nico hissed, and Tyler flinched.

"I'm fine," he mumbled. He left the room and flipped on the light in the bathroom, squinting in the brightness. When his eyes adjusted, he was met with his reflection staring back at him with empty eyes filled with nothing but tears.

_ Pathetic. _

He turned on the sink and splashed his face with cold water, shivering afterward. How was he going to stay awake? He needed a plan. He'd tried to pull all-nighters before, and he always crashed around four for lack of something to do. It was already about three.

He decided he'd go downstairs and make himself some tea - he wanted coffee, but he knew the smell might make his family suspicious if one of them happened to wake up. Besides, tea had enough caffeine in it, and his mother argued it was better for him, anyway.

What else could he do during these long nights? He thought hard as he sat on a stool by the counter and stirred his tea slowly, but he was already exhausted and had a hard time focusing. He took a sip of tea, wincing as it burnt his lips, and tapped his fingers on the table. He could always talk to Clancy and Nico. But he didn't want to let Nico think he was relying on him. No, he was strong enough to do this by himself.

He had to keep moving, somehow, but that would be difficult, saying as he barely had enough energy to sit up. He forced himself to drink more of his tea, and sighed softly through his nose. He'd just have to train himself to stay awake.

"No offense, Tyler, but I don't think this is the bathroom."

Tyler whirled on his stool, nearly spilling his tea down his pajama shirt. "Nico!" he hissed. "Don't sneak up on me like that!"

Nico just shrugged and pulled up a stool next to him. "Figured you'd want some company. Nights can get pretty long without it."

"What are you talking about?" Tyler gave his tea another stir and drank a little more. His stomach protested, but he ignored it.

Nico rested his elbow on the counter and leaned back. "Well, since you weren't actually in the bathroom, and instead, you're making tea, I figured you're trying to stay awake. To avoid nightmares, yeah?"

"Yeah," Tyler muttered.

This time, Nico just laughed. "You know you'll never escape them, right?"

"The dreams can't haunt me when I'm awake."

"Reality is your nightmare, Tyler. You can't escape that."

"Unless I'm dead."

Nico smiled, nodding in agreement. "Unless you're dead."

After that very unsettling remark, Tyler tried to ignore him, but he could feel himself falling asleep again, and needed someone to talk to. "Where's Clancy?"

"Upstairs sulking."

"What did you do?"

"Nothing. I just told him the truth."

"And what exactly is the truth?"

"That you don't want us around."

"But that's not what you said, is it?" Tyler sipped his tea and cringed as his stomach twisted with nausea. Why did it hurt so much to drink something?

Nico smirked. "You think you know me pretty well, don't you?"

"Well, since I've been around you 24/7 for the past three years, yeah, I think I know you pretty well." Tyler glared at him, hating that he just smirked back. "You told him that I didn't want  _ him  _ around, not both of you."

Nico shrugged. "Fair enough."

"So you lied."

"No, I just chose to leave out a small detail. I didn't say anything that wasn't true."

"Why do you hate him so much?" Tyler demanded, slamming his mug down on the counter.

Nico just rolled his eyes. "Oh, please. You can't say you don't hate him, too, sometimes."

Tyler hated that he was right. Clancy was growing more annoying, especially now that he wouldn't stop talking about his last conversation with Josh. He was always mumbling or humming to himself at night, and clinging to Tyler like his life depended on it during the day.

"He's  _ so annoying _ ," Nico said, drawing the word out for emphasis. "Doesn't it bug you that he's constantly holding on to your arm like some pathetic three year old?" He grabbed Tyler's arm to illustrate, and refused to let go when he tugged away.

"It  _ is _ pretty annoying," Tyler grumbled in agreement, swirling his tea.

"And he's always bringing up things you should have done with Josh, like -" Nico cut off for a second and raised his voice almost an entire octave, imitating Clancy as obnoxiously as possible. "'You should have just told him what you were thinking. No, wait, then he might have thought you were crazy or weird. You never should have snuck out. No, wait, then he'd be even more worried about you. But what if he's not worried at all? What if he never wants to see you again? Oh my gosh, Tyler!'" Nico yanked on his arm again and leaned against him like a toddler. "'Tyler, Nico's scaring me and I don't want to be alone with him anymore so I'm gonna attach myself to you like a parasite and never let go unless it's to freak out at you and cry like a prepubescent seventh grader!'"

Tyler snorted a sort of pity laugh and took a long drink to avoid answering right away. "That was a pretty accurate description," he admitted. "Except for the voice." He chuckled slightly under his breath, blinking the sleep out of his eyes. "It's like a half octave higher."

"Like this?" Nico squeaked out, and Tyler almost choked on his tea as he laughed.

"Yeah, like..." He turned around a little and froze as he saw Clancy standing in the hallway, staring at them. His expression was full of anger, but the hurt was written plainly in his eyes.

"So that's what you think of me?" he said, his voice low.

"Clancy, that's not what I meant," Tyler said quickly, the guilt eating a hole in his chest like acid.

"Then what did you mean, huh?" he demanded, raising his voice and cringing as it cracked. "What did you mean?"

"I..." Tyler's voice trailed off as he struggled for the words.

"That's what I thought." Clancy's glare was stone cold. Tyler had never seen him like this before, and it scared him. "You're a liar. You lie to your parents, you lie to Josh, you lie to Nico, so why was I stupid enough to believe you wouldn't lie to me? You're just like  _ him _ ." He jabbed his finger at Nico, who just raised an eyebrow at him. "And I  _ hate  _ him." He whirled around and stormed back down the hall, leaving them staring after him in disbelief.

"Then why don't you just leave?" Tyler asked, the words slipping out before he could stop them.

Unfortunately, Clancy heard, and he whipped back around. "Because I'm stuck, don't you get it?" he nearly screamed. "You think you're stuck with me? I'm stuck, too, stuck with two monsters who use every second they get to tear me apart! If I could, I'd leave in a second, but I  _ can't _ ,  _ okay _ ?"

And suddenly, it was quiet, and he was upstairs without another word. They sat in silence for a moment, and Tyler hated every second of it.

"Well, that went well," Nico commented.


	28. twenty eight - lying's all i've learned

Clancy refused to talk to him at all that night or the next day. It would have been nice except for the fact that he was still present, and made a show of sulking whenever he caught Tyler looking at him. Frankly, Tyler didn't blame him. He'd heard people make fun of him behind his back before, and it was one of the worst feelings in the world, especially coming from people he thought were his friends. He felt horrible that he'd encouraged Nico, but there was nothing he could do to take it back.

But the fact that he'd called him a monster...

Tyler was starting to believe it. All he ever did was hurt people. He had hurt Clancy when he made fun of him the night before. He hurt his mother wherever he yelled or disobeyed her. He'd hurt Josh somehow, and in response, he'd hurt himself. He was more similar to Nico than he wanted to admit.

Clancy finally spoke to him again that night, almost twenty four hours later. Tyler was laying in his bed, staring at the ceiling with his hands folded on his stomach. He glanced across the room at the corner where Clancy was huddled and sighed. "Clancy, I'm sorry," he said again.

"Quit lying to me."

The fact the he responded at all surprised him, as well as the snap in his voice when he did. "I'm not lying," Tyler insisted, but he knew it was no use.

"Really? How am I supposed to believe that?" Clancy demanded, his voice cracking. He tried to sound angry and tough, but Tyler could tell he was really upset. "You lie to everyone else."

"Not everyone."

"You lie to your family, you lie to Nico, you lie to yourself, your team, your coach - you even lie to Josh. How am I supposed to believe you haven't lied to me this whole time, too?"

Tyler cringed at the truth in his words. He hadn't said a truly honest thing to his parents in weeks. He couldn't remember specifically lying to Josh, but he hadn't told him about his imaginary friends, and they were a huge influence in his mood and personality. Since he was keeping it from Josh, he felt like he was essentially lying to him, too. And he couldn't deny having lied to Clancy sometimes to try and make him feel better, or to get Nico to stop bugging him. Clancy was right. That's all he was. A liar. 

Clancy took his silence as an answer. "That's what I thought," he grumbled, turning his back to them and pulling his knees to his chest. 

Tyler sighed softly and yawned, and then sat up to fight the drowsiness. He couldn't go to sleep, he reminded himself. He climbed out of bed and turned on the light, and Clancy flinched and buried his face in his arms. Tyler could have sworn Nico hissed softly under his breath, but he ignored it. Maybe if he put on his regular clothes instead of his pajamas, he could trick his body into thinking it was day time. 

"What are you doing?" Nico asked as he pulled off his pants. 

"Changing."

"Well, duh, but why?"

"Maybe I won't fall asleep."

"You need a shower," Nico said. "You stink."

"I do not," he protested, but Nico was right. It had been almost a week since he'd last showered. The worse his mind got, the less he took care of himself. 

"Maybe then you'd stay awake," Nico pointed out.

Tyler sighed loudly and then trudged across the room and opened his door. "Fine, but you two have to stay in here."

Nico flashed him a rather frightening grin, like he had been waiting for this moment for a long time. "Will do." His teeth looked especially pointy, as if he was some sort of demon, and Tyler shivered. Clancy shot him a frantic glance, but didn't say anything. 

"And be nice to each other," Tyler added as he stepped out into the dark hallway. He closed the door behind him, but left the light on, and the warm light spilled under the door and lit the hallway just enough for him to see where he was going. Like fireflies, like Christmas Eve, like the ocean floor... 

It grew darker as he left the safety of his room and reached the bathroom. He slowly opened the door, and winced as it creaked. Like old men's bones, like phantom whispers, like Clancy's clinging hands, like a cold sweat, like semi-trucks in the wind. He fumbled for the light switch, his heart racing and his breathing shallow. Finally, his shaking fingers found it and he flipped it on, and just like that, the darkness dispersed. He decided he'd have to keep the lights on from now on. He didn't need Nico to freak him out. His mind did that for him. 

_ This is stupid,  _ he said to himself as he locked the door and met his own gaze in the mirror.  _ You haven't been scared of the dark since you were a little kid.  _

But that wasn't entirely true. Ever since he'd started having nightmares about the forest and that man, he'd been afraid to fall asleep. And now he was afraid of the dark, too, and afraid of himself, and afraid of being alone, and afraid of never talking to Josh again, and yet afraid of seeing him too soon. He knew he was being ridiculous, but no matter how much he tried to convince himself to calm down, he felt completely out of control. 

He didn't like looking at himself anymore. His eyes were already exhausted, and he hated seeing their helpless, hopeless stare. He dropped his gaze and turned on the shower, and then pulled his shirt off and glanced up at the mirror again. He was surprised to see that he'd gotten smaller. His jeans didn't fit around his waist anymore, and when he pulled them out with his finger, there was a good inch and a half of space between his body and the pants. He'd lost a lot of weight without even realizing it. Nico was right. He was starving himself. 

He wasn't trying to. He made sure he ate something everyday. But it was usually a tiny bit of cereal or a piece of bread or two bites of rice at dinnertime. Not nearly enough to fuel his growing body. And every time he tried to eat more, he felt sick and miserable, and had to lay down for a while. 

_ I wonder if Mom even notices.  _

The room had started to fog up, so he finished stripping down and climbed into the shower. The hot water burned, but he didn't adjust it. He just closed his eyes and let himself slowly relax as the water washed the tension away. He had missed feeling relaxed. 

He didn't bother washing himself. He just stood there in the hot water until it started to turn cold, and then he got out. It was another twenty minutes before he even dried off, and then he wrapped the towel around his waist and turned off the light. Immediately, his gut twisted nervously in the dark, and he ran down the hall to his bedroom, nearly losing his towel on the way. He didn't feel any better once he got there, because he could hear Nico talking from behind the door, his voice low and threatening.

Tyler threw open the door as hard as he could, hoping to catch him in the act - and it worked. Nico had Clancy pinned against the wall by his shoulder and his wrist, and was close enough that their faces were nearly touching. Clancy was on the verge of tears, though his eyes were wide and he was too terrified to cry. Nico's expression was twisted into a scowl, and his eyes were full of anger and hate, like black coffee. He glanced at Tyler as he came in, and wrinkled his nose in disgust. "I guess that's one way to make an entrance," he grumbled, releasing Clancy's wrist and shoving him against the wall as he backed away. 

Tyler realized his towel had slipped in his surprise, and quickly pulled it back up around his waist. "What are you doing?" he demanded. 

"Nothing important," Nico said, waving his hand as if to brush it off. "Just a little spat."

"A little spat?" Clancy accused, pointing a shaking finger at him. Nico shot him the nastiest glare Tyler had ever seen, and he seemed to wilt instantly. "Yeah - yeah," he stuttered, pulling his shoulders up and wringing his hands. "Just a little - little misunderstanding."

Tyler frowned in confusion. "But weren't you just -"

"It's nothing," he said quickly. "Really."

Tyler blinked, glancing between them. "What did he tell you?"

Clancy refused to meet his eyes. "I - I don't know what you're talking about."

"I'm not stupid, Clancy. What did he tell you?"

"You look pretty stupid," Nico grumbled. 

"Shut up."

"You're naked, Tyler. I can't take you seriously."

His face turned tomato red, a flush of August sunset. "Fine. I'll get dressed, then you answer." But he knew neither of them would give him what he was looking for. That was just how they were. He pulled on his basketball shorts and a mostly clean tank top, and then faced them again. He had to tie the shorts tighter than usual to keep them up on his waist. "Alright, you tell me what happened," he said.

They didn't say anything. Nico smirked like he knew he'd won, and Clancy still kept his eyes glued to the floor.

"Come on, Clancy," Tyler said. "I only want to help."

"Why does it matter?" Clancy grumbled. "You'll just lie to me again."

And the worst part - he was right.


	29. twenty nine - i'll stay awake

Tyler hadn't realized how much his sleepless nights would affect his health, both physically and emotionally. After only two nights, he felt like a zombie. He refused to sit down, afraid that he'd fall asleep if he relaxed even slightly, and always paced his room back and forth until he started to leave a path of scuffed carpet where he constantly walked. He didn't eat, choosing instead to drink coffee or tea or sometimes an energy drink to keep himself awake. But the worst part was that he was extremely emotionally unstable. He couldn't stop thinking about Josh and how much he must have hurt him. He was upset more often than not. Every little thing set him off or made him cry, and he was sick of it.

"Tyler, it's time for your appointment with Dr. Rothlesberger," his mother called, knocking on his door.

"I don't want to go," he said.

"I'm sorry, but you have to."

"No," he snapped, pacing faster until he nearly fell over at every turn. "I'm not going."

"But she's nice," Clancy mumbled from the corner where he was hiding.

"You usually like your appointments with Dr. Rothlesberger," she said.

"I don't want to go!" He hit the door violently as he passed it, and he heard her jump in surprise.

"Tyler, is something wrong?" she asked, her voice much softer now.

"Nothing's wrong," he insisted - he lied, and his stomach twisted with guilt.

Everything was so wrong.

"Maybe if you'd just listened to me when I said Josh wasn't real -" Nico started.

"Shut up, Nico!" Tyler snapped, jabbing his finger at him.

"Tyler, may I come in?" His mother opened the door just a crack, but he still jumped across the room with a shriek of surprise.

"No! Go away!"

"Please talk to me."

Tyler felt his eyes fill up with tears. He ordered himself to stop, and managed to wipe them away before they spilled. "I don't want to go to Dr. Ann's." He glanced at Clancy and sighed in frustration, rubbing his eyes again. "But fine. I'll go. Then I don't want to talk anymore."

He pulled open the door and she blinked in surprise when she saw him. "Tyler, you look exhausted," she said.

"I know," he said. He passed her without looking up from the floor and nearly tripped down the stairs, barely catching the rail before he fell.

He couldn't remember the drive there or back, or anything that they talked about. He just remembered pinching his arm over and over to keep from drifting off while he was sitting on the couch. Dr. Ann asked him how he had done this week. He just mumbled some sorry excuse for an answer - and a dishonest answer, at that - and pinched his arm hard enough to make himself bleed.

Something about being tired. Nightmares. Josh. No sleep, always angry. Cold. Scared. Never wanting to come out of his room ever again. Disconnected words full of fear.

Nico said something, but he didn't know what it was. He didn't care, anyway. He just wanted to go home.

Why was he so tired after only thirty six hours? Or had it been forty eight? Or just forty? He didn't know how long it had been. He hadn't been sleeping well before, anyway. He should be used to this by now, and yet he felt absolutely miserable.

Before he knew it, he was back home, pacing back and forth until the sun went down, and then his eyes landed on the pocket knife sitting on his windowsill. Josh's knife. His beanie was sitting next to it where he'd put it after he'd found them both in the forest. He hadn't been back to the treehouse since then. Had it been a week, or longer? He couldn't think long enough to figure it out.

He slowly picked up the knife and flipped it open, running the blade under his thumbnail like Josh sometimes did. Where was he now? Was he okay?

"Of course he's not okay," Nico said. "We talk about this all the time. He probably never wants to see you again."

"But what if he does?" Clancy muttered, mostly to himself. "What if he does, and Tyler never goes back?"

"I'm not going back to the forest," Tyler said, rubbing the blade between his forefinger and thumb. Even just remembering his nightmares made his chest tighten until he could barely breathe.

"Of course not. You're a coward." Nico snorted and sat down on the bed. Tyler had never seen him so pale before. He seemed to radiate a sort of darkness, and Tyler shivered.

"No, I'm not," he said, turning away.

"You're lying again," Nico said in a sing-song voice that set his nerves on edge.

"Quit it," Tyler demanded, whirling on him and pointing the knife at him. "Quit talking to me like that."

"Like what?"

"You know exactly what you're doing." Tyler waved the knife around as if to make his point clearer. Clancy ducked behind the bed again.

"Well," Nico said with an apologetic shrug, "nothing else is working. So I have to try something else."

"What are you talking about?"

"You trust me."

"No, I don't."

Nico grinned, flashing those slightly pointed teeth. "Liar."

"I'm telling the truth!" Tyler insisted, but deep down, he knew his gut trusted Nico.

"You trust me. You trust me more than your own parents."

"I trust my mom."

"Liar." Nico turned away casually, examining his fingernails.

"Stop saying that!"

"But Tyler, it's true. I don't think you understand the extent of your dishonesty. You're not even honest with yourself."

"He's got a point," Clancy mumbled.

"Yes, I am!" Tyler could feel his heart racing like a rabbit in his chest. His hands were clammy and shaking, and he felt sick to his stomach.

"Liar."

"Stop calling me that!" He was going to cry again. He could feel it. He fought it as best he could, but a tear or two slipped down his face when he blinked, and he furiously wiped them away. "I'm not a liar and I'm not a coward!"

"Then prove it," Nico said, slowly sauntering closer. Tyler stumbled back, reaching for his desk to steady himself, and Nico smirked. "That right there - you're afraid of me. You're afraid of something you created. You're afraid of something that's not even real."

"I'm not afraid of you," Tyler said, but his voice was shaking and more tears escaped his fighting efforts.  _ Get a hold of yourself!  _ he ordered, but it didn't help. It only made him feel worse.

Nico snorted a laugh. "Oh, please. You're terrified of me. You and Clancy. And on top of that, you're afraid of the dark, you're afraid of death and pain, you're afraid of sleeping, you're afraid of eating, driving, talking, leaving your room - you're a coward."

"I'm not a coward!" Tyler shouted. His grip on Josh's knife tightened until his knuckles turned white. He jabbed it at Nico and narrowed his eyes. "And I'll prove it! I'll prove it right now! I'm not afraid of the dark, and I'm not afraid of pain!"

Clancy slowly looked up over the bed, his eyes wide and terrified. "Tyler, wait -"

"Shut up, Clancy," he snapped. "If anyone's a coward, it's you." He flipped the light off and suppressed a shiver as the room went dark, and then marched back to the middle of the room and rolled up his shirt.

"Tyler, this isn't a good idea -"

"I said shut up, Clancy!"

"Come on," Nico taunted. "Prove it to me. Prove you're not a coward."

Tyler gritted his teeth and squeezed his eyes shut, tears spilling down his face, and then he slashed the knife across his bare stomach, once, twice, three times.

"Tyler!" Clancy screamed.

And then the anger dissolved from his heart, and a cold, seizing fear replaced it. Tyler dropped the knife on the floor with a clatter, his eyes wide in panic. He pressed his hands against his stomach, as if he couldn't quite understand what he had done, but then he felt the blood drip over his fingers and collect in his palm, and the sudden pain was enough to take his breath away.  _ Oh no. _ He dropped to his knees and doubled over, cringing in pain, and started to cry again. "What have I done?" he whispered. "Nico, what have I done?"


	30. thirty - bleeding lines

Most of that night was spent sitting on the edge of the bathtub in a panic. The cuts on his stomach weren't too deep, but they still bled a lot and stung like fire. What would his parents say when they found out?  _ If  _ they found out, he told himself. No one had to know but himself. He knew he'd never do it again. He hoped.

He pressed the washcloth against his stomach and bit his lip to keep from crying out, cringing in pain.  _ What a stupid thing to do, _ he thought bitterly. It hadn't even proved anything. Just that he was as weak and easily manipulated as everyone thought he was. And he was terrified of pain, but now that he'd successfully ignored that fear for a brief moment, he was afraid that he'd do it again and again.

The washcloth didn't seem to be doing anything, so he gave up and washed it out in the sink. The pink and red swirls in the water made him sick. How was he going to hide this? The blood had already soaked through his shirt and he'd left a trail on the floor to the bathroom. He'd clean that up later. Right now, he needed to stop the bleeding and get himself taken care of.

There were gauze pads and bandages in the kitchen, and it was about midnight, so he hoped his parents were at least in their room. He stumbled to the hallway and cringed, tears blurring his vision as the cuts burned worse with every step. It took him almost a full minute to get down the stairs quietly, and he was sweaty and out of breath by the time he made it. The kitchen was dark, but he only dared to turn on the dim light above the sink, in case his parents came down. He dragged a stool over to the stove and climbed up to reach the cabinet above, pulling out the medicine box. Thankfully, there were a few gauze pads and some Neosporin, and a bandage he could wrap around his waist to keep the cuts clean.

He sat down on the stool, pulled off his shirt, and began to bandage himself up, barely able to see what he was doing through the tears. Everything hurt  _ so bad.  _ How could he have been so stupid? How could he have let Nico get him so worked up that he...

He could barely bring himself to even acknowledge what he'd done. He wanted to deny it. He wanted to insist that it was an accident. But he'd meant each slash, each cut.

A gasping sob escaped his mouth, and he quickly buried his face in his shirt to muffle it. He knew they'd all ask.  _ Why'd you do it? Why'd you cut yourself?  _ He didn't even know. He couldn't easily tell anyone that his imaginary friend edged him on and practically dared him to. But that wasn't the whole reason, and he was afraid to think about it any longer.

Once the gauze pads were in place, he wrapped the bandage around his waist and safety-pinned it to make it stay. It seemed to bulge awkwardly, but his shirt was loose enough to hide it when he put it back on. Maybe he'd be okay for a couple days. Once they were scabbed over, he wouldn't need to bandage it, and he could be normal again.

He stole an energy drink from the fridge and slowly trekked back up the stairs to his room, where he turned on the light and closed the door. His exhausted eyes scanned the room drearily, noticing spots of blood on the carpet starting in the middle of the room and leading to the hall. He'd just blame it on a bloody nose and deal with it later.

Clancy's head snapped up as he came in, his eyes wide and absolutely terrified. "Are you okay?" he whispered.

Tyler just shrugged and slumped over at his desk, opening the soda can with a hiss.

"He'll be fine," Nico said. "It wasn't that bad anyway."

"Easy for you to say," Tyler grumbled, cringing with each breath he took. "You're not the one who has to deal with the fact that he just cut his stomach open."

"Oh, come on. Don't exaggerate. They're only little cuts."

"And when Mom finds out, she's going to kill me."

"You have church tomorrow," Clancy said softly. "How are you going to hide it under your dress shirt?"

"I'll be fine."

"Why do you even go to church, anyway?" Nico asked, though it sounded more like an accusation. "You never pay attention."

"Sure I do."

_ It's the one place I can go where people don't call me a freak. It's the one place I can go to hear someone tell me that someone out there loves me just as much as He loves everyone else. _

He needed to feel some of that right now.

"What are you doing?" Nico demanded as Tyler knelt down beside his bed and closed his eyes.

"Be quiet. I'm praying."

"You haven't prayed in a long time," Clancy said.

"Why would God want to listen to you now?" Nico snorted. "Especially after what you just did."

Tyler cringed again as a worm of doubt squirmed into his heart. "I don't know," he whispered.

...

His mother knocked softly on his door. "Are you awake?"

"Yeah," he answered, struggling to pull his church pants on without hurting his stomach too much.

"We're leaving in three minutes. Are you coming?"

"Yeah."

"Oh. That's great. We'll be sure to wait for you."

He wasn't sure why she sounded so surprised. It wasn't that he hadn't wanted to go to church, he'd just been plagued with migraines for the past four Sundays. How convenient.

"Thanks," he mumbled. He struggled to buckle his belt, pulling it tighter than he ever remembered pulling it. He yelped slightly, and had to loosen it again as it rubbed against his stomach. He was afraid to take off his pajama shirt and see in full daylight what he'd done, but he gathered his courage and squeezed his eyes shut as he pulled his shirt over his head. He blindly reached for his dress shirt and fumbled to put it on without looking, and Nico started to laugh.

"What, you can't face it?" he said. "I told you you were a coward."

"Tyler," Clancy whispered. "What if your mom finds out?"

"She won't," he said firmly.

"What if you fall asleep in church and she sees something? What if you bleed through the bandages and stain your shirt?"

"It'll be fine," he insisted, his voice cracking. He knew it wouldn't be fine. He was exhausted and shaking and sick and more anxious than he'd felt in a long time. He could barely button up his shirt and tuck it into his pants, and he could barely walk across his room to the door.

"Ready?" his mother asked when he finally made it downstairs.

He just nodded and rubbed his eyes, yawning.

"Are you alright?"

"Just tired," he said, trying to keep his arms at his sides instead of hugging his stomach protectively.

"Alright," she said slowly, though she didn't sound convinced. "The other kids are already in the car. We'll be a little late, but that's okay. Oh, do you know why there was blood upstairs in the hall?"

His heart nearly burst from his chest and he swallowed hard. "I - I had a - a - a bloody nose last night."

"Oh. But you're alright now?"

He just nodded again and stumbled to the garage with his mother, and climbed into the van with his siblings. They all piled into the back, leaving the seat next to him empty. He was too tired to care. He could hear them arguing, something about Jay wanting to sit by the window and Zack sitting on Maddy's dress, but he didn't listen. He just focused on staying awake and ignoring Clancy and Nico beside him.

When they got to church, he stumbled in beside his mother and leaned against her shoulder when they sat down. The cuts on his stomach stung like hornets, like the burning wasps he'd felt when he'd run away from Josh. He couldn't understand what anyone was saying. His vision was foggy and dull, and everything was muffled. He started to drift off and quickly snapped up, only to slump back over a few minutes later.

"Tyler, are you alright?" his mother asked softly.

"No," he mumbled.

She said something else and Clancy grabbed his hand as he slowly began to lose consciousness. His mother shifted and he fell, and the last thing he remembered was hearing her shout his name in panic. He was out before he even hit the floor.

...

"Come on," his mother murmured, helping him out of the car and into the house. He clung to her arm like a lifeline, dragging his feet as they walked. "Are you sure you're just tired?" she asked.

"Haven't been sleeping," he mumbled, barely able to keep his eyes open.

"Okay, but if this gets worse, I'm taking you to the hospital, okay?"

He just nodded in response and yawned. He couldn't let her take him to the hospital. Then they'd discover the cuts on his stomach and ask questions he couldn't answer. Each gash stung more with every breath, and he gritted his teeth and fought back tears.

She practically carried him up the stairs and to his room, and then pulled out his pajamas. "Do you need help changing?"

"No," he said, but his fingers fumbled with his belt and he couldn't get it unbuckled. He started to cry as he tried again and nearly lost his balance, and then quickly buried his face in his hands. "Yes, Momma," he whispered.

It was humiliating to let his mother undress him, and he felt uncomfortable even before she helped get his pants off. He wanted to do it himself, but he could barely lift his head. He thought it was a miracle he was still awake.

"You can't let her take your shirt off," Clancy whispered. "She'll see  _ them. _ "

"Tyler, honey, why haven't you been sleeping?" his mother asked as she helped him step out of his church pants.

"I'm scared," he mumbled, each breath making him grimace in pain.

She paused for a moment, and didn't say anything as she folded his pants and put them away for him. "Nightmares again?"

Tyler just blinked at the floor and gave her a drowsy nod.

She helped him pull his pajama pants up and then began unbuttoning his shirt for him. "I'm so sorry," she whispered. "I wish there was something I could do."

His heart jumped as she reached the third button. He jerked away from her and started to climb into bed, but she gently pulled him back. "Don't," he said, wiping the tears from his face and trying to button the shirt up again.

"You can't sleep in your church shirt," she said gently.

His pitiful whimpering turned to sobbing even before she saw the bandages. "I'm sorry, Momma, I'm sorry," he cried over and over.

"What are you..." Her voice trailed off, and he knew she'd seen them. "Baby, what happened?" she whispered. She was scared. He was scared, too.

"I don't know." And that was mostly the truth. He wished he had a better answer, but at the same time, a better answer would only bring more hurt.

His mother slowly unpinned the bandage and unwrapped it, exposing the blood-soaked gauze pads and the scabbing cuts. "Tyler..." She couldn't speak, and it made him feel horrible, like rotten potatoes.

"Are you mad at me?" he asked between painful gasping breaths.

"Oh, no, baby, of course not," she whispered. "But please...please don't ever do this again. You're my pride and joy, Tyler. I can't lose you." She pulled him into the softest hug he had ever felt, and for the first time in nearly five years, he felt his mother's love - her true love, not those hollow repetitions. She didn't love him because she was his mother. She loved him because he was her child.

"Momma?" he whispered.

"Yes, baby?"

"I love you."

"I love you, too, Tyler. More than you could ever understand."

And he smiled for the first time in weeks.

"Where's the knife, Tyler?"

"On the floor."

She released their hug and quickly found Josh's pocket knife. She gently ran her finger along the blade, flecks of dried blood falling onto the floor, and Tyler heard her start to cry. "Where did you get this?"

"Josh."

"You can't tell her about him, remember?" Clancy whispered. "He told you not to."

"Josh?" his mother asked.

"My friend." Tyler could barely stay upright, and she caught him as he fell over.

"Alright, but I'm going to take it for a while, okay?"

"Okay."

She helped him clean the cuts again, and determined that they weren't deep and would heal soon. She had to help him change into his pajama shirt, as well, and then she gently laid him down in his bed and tucked him in. Clancy and Nico were silent, and the only thing he could hear was his own heartbeat and his mother's voice as she sang to him.

Slowly, he began to drift off again, peacefully this time. As he closed his eyes and felt his mind give in to sleep, he remembered thinking that that was the first time in years that he had told her he loved her, and truly meant it.


	31. thirty one - make them stop

He wasn't sure how long he slept, but when he woke up, it was dark outside and he could hear his parents talking in the hall outside his door. He could barely make out the words, and the more he focused, the harder his sudden headache pulsed behind his eyes.

"I'm worried about him," his mother said. "It isn't normal to stay awake for days because of nightmares."

"And Dr. Rothlesberger isn't helping?" his father asked.

Nico snorted. "She's making it worse."

"I don't know. We've only been going for a month, and I haven't seen any improvements. In fact, I think he's getting worse."

"That's not her fault, is it?"

"I don't think so, but she encourages him to talk about his imaginary friends. He still sees them, Chris, and now she's talking about them like they're real, too. I don't know what's best for him."

"Has he told you anything?"

"No. He won't talk to anyone. He's isolated himself, and now that he's...he's started self-harming, Chris, I'm scared. I'm scared we're going to lose our son. I don't know what to do."

Worms of guilt dug into Tyler's stomach, right into his cuts. He cringed in pain and closed his eyes, pressing his palm against his head to dull his migraine. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

"And there's someone else now," his mother continued. Tyler could hear her sobbing. "He mentioned someone named Josh today, and he's never mentioned him before. Tyler said he's the one that gave him the knife. What if Josh is another imaginary person who's...who's trying to..."

Tyler knew what she was going to say.  _ What if Josh is another imaginary person who's trying to kill him? _ He was afraid of that, too, to a degree. He was scared Josh wasn't real. He was terrified that the one person he could truly talk to wasn't real. He was terrified that he'd fallen in love with someone who didn't even exist.

"How pathetic," Nico grumbled.

"He doesn't know any better," Clancy said softly.

"I've been trying to tell him this for months. He knows better. He just pretends not to."

_ I can't help it, _ Tyler wanted to say, but he stayed quiet, listening to his parents.

"Dr. Rothlesberger said it isn't schizophrenia?" his father asked. "What about some kind of psychosis?"

"She doesn't know. Nobody knows. I don't know what's wrong with him, and I'm afraid he'll be like this forever, too scared to leave the house or go to sleep, never talking to anyone, never eating or drinking or taking care of himself, stuck with three imaginary boys for his entire life, until he..."

"Until he cuts his life short," his father said quietly. "You say that like it's inevitable. It's not. We'll figure this out, all three of us. He'll be okay."

_ He'll be okay. _

Tyler held on to those words as tight as he could. His father knew he'd be okay. He closed his eyes again and tried to steady his breathing, and even through the pounding in his head, he quickly fell asleep again.

...

His headache didn't get any better with sleep. In fact, it only came back worse. When he woke up again, he could barely think at all, but all he wanted to think about Josh. Imagining his sunshine smile made him forget about the migraine in his head for just a moment and made him feel just a little bit better. He opened his eyes a little, grateful for the dark, and saw Clancy sitting at the foot of his bed, picking at the hem of his shirt.

"Hi," he croaked out, cringing.

Clancy's head snapped up, his eyes wide, but then he let out the breath he'd been holding. "Oh, hey," he muttered.

"Welcome back to the land of the living," Nico said. "Unfortunately."

Tyler squeezed his eyes shut again and tried to relax, but the pain was debilitating, like someone was hammering ice picks into his temples. His stomach churned and he fought the urge to vomit, the cuts burning as his entire body went rigid. "I feel disgusting," he mumbled. He pictured Josh's coffee eyes and sunshine smile as best he could, but he could barely focus on one thing at a time. 

"You're thinking about him again, aren't you?" Nico said.

"So?" he grumbled, still with his eyes shut tight.

"But you haven't done anything about it - any of it. You haven't even told him."

"Told him what?"

"That you think he's not real."

"I can't tell him that."

Nico snorted. "Then tell him you're in love."

"How am I supposed to do that?" Tyler shifted and gasped as a knife of pain carved through his eyes. It hurt to close them, but it hurt to look around, too, so he settled for a drowsy squint. 

Nico rolled his eyes. "Clancy, come here."

Clancy glanced at Tyler and slowly climbed off the bed, rounding the footboard to stand in front of Nico. "What -"

Nico suddenly grabbed his neck with one hand and pushed him up against the wall, and before he knew what was going on, Nico crushed his mouth against his. Clancy's eyes widened, big as saucers, and then he tried to shove Nico away from him, but he didn't budge. He tried to scream out in panic, but his voice was muffled by Nico's mouth.

"Nico, what are you doing?" Tyler hissed. He wanted to raise his voice, but his head thudded worse with every heartbeat. 

Watching them - _ hearing _ them made him sick to his stomach. Nico held Clancy's jaw with one hand, holding him in place as the other hand slowly tugged at the collar of his shirt, and then untucked one side from his pants and slipped up his bare back. Clancy squirmed in his grip, tears spilling down his flushed cheeks, but he couldn't break away. All he could do was helplessly push against Nico's body as the other boy caressed his waist and neck. 

"Nico, stop it," Tyler demanded. His voice cracked in fear, but he ignored it and sat up. His vision flashed red and he pressed his knuckles into his eyes to distract himself from the migraine. He wanted to help him, but he couldn't even get out of bed. 

Clancy glanced at him desperately, pushing against Nico's shoulders with everything he had. Nico shifted slightly, but only tipped his head and kissed him harder. They broke for just a moment, long enough for Clancy to let out a panicked cry, and then Nico smothered his words again, biting his lower lip and letting out a long sigh through his nose. 

Tyler stumbled out of bed, nearly throwing up as he fell to his hands and knees. He couldn't think. He couldn't breathe. "Leave him alone," he whispered. "Leave him alone."

He heard Nico sigh again, and then looked up to see Clancy finally rip away from him and fall onto the bed, sobbing as he scrubbed his mouth furiously with the back of his hand. Nico took a step and Clancy jerked hard enough to fall onto the floor. "Get away from me!" he screamed, scrambling behind Tyler.

Tyler dug his fingernails into his scalp and gritted his teeth. "Don't yell," he whispered. 

"Oh, calm down," Nico said, rolling his eyes again.

_ "Calm down?" _ Clancy shrieked. Nico took another step toward him, and he scooted backwards, jabbing a shaking finger at him. "Don't come near me!" Nico didn't even pause, and Clancy's voice grew more panicked. "Get away! Don't come any closer! I'm - I'm warning you!"

"What are you going to do, slap me?" Nico snorted. "Calm down, I was just giving a demonstration. Besides, you kiss like a dead fish."

"Stop yelling," Tyler begged, tears leaking from his eyes. His whole body shook with each breath, and the gashes on his stomach were on fire. It hurt to cry.

"You're disgusting!" Clancy screamed, pressing himself against the wall.

"Please be quiet." Tyler had to raise his voice to be heard, and white hot fire pokers drove into his skull. 

"A disgusting - disgusting  _ pervert!" _ Clancy was completely hysterical, and could barely get his words out among his screaming. 

"Be quiet!" Tyler begged, slamming his forehead on the floor and staying there, his fingers in tight claws in his hair. "Be quiet!"

"You're hurting Tyler," Nico snapped, finally losing his cool. "Shut up and be considerate for once in your miserable life."

"You just kissed me like there's no tomorrow!" Clancy stood up and balled his hands into tight fists, but Tyler could feel the fear radiating off of him in waves. He was trembling and could barely stand upright.

" _ Please _ be quiet!" Tyler screamed desperately. He was going to die. His headache was going to kill him. 

"Don't ever touch me again! I said don't! Don't - no - stop it!" Clancy threw his fist at Nico out of pure desperation, but the other boy just calmly caught his wrist, grinning maliciously. 

"I can do whatever I want with you," he whispered. 

Clancy's eyes widened again, and the room went silent for a moment as his breath hitched in his throat. He couldn't speak. For the longest moment, Tyler couldn't breathe. 

And then the door burst open and his parents rushed in, and the world around him collapsed into chaos again. 

"Tyler, Tyler, baby, what's wrong?" his mother asked, kneeling down next to him and starting to gather him in her arms.

"Don't touch me!" Tyler and Clancy screamed simultaneously. The dissonance of their two voices made him shudder, and he only sobbed harder. "Get away from me! Get away from me..."

"What's wrong?" his mother asked again, the panic evident in her voice. "Tyler, baby, please tell me what's wrong."

Now, both Tyler and Clancy could only scream out incoherent phrases. Nico stalked Clancy around the room, watching in amusement as the other boy practically leapt over the chair and the bed and darted around them like a rabbit. 

Tyler dug his fingernails into his head until the new pain almost blocked out his migraine. Something sticky and warm collected under his nails and clotted in his hair, but he hardly noticed. He couldn't see anything. He could barely feel his body at all - just the agony. 

"He's bleeding," his father warned. 

His mother forced his arms down, and he tried to fight back, but the agony in his head numbed his entire body as Clancy screamed and screamed and screamed. Or maybe he was screaming. He couldn't tell.

"Tyler, please, talk to me," his mother begged, starting to cry again. He was tired of making her cry. "What's wrong? What's hurting?"

"I'm gonna die," he wailed, jerking away from her and hitting his head against the floor when he couldn't hold himself up. He couldn't even sit up. "I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I just wanna die - make it stop, Momma, make it stop..."

"I know, baby, I know," she whispered in between sobs. "It's a migraine, isn't it?"

"We're out of medicine," his father said. "I'll go get a refill."

"It's too late; they won't refill it without another prescription. We've used all of them already." She held Tyler against her chest, laying his head on her heart and rocking back and forth. "If it's this bad, we have to take him to the hospital."

"I'm not going anywhere with him!" Clancy screamed, jerking a trembling finger at Nico. 

"Calm down, Clancy," Nico demanded. "Can't you see how much you're hurting him?"

"Make them stop," Tyler begged. He dug his nails into his hair again, and then into his arms when his mother pulled his hands down. "Make them stop. Make them stop. Make them leave me alone."

"We will, I promise," she whispered. 

"Mom, what's going on?" Maddy asked from the door, her voice shaking.

"We're going to take Tyler to the hospital," his mother said. 

Tyler felt someone gently lift him out of her arms and carry him out of his room. He squeezed his eyes shut and buried his face in his father's shirt, hiding from the light. Every step jarred him, like a hammer pounding against his skull. They were halfway down the stairs when he threw up, gagging and retching and sobbing. He thought for sure he was going to die. There was no way he could survive this.

He didn't know what was going on, but he exchanged arms again and heard his mother whisper soothing words in his ear as they rode in the car. She gently ran her fingers through his hair and down his back, trying to calm his screaming, and then suddenly he was passed over to his father again and rushed into the hospital. Everything was so bright, and he dug his knuckles into his eyes until he saw orange spots. He couldn't understand what they were saying. He couldn't understand what he was saying, either. All he could hear was his two imaginary friends screaming in his head until he wanted to claw his hair out and dig into his skull and tear his brain to shreds. 

Then they laid him on a bed and stuck a needle in his arm, and slowly, he began to relax as the pain subsided and the screams drowned in drowsy blackness. He blinked slowly, the faces of his parents blurring, and then slipped into unconsciousness. 


	32. thirty two - purely panic

Cold. He was cold. And his whole body hurt. And it smelled weird. Like old people and plastic. No, old people and latex gloves and the grape medicine he used to take as a kid. He didn't like it. 

He slowly blinked his eyes open and yawned, his jaw aching. Everything ached, an all-too-familiar side-effect of his migraine medicine. He let his eyes wander around the room, though his vision was blurry and he couldn't make out any definite details. Everything was whitish but warm, and there was something beeping softly in the corner. And someone was holding his hand. His mother.

"Momma?" he whispered, his voice raspy and shaking.

She shifted slightly as she woke up, and looked up at him with puffy eyes and tear-streaked cheeks. "Tyler," she said in relief. "You're awake. How are you?"

"Sore. Achy. Like over-used picture books."

She laughed slightly, scared and strained, and he frowned.

"It's not funny," he said.

"Of course not," she said quickly. "I'm sorry. I'm just happy you're awake. How's your migraine?"

Tyler thought for a minute. "Gone. I don't know how." He looked around the hospital room and shifted slightly, and then noticed that he had an IV in his right arm. He itched it absentmindedly and sighed. "I don't like it here."

"I know, baby, but we'll go home soon."

"What happened?"

"You had the worst migraine I've ever seen," his mother said softly, rubbing his hand with her thumb, a rather soothing feeling. "You collapsed on the floor and just screamed and screamed." She dropped her voice to a whisper. "I've never been more afraid for you in my life, and I thank God that we were able to get you here as soon as we did."

"Thank you, Momma," he said quietly.

She just gave him a sad smile, kind of like Josh, and squeezed his hand as a doctor came in.

"Hello, Tyler," he said, sitting down in a chair across from his bed. "How do you feel?"

"Better," he admitted. "Can I go home now?"

"Almost. I just need you to fill this out." He handed him two pieces of paper and a clipboard, and Tyler scanned them quickly.

"Mental health survey," he said in a monotone.

"Yes."

"But I'm fine. It's not that bad. I'm sure a ton of people have it worse than me."

His mother squeezed his hand. "Just fill it out, Tyler. And be honest."

If there was anything he wasn't, it was honest. Clancy had so generously pointed that out earlier. He cringed slightly and let his mother help him sit up, resting the clipboard on his lap. He skimmed the questions and answered them rather absentmindedly, circling mostly twos and threes out of the zero-to-three scale. When he was finished, he passed it to the doctor again, who totalled the numbers and frowned in concern.

"Tyler, your score is pretty high," he said. "It sounds pretty severe."

"I'm fine," he said, and he believed it.

His mother glanced frantically at him. "What do you suggest we do? He's already going to therapy once or twice a week."

Therapy. He didn't like how that sounded. He picked at the IV and wrinkled his nose as they talked.

"If it's this bad, I suggest we get him on some medication."

The doctor looked at his mother instead of him, as if he wasn't even in the room. That was irritating. It was his brain, anyway. He thought he should have a say. "I'm okay. I just need more migraine pills," he said, and they both looked at him in surprise.

"Tyler, this is much worse than a migraine," his mother said softly. "It's obvious. I wish I could have realized what was going on. You've been showing symptoms for years. You've even hurt yourself. For heaven's sake, Tyler, stop acting like this is normal!"

"It's normal for me," he said softly.

"Please, Tyler, we're going to help you," she said. "Maybe we should have done this years ago, I don't know, but let us do this now. Please. For me, Tyler, for your father, for your family, for yourself - even for that real friend of yours. He'd miss you, wouldn't he?"

"I'm not going to kill myself, Mom," he said, staring blankly at her.

"How am I supposed to know that?" she whispered.

"Maybe when you get on something, you'll feel the best you've ever felt," the doctor said. "I know plenty of people who didn't realize how bad they felt until they were taking medication."

"I don't want to," he said, shrugging.

"Why not?" his mother asked.

_ Because Nico would kill me if I did. _

"I just don't want to."

And then his mother started sobbing.

"Tyler, I can't take this anymore," she cried, clinging to his hand as if that alone would save him. "I can't live every day terrified that I'll walk into your room and find you gone or - or dead. I couldn't handle it if you disappeared. I can barely handle looking at you knowing that I failed as a mother, since I couldn't see how much you've been suffering all these years. I need you to stay with me, Tyler. I need my son."

And a deep, sickly green guilt settled in his stomach. He shifted his weight and cringed in pain as the cuts on his stomach strained. "It doesn't matter what I say, does it?" he muttered. "You'll just make me take it."

"I want you to understand," she pleaded.

He didn't like hearing her cry, so he said what he knew would make her happy. "Alright, I'll do it," he mumbled.

"Thank you," she whispered. "Thank you."

He didn't feel like responding.

...

His father had gone home to watch the kids while Tyler was unconscious, but he picked them up from the hospital about an hour later. They were silent on the drive home, until his mother asked where he wanted to eat for breakfast. He told her that he wasn't hungry.

When they got home, his siblings were uncomfortably quiet. They all stared at him as he walked in, whispering to each other, and he resisted the urge to get angry. He was too tired.

Suddenly, his house seemed bigger and emptier than he remembered. His parents helped him up the stairs and to his room, his mother asking questions all along the way. Was he still tired? Did he want some water? Was he feeling okay? Would it help if she stayed with him? Did he need anything? He was tired of being pestered and babied. He hated being special. Maybe if they had treated him like a normal kid none of this would have happened. But if none of this would have happened, then he never would have met Josh. Maybe that would have been a good thing. After all, because of Josh, Tyler had more anxiety migraines than ever, and because he'd taken him into the forest, he'd been haunted by nightmares. But then Tyler wouldn't have known what it felt like to truly love someone and always want to be around them. He wouldn't have made that promise those weeks ago to stay alive for him.

_ Great job I'm doing. _

His mother tucked him into bed again and kissed his forehead, and then, with a regretful glance back at him, she and his father left his room, closing the door softly behind them.

"I thought they'd never leave," Nico muttered. "Tell me what happened."

"No," Tyler said.

"Excuse me?"

"No," he repeated, turning to face the wall and gasping in pain.

Something ice cold clamped around his neck and he went completely rigid. "Try again," Nico hissed, his icy breath tickling his ear.

"I don't have to tell you anything," Tyler said, but his voice was shaking and suddenly he was very afraid.

"Look at me."

Tyler stayed where he was.

"Tyler, look at me right now."

Nico's cold fingers tightened on his neck and he cringed, hesitantly turning back over to meet Nico's diamond hard eyes. The deep chocolate brown seemed to have a slight glint of red when they caught the light just right, like mud from bleeding hands.

"Tell me what happened," Nico said through gritted teeth. His neck and hands were formless pools of shadow, but his fingers felt as tangible as ever as they gripped his neck to hold him in place.

"I went to the hospital," Tyler said, his voice shaking. "That's it."

"Elaborate."

"They - they gave me something, morphine or something, I don't know, and - and when I woke up, I filled out a mental health survey." Tyler cringed as Nico's grip tightened. "Let go of me."

Nico just scowled and didn't release him. Tyler could feel his pulse under Nico's fingers, but didn't dare pull away. "What did it say?" Nico demanded.

"Nico -" Clancy started from the corner where he was hiding.

Nico twisted around abruptly and jabbed his free hand at him. "You shut up or I'll kiss you again. Harder."

Clancy flinched at his sharp threat and ducked back down under Tyler's desk.

"You wouldn't," Tyler said. 

"Oh?" A sickly sweet smile spread across his face. "Why don't you run that by me one more time?"

The atmosphere felt frozen, like time had stopped in the middle of a snow storm. Tyler shuddered against his will and Nico laughed.

"That's what I thought. Tell me what your stupid survey thing said."

"The doctor said it was pretty severe," Tyler said quickly.

"What was pretty severe?"

"Depression and anxiety."

"Like that's news or something? It doesn't take a PhD to know you're screwed up." Nico snorted and loosened his grip.

Tyler pushed him away and slowly sat up against the wall. "I'm not screwed up."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Dr. Ann said that it doesn't mean something's wrong -"

Nico burst out laughing. "Seriously? Tyler, your brain doesn't work right. Of course something's wrong! What kind of doctor is she? What else did they tell you at the hospital?"

"They gave me a prescription." Tyler knew the explosion was coming, so he tried to brace himself, but it was nothing against Nico's outrage. Sunglasses against the flash of a nuclear bomb.

"Medication? Are you kidding me?" he nearly screamed, and Tyler flinched and covered his head with his arms. "Now the whole world is gonna know you're screwed up! Guess what, everyone? Tyler's brain is sick and he has to take happy pills to make it work! How pathetic. It's not even that bad. You're taking medicine away from someone who really needs it because you can't handle being away from Josh. That's stupid, Tyler. That's f---ing stupid!"

Tyler tried to shrink into his shoulders, flinching again when Nico swore. "That's not the reason," he tried to say, but Nico just cut him off again.

"Did you know sometimes antidepressants make it worse? Did you know sometimes they make you wanna kill yourself?" Nico demanded, narrowing his eyes as his face twisted into a sneer. "I hope that happens to you, Tyler, because then maybe you'd face your reality instead of trying to hide behind a pill. I hope you know what you're doing to yourself, Tyler, because I'm not going to save you when you finally lose it."

"Do you think I want to take them?" Tyler snapped back. He didn't realize he was crying until he spoke, and he furiously wiped the tears away. "I didn't get a choice. Mom signed the papers and picked the bottle up and she said she'd check to make sure I swallowed them when I took them. I have zero control over my life and I'm sick of it!"

Nico's eyes were completely red now. Crimson red like the blood from his stomach. He stalked toward the bed where Tyler was sitting, and Tyler pressed himself into the wall. When had Nico become so aggressive? "You think you know better than them?" he hissed. "Because now you know exactly how I feel."

Clancy crept up behind him timidly, and took a deep breath. "Don't -"

Before he could even get the second word out, Nico whirled around and slammed his fist into his face. Clancy fell to his hands and knees with a yelp and curled up, his hands against his face.

"I'm sick of hearing you talk!" Nico screamed. "Just shut up! I don't want to hear another word out of you ever again!"

"Nico, knock it off!" Tyler shouted, barely able to see through the tears. He could tell that Clancy's nose was bleeding red onto the floor, and that a shadow he knew was Nico was coming toward him again, but that was it.

There was a knock on the door, and his mother slowly came in. "Tyler, what's wrong?"

"Nico's screaming at me," Tyler cried.

"Now you're crying to your mommy like a pathetic three year old!" Nico snapped. "You're just as bad as he is!" He jabbed his thumb at Clancy, who had staggered to his feet and stumbled to the bed, still cradling his face in his hands.

"No, he's not," Clancy whispered.

"That's  _ it _ ." Nico spun on him and tackled him, pinning him against the bed. "Tyler said I wouldn't, but Tyler's a liar."

"Please don't -" Clancy screamed, but it was no use. Tyler buried his face in his hands and sobbed as Nico forced Clancy to kiss him again and again, groping him in places that made Tyler tingle uncomfortably to think about. Clancy begged him to stop, screaming for help, but Nico only held him tighter, moaning softly as he sucked the blood from Clancy's lower lip.

"Tyler, what's going on?" his mother asked him softly, resting her hand on his shoulder.

He flinched away with a cry of panic, suddenly remembering all the things he heard about in missing persons reports on TV. Things that Nico seemed to enjoy in this moment. That was what that man in the forest was going to do to him. That's what Nico was starting now.

"Get me out of here," he whispered.

His mother nodded and gently took his arm, but he flinched again and took off running out of the room, his heart pounding, his stomach sick with guilt. He couldn't stay there any longer. He couldn't watch them. He couldn't hear them.

"Tyler!" Clancy screamed desperately, his voice cracking in pure panic.

Tyler just squeezed his eyes shut and ran blindly down the stairs and out into the street, praying that he could forget what he'd just witnessed, but it was burned into his mind like a tattoo.


	33. thirty three - constant confrontation

It was snowing lightly as Tyler and his mother walked back home. Tyler kept his hands in the pockets of his sweatpants and kept his eyes on the ground, shivering violently in the cold. His mother wrapped her arm around his shoulders as they walked, and he forced himself to hold still instead of flinch away. She was warm, and he liked that.

She had come after him the moment he'd run from his room, and asked him what he needed. He told her he was afraid, though he didn't say that one of his imaginary friends had assaulted the other multiple times, and he didn't say that he was afraid of the forest and afraid of loving Josh and afraid of Nico in general. And he told her what Nico had said about his medication, and then her eyes grew very sad.

"I hope you don't believe him," she had told him. "Taking medication doesn't mean you're overreacting or dumb or stupid or any of that. It just means you need a little help, and there's nothing wrong with that. If you needed a math tutor, we wouldn't think you were stupid or messed up. We'd just get you the help you needed to succeed. That's all we're doing."

He had just nodded and pretended to understand.

"Are you ready to go inside?" his mother asked as they climbed the step to the porch.

He nodded, even though he was terrified of what he would find when he went back upstairs. The terror rustled like wood chips in his stomach.

The house was warm, but it smelled weird, and he didn't like it. It made his palms sweaty and made him feel like a gas pump, even though it didn't smell like that. He didn't know what it smelled like.

"Do you want to go back upstairs?" his mother asked.

He shook his head wildly. "I can't," he whispered. He slumped over at the table, his hands shaking and both knees bouncing with anxiety.  _ Just think about Josh,  _ he told himself, but when he did, he remembered what Nico had said.  _ How am I supposed to do that?  _ And then he'd kissed Clancy hard. Tyler couldn't get the image out of his mind, but instead of Clancy, it was Josh, and he had to watch Nico kiss his best friend until he couldn't breathe.

_ Josh is okay,  _ he insisted, but he didn't know that.  _ Nico's not gonna hurt him. I'm not gonna hurt him.  _ And yet he had, somehow, and now he might never get a chance to apologize.

"What do you need, Tyler?" his mother asked softly, rubbing his back.

"I - I'm gonna throw up," he stammered.

She helped him to his feet and to the bathroom, but no matter how he tried, he couldn't actually throw up. He just knelt there shivering violently, his heart racing. He knew he was having an anxiety attack, but he didn't know how to stop it. What had Dr. Ann told him to do? He couldn't remember. Deep breaths. Something about grounding. He couldn't think. He couldn't remember. He couldn't - he couldn't -

"I need to see Dr. Ann," he stuttered.

"I'll see if I can get you in sooner," his mother said gently.

"Call - call her or something? Ask her to help -" He finally gagged and threw up in the toilet, coughing and lurching until he physically couldn't move. He wanted to cry, but the tears didn't come. All he could see was Nico hurting Josh over and over again.

"I'll call her right away," his mother said, pulling out her phone.

He vaguely heard her voice as she spoke to his therapist over the phone, but he couldn't understand what they were saying. He couldn't hear anything but his horrible retching and the sound of Nico kissing Clancy. Then she gave him the phone, and he pressed it desperately against his ear, barely able to hold it up.

"Hey, Tyler," Dr. Ann's honey cider voice came over the speaker, and he nearly melted in relief. "What do you need?"

"I - I can't breathe," he whispered. "I - I - I'm shaking and I - I know I'm panicking but I can't- I can't -"

"Tell me one thing you can taste," she said.

"Vomit," he said.

"Two things you can smell."

"Um...um - the toilet water. Mom's - mom's lotion."

"Three things you can hear."

"Your voice. My voice. Mom's shoes on the floor when she moves."

"Good. Four things you can feel. You're doing great, Tyler."

"Anxiety," he said, and then quickly corrected himself. "No. The - the cold floor. Mom's hand on my back. The phone. My pajamas."

"Name five things you can see."

"The toilet. Garbage can. Um - toilet paper. Mom. The sink."

"Five more. We're almost there."

Tyler felt himself start to calm down the more things he listed.  _ Mirror. Pink towel. Cabinet. Dust on the baseboards. Snickers candy wrapper.  _ When he was finished, he could almost see Dr. Ann smiling.

"There. How do you feel now?"

"Better," he admitted.

"Do you think you can make it to your appointment on Wednesday?"

"Yes," he said honestly. Then he glanced down at himself and sighed. "And there's something I gotta tell you when I get there."

"Okay. Are you sure you're okay now?"

"Yes. Thank you."

"Then I'll see you on Wednesday, alright?"

"Okay. See you." He dropped his voice to a whisper. "Love you."

Again, he could almost feel the warmth from her smile. "I love you, too, Tyler. See you later."

Then the line went dead, and he felt alone again.

...

The rest of the day was spent close to his mother. It was about two o'clock, and the other kids were at school, though they'd start coming home soon. Tyler and his mother mostly sat at the table or on the couch, listening to music or reading or watching TV. Tyler didn't pay attention to any of that. He just stared blankly at the wall and tried not to think about anything.

He sat through dinner with his family for the first time in months, but he didn't eat much and didn't say anything. No one talked to him, anyway. His parents shot him worried glances, but they stayed quiet as well. Afterward, his mother made him take his new pill, and his stomach twisted with guilt, like old sneakers and gum stuck to the bottom of a park bench. He pretended to swallow it, hiding it in his cheek instead, but she made him open his mouth so she could check, and it slipped down and she made him swallow.

Though Tyler normally dreaded leaving his room, tonight, he dreaded returning to it. What would he find? What had Nico done? How was he going to stay awake and safe with Nico screaming all the time?

His mother sensed his fear and walked with him to his room, but when Zack and Maddy made fun of him, he told her that he didn't need her help. She let him get ready by himself, though he caught her glancing at him through the bathroom door while he was brushing his teeth.

"I'm okay, Mom," he said to her before he opened his bedroom door, though he knew he was telling a blatant lie. "Goodnight. I love you."

"Goodnight, Tyler," she said, pulling him into a quick hug. "Come get me if you need anything."

He nodded and pulled away, but hesitated as he turned the doorknob. He had to take a deep breath to steady himself, and then glanced over his shoulder at his mother, who was watching him almost nervously. If this was proving that he didn't need her help, then he had to show that he wasn't afraid, even though he was. It was a different kind of lying. No, he thought, it was acting. Acting and lying weren't totally the same thing, were they?

So he took a second deep breath, and entered his room.

There was a lingering sense of darkness in the air, not just the physical absence of light, but the sort of atmosphere around him. Tyler's stomach wrenched with anxiety, and his heart caught in his throat. For some reason, he didn't dare turn on the main light, so he stumbled to his desk and turned on his lamp, filling the room with a dim orange glow.

His eyes were quickly drawn to Clancy's trembling figure. He was curled up on the floor in his usual corner, his back to the room. He flinched when Tyler knelt down behind him, but didn't look up.

"Clancy?" Tyler said softly.

"Why didn't you do something?" he whispered, his voice trembling as much as his body.

"Clancy, I..." Tyler's voice trailed off as he realized he had nothing to say. He felt sick with guilt just by looking at him. Clancy's clothes were disheveled and untucked, and his hair was ruffled wildly and sticking up in all directions. His face was flushed, his eyes were hollow and terrified, and there were deep purple bruises on his neck and shoulders. He was covered in a cold sweat, soaking his messy hair and clothes, and Tyler could see the wet spots under his arms and down his back. "Clancy, I'm sorry," he whispered.

"You're always sorry." Clancy's voice hardened and he narrowed his eyes, still glaring at the wall. "You're always so f---ing sorry."

Tyler flinched and dropped his eyes. "Please don't say that."

"I can say whatever I f---ing want. You have no idea what he did to me."

"Clancy, please, don't say that. I'm sorry -"

"I know you're sorry. Shut up and leave me alone."

Something about him was different. He sounded...older. More mature. As if he'd lost something.

Tyler stood up and quickly turned around to face the bed, where Nico was lounging. His beanie was askew, revealing his sweaty hair, and he had taken his hoodie off and had on a loose black tank top. His pale cheeks were flushed slightly as well, though there was no shame in his eyes. His hands were laced behind his head, and he had a very smug expression on his face.

"What did you do?" Tyler said, his voice low.

"You know what I did." He didn't even look at him. He just stared up at the ceiling and smirked.

Tyler grabbed the collar of his shirt and yanked him forward. "What did you do?" he growled through gritted teeth.

Nico just laughed and shoved him away. "You're surprised? After you watched me make out with him not once, but twice? Tyler, dude, you need to get out more." He leaned on his elbow and tilted his head to look at Clancy. "Hey, Clancy, you still hurting?"

"Don't talk to me," he said, his voice quivering.

"Come on, it's supposed to make you feel better," Nico said with a chuckle.

Tyler glanced between the two of them, blinking in confusion. "I - I don't get it. What did you do?"

"You tell him, Clancy."

"I don't want to talk about it," he mumbled.

"Will someone please tell me what happened?" Tyler demanded.

"Not tonight," Nico said. "Maybe tomorrow, when he doesn't hurt so much."

"So you hurt him. You admit that."

"Yeah, well, I hurt, too, but that's normal."

Tyler blinked again, completely confused. "Clancy?"

"I said, I don't want to talk about it," he mumbled again.

"Hey, Tyler, it's getting late," Nico said. "Shouldn't you be getting to bed?"

"I'm not sleeping tonight," Tyler said.

"Why am I not surprised?"

"You're never surprised," Clancy muttered.

Nico laughed, and the other boy flinched. "Yeah, you're right, for once. I'm never surprised."


	34. thirty four - stay with me

On Tuesday afternoon, a storm picked up, bringing wind and snow. Clancy still wouldn't tell him what happened the night before, and Tyler was once again too tired to do anything.

The wind was especially violent that night. Tyler lay awake in his bed, staring at the ceiling, and tried not to move. The cuts on stomach still stung and itched, and he didn't want to make them worse.

"I don't like the wind," Clancy mumbled to himself. "It's like a scary movie. When the lightning strikes, you'll see a shadow and then you'll be murdered."

"We're not going to be murdered," Tyler grumbled, turning on to his side and cringing in pain.

Just then, something hit the window with a bang. Instantly, they all froze.

"You were saying?" Nico said.

"It was just the tree in the wind," Tyler insisted. "Nothing's -"

The bang on the window came again, harder this time, and his heart nearly stopped. He suddenly couldn't breathe, and the only logical thought in his mind was that the man from the forest had finally found him. He was finally going to take him and finish what he started. All Tyler could picture was Nico kissing Clancy against his will, and he suppressed a shudder. He stayed frozen in his bed, shaking as much as the storm outside. The knock came again, and he almost screamed, slamming his hand over his mouth just in time.

"Who is it?" Nico called, looking out.

"Are you trying to get us killed?" Clancy hissed.

"What else would I be doing?"

"Who is it?" Tyler asked softly.

"I don't know. You'll have to come look."

After only a second, curiosity got the best of him, and he slowly climbed to his feet, his stomach stinging. He joined Nico by the window and looked out, and to his surprise, he was met was terrified coffee eyes and cotton candy hair covered in snow. His eyes widened and he quickly opened the window, ignoring the snow that billowed inside. "Josh!" he called. "What - what are you doing here?"

"Remember when you said you owed me one?" Josh said, his voice shaking. Tyler noticed now that his nose was bleeding, though he tried to hide it with the sleeve of his jacket. He gave him a strained smile, like broccoli.

"You - you need -" Tyler shook his head quickly. "Just a second." He ran to the door and poked his head out into the hallway. The light in his parents' room was on, but the lights were off downstairs. If they were quiet, he could sneak Josh up to his room. He went back to the window and called down to his friend. "Come around the front. My parents are going to bed, so they won't see you."

Josh nodded and ran around the house. Tyler noticed that he was limping.

"You can't do this," Clancy whispered. "What if they find him in your room and - and - what if they think you did - did - you know?"

"Had sex?" Nico said in a monotone.

Clancy blushed furiously, and Tyler glared at them. "We're not going to do anything," he grumbled. "He needs my help. I can't just let him stay out there alone. Besides, I owe him one."

He closed his window and ran down to open the front door to reveal a soaking wet and very scared Josh. "Thank you," he whispered, stumbling into the house. He still had his sleeve up against his nose, and his other arm hugged his waist protectively.

"Come up to the bathroom and we'll get you cleaned up," Tyler said, and Josh just nodded, his eyes hollow and exhausted.

Tyler led him to the bathroom upstairs and shut the door behind them so that no one would see them. He helped Josh rip a wad of toilet paper and press it against his nose to stop the bleeding. His mouth and chin were smeared with blood, and his sleeve was soaked in it. It was bright scarlet against his pale skin. Tyler began to notice other scrapes and bruises and pale pink scars across his face, and his stomach turned cold.

"What happened?" he whispered.

"Dad...kicked me out, I guess," Josh mumbled, his voice shaking and nasally from the paper he had pressed against his nose.

"He can't do that," Tyler protested.

"Try telling him that."

"Do you want some ice?"

"Yes, please."

Tyler left the bathroom and crept downstairs in the dark, turning on the kitchen light once he reached it. He found an ice pack and a towel, and started back upstairs.

"Seriously," Clancy whispered. "This is going to get you in so much trouble."

Tyler ignored him and reached for the bathroom doorknob, but hesitated as he heard crying from inside. He opened the door slowly and saw Josh huddled on the floor by the toilet, his knees to his chest and his face in his arms, crying quietly into his jacket sleeves. He looked up as Tyler came in, and dropped his eyes to the floor. "Pathetic, isn't it?" he muttered. "Here I am crying in someone else's bathroom when all I've ever wanted to do was leave anyway."

"I don't think it's pathetic," Tyler said, handing him the ice pack and watching him cringe as he held it against his nose and eye. "If it was me, I'd probably end up crying on a street corner somewhere."

Josh tried to smile, but it didn't quite come out. "Can I...stay here tonight?"

Tyler frowned, a little taken aback. "Of course. That's why I let you in."

"You just never know," Josh mumbled.

"Come into my room. You can sleep on the bed." Tyler led him out of the bathroom and to the hall closet, and Josh rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably.

"It's okay. You don't need to do that."

"No, I insist. I don't sleep well, anyway. It's fine, I promise." Tyler grabbed a bundle of blankets from the closet and dumped them on his floor, ignoring his imaginary friends' stares as best he could.

"Oh," Josh said, shifting his weight nervously in the doorway.

"Do you want some dry clothes?" Tyler asked.

"No, it's fine," Josh said instinctively, but Tyler shot him a look, and even in the dark, he could see him smile a little. "Actually, that would be great. Thank you."

Tyler dug a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt out of his dresser and handed them to him. "You can even have a pair of underwear if you want."

"I'm definitely okay on that one," Josh said, and Tyler snorted.

"Don't blame you. You can change now. I won't look."

"Thanks."

Tyler spread the blankets out on the floor while Josh changed, and when he turned around again, Josh was folding up his wet clothes in a neat pile by the closet. Tyler remembered his beanie on the window sill, and handed it to him with a smile. "This is yours. I found it in the forest."

"Oh," Josh said in surprise. "Thanks."

"You ready for bed?"

"What, are you going to sing me to sleep or something?" Josh joked.

"If you want," Tyler said, shrugging.

"Then yes, I'm ready." Josh paused by the bed, and then hesitantly pulled the covers back, glancing at Tyler as if for permission again.

"It's okay," Tyler said.

Josh climbed into Tyler's bed, and Tyler laid down on his makeshift bed on the floor. His cuts were stinging again, and he cringed as he sighed softly. What would his mother do if she found them? Would she understand, or would she get mad and leave no time for him to explain? And what was Josh going to do? He couldn't stay here forever, but from the sound of his voice, Tyler didn't think he could go home, either.

"Tyler?" Josh said softly.

"Yeah?"

"I'm scared."

"Of what?"

"That he'll find me here and hurt you, too."

Tyler stood up and walked to the foot of the bed. "Can I come up? If that's alright with you?"

"Please."

He could hear Clancy practically hyperventilating in the corner, but he did his best to ignore him as he climbed into the bed between Josh and the wall. Josh's coffee eyes were almost glowing in the dark, wide and terrified. He was still shivering violently.

"Do you really want me to sing to you? Because I will if you want," Tyler said.

Josh just smiled slightly, the same sad sort of smile he'd given him in the treehouse when Tyler had promised to stay alive for him. The cuts on his stomach suddenly ached with something like heartbreak.

"I'm sorry I haven't been around," Josh said quietly. "And I'm sorry I made you run away from me. I didn't mean it like that. I was just scared."

"I was scared, too," Tyler whispered. "I was scared that I'd hurt you."

"Oh, no, you didn't hurt me," Josh said quickly, and Tyler breathed a sigh of relief. "I just...it was a hard week. It's been a really bad couple of weeks, actually." Josh's voice grew even quieter, and Tyler could barely hear him. "My parents finally got a divorce. I knew it was coming. I've known for a long time, and actually...actually, I was kind of glad. I thought I could finally get away from him, but..." He started to cry again, his whole body shaking like the tree outside his window. "She didn't want me, either," he whispered. "Or at least she didn't fight for me. She got my sisters, and he got me. That was the custody agreement. And she fought for my sisters. She fought for them so hard, but she didn't...she just let him take me. Like splitting a paycheck."

"Josh, I'm so sorry," Tyler whispered.

"See, he's the kind of kid who needs meds," Nico said. "Not you. Your life is relatively easy."

"And now they're moving," Josh said, his voice cracking. "They're moving hours away from here and leaving me with no one to turn to but you, and you said your mom won't let you out of the house, and...and...oh, no..." Josh's breathing grew ragged and frantic, and he couldn't stop crying. He sounded just like Tyler had earlier, when he'd called Dr. Ann. "I - I'm sorry - I can't - I can't -"

"This is going to sound silly, but do it with me, okay?" he said softly. "Tell me one thing you can taste."

"I - I can't -" Josh covered his face with his hands and curled up tighter, muffling his sobs in his arms. "I can't - can't stop..."

"It's okay. Just try."

"B-blood," Josh whimpered. "I can taste blood."

"Two things you can smell."

"Sweat. And - and you. I can smell you. You smell like Tyler, like someone familiar, like...like my best friend."

Tyler smiled to himself. "Three things you can hear."

"Your - your voice. Um - the wind. The heater, I think."

"Four things you can feel."

"You," he said, and Tyler felt him start to relax. "Your breath." He took Tyler's hands and held them up against his chest like a stuffed animal. His hands were clammy. "Your hands. Your warmth. Your kindness." He shifted closer to him and rested his forehead against his. "Thank you."

Quietly, Tyler began to sing, little nursery rhymes and hymns and made-up lyrics, and slowly, very slowly, he felt Josh fall asleep. The cigarette spearmint smell was stronger now, mixed with the slight scent of blood, but that part was easy to ignore. Josh's damp curls tickled Tyler's face and he smiled, closing his eyes and letting his voice trail off into a soft hum. He loved feeling Josh's warm breath on his face and feeling his shoulders rise and fall as he breathed.

Pretty soon, Josh was completely asleep. Tyler stayed up a while longer, relaxing in Josh's presence, and wishing it didn't have to be so devastating to be like this.


	35. thirty five - holding on to you

Tyler woke up slowly, peacefully, and blinked his eyes open dreamily. Warm golden sunlight spilled in through the cracks in the blinds, lighting the room with a soft yellow glow. Josh was still asleep, and he'd nestled his head under Tyler's chin and still held his hand and his wrist against his chest. Tyler had never been this close to anyone but his mother before. There was a beautiful sense of comfort and warmth that came as he lay there next to Josh, feeling his chest rise and fall as he breathed, and letting his fluffy pink hair tickle his face. 

Tyler slowly draped his arm over Josh, careful not to wake him up. He half expected him to flinch, but instead, Josh sighed softly in his sleep and shifted a little closer to him. He was so warm, and Tyler smiled in spite of himself. It was quiet and calm, and even though he could see his two imaginary friends, Clancy was still asleep and Nico was sulking in the corner. 

A few minutes later, Josh shifted slightly as he woke up, and then blinked almost in confusion and started to pull away. "Hi," he said awkwardly. 

"Good morning, sleeping beauty," Tyler said, smiling at him, and Josh blushed a little. 

"Morning."

"Way to be subtle about it," Nico grumbled. 

"About what?" Clancy mumbled, half asleep. 

"His stupid crush."

"Hey, thank you," Josh said softly. "For...everything. All of it."

"Of course," Tyler said. "Anything you need, let me know."

"You're the nicest person I've ever met." His voice cracked and he rubbed his thumb over Tyler's knuckles, and Tyler blushed, too.

"You make me feel like bumblebees," he blurted suddenly. 

"Are you kidding me?" Nico nearly shrieked, and Tyler almost flinched. 

"What does that mean?" Josh asked softly. 

"I like you," he said, the words tumbling out of his mouth like an avalanche. "I like you a lot. But not like - not like romantically, I - I think, more like platonically, like I want to always hold your hand and hug you and let you lean on my shoulder, and - and -"

And Josh started to cry. 

"What - what's wrong?" Tyler whispered. 

"No one's ever told me that before," Josh said, wiping his eyes and starting to laugh through his tears. "I guess I don't know how to take it. So many emotions, I just..." He laughed again, and Tyler giggled, too. "Wow, this is embarrassing."

"It's okay," Tyler said, but he was waiting for Josh to tell him that he liked him back, but he had a sinking feeling that he wouldn't get yes for an answer. 

There suddenly came a knock at the door, and they both froze. Josh immediately went rigid and tightened his grip on Tyler's hand.

"Tyler?" his mother called. "Are you awake?"

"Yeah," he answered, trying his best to sound like he just woke up.

"It's time for your appointment with Dr. Rothlesberger." The doorknob twisted, and his heart jumped. Josh flinched and tried to sink into his shoulders. 

"Don't come in!" Tyler shrieked in panic, and Josh flinched again. "I'm - I'm naked!"

"No, you're not," Clancy grumbled. 

"Bet he wishes he was," Nico muttered under his breath. 

"Nico!" Clancy's face turned tomato red, and so did Tyler's. 

"Well, hurry, please," his mother said. "We don't want to be late."

"Do you want to come with me?" Tyler asked Josh. "Dr. Ann is really nice. You'll like her."

He quickly shook his head. "I don't want anyone to see me like this."

And then Tyler noticed the massive bruise across his face, purple and red and swollen, making him squint one of his eyes more than normal. His face and arms were painted with fresh bruises, and Tyler wondered briefly why he hadn't noticed before. 

"Okay," he said, starting to pull the covers back. "You can stay here if you want. No one will come in. I'll be back probably in an hour and a half."

"Thanks," Josh said, smiling, but Tyler could see the fear in his eyes.

Without thinking, Tyler leaned forward and kissed his forehead, gently and quietly, like his mother did was he was scared. Instantly, Nico shrieked something, and Tyler jerked back, realizing what he'd just done. Josh's eyes were wide in surprise. "S-sorry," Tyler stuttered. "I just - um - sorry -"

"Do that again," he whispered, and Tyler paused. 

"What?"

"Do that again," Josh repeated, his wide coffee eyes filled with complete awe. 

So Tyler cupped his face in his hands and kissed his forehead again, and Josh closed his eyes as a bright smile spread across his face. 

"Thank you," he said. "No one's...no one's ever done that before. It makes me feel..." He paused to think as they both sat up. "Like bumblebees," he declared, grinning at him like a proud child. 

Tyler blushed. "But only platonically, right?"

Josh shrugged. "I think so, but I don't know. I've never felt like this before." They both climbed out of Tyler's bed, and Josh fixed his beanie over his cotton candy hair. "Like, I don't want to have sex with you, if that's what you mean." He blinked in surprise, mostly at himself, and quickly corrected himself. "That escalated quickly, sorry."

"No, that's what I mean, too," Tyler said, feeling something almost like relief. "I love you so much, but not because I just want to kiss you or anything. I just want to always be around you and make you laugh and smile and hug you and be here for you when you're sad."

"Can I hug you now?" Josh asked. 

"Of course." 

Josh hugged him tightly, his arms around his waist and his face buried in his neck. He still smelled like spearmint cigarettes - he smelled like Josh. He was so warm, and his arms were so tight, like he was never going to let go. Tyler didn't think he'd ever smiled so big in his entire life.

...

"You had something you wanted to tell me," Dr. Ann said a few minutes after he'd sat down. 

Instantly, the good feeling vanished and Tyler shifted on the couch. "Oh," he said. "Um..." The cuts itched again as if he'd reminded them that they were supposed to hurt. "I...I got on some medication," he said slowly, cringing as though she knew that wasn't what he was going to say.

"Oh," she said, starting to smile. "Tyler, that's great."

He blinked in surprise. "It - it is?"

"Yes!" She grinned at him. "I was actually going to talk to your parents about that. I'm glad you got on something."

"You..." Tyler rubbed his wrist nervously. "You don't think I'm messed up or anything?"

"No, of course not!" The look in her eyes told him that she was telling the truth. She saw his doubting expression, and she shifted deliberately and folded her hands over her clipboard. "People who don't need medication rely on the chemicals the brain releases just as much as you do, but your brain doesn't release it right, so you need your medication to get you to the normal levels. So don't think that you're hiding behind your medication or that you're relying too much on this. This is pretty normal, Tyler. A lot of people have to take medication. You're not crazy or messed up. You're perfectly normal."

"I'm...I'm normal?" Tyler said, and then smiled a little. "Are you sure?"

"Yes," she said.

Tyler kept his eyes on the ground, but he couldn't keep from smiling. "Thank you."

"Is there anything else you needed to tell me?" she said.

"No," he said, and the cuts on his stomach tingled.


	36. thirty six - the run and go

"Run away with me," Josh said, grasping Tyler's hand.

Tyler looked up from his desk and blinked in surprise. "What?"

"Run away with me," Josh repeated. "Please. You said your mom won't let you out of here and that you couldn't stand it anymore. So run away with me."

"I..." Tyler looked around the room nervously, purposefully avoiding looking at Clancy and Nico. "I don't know. How...how are we going to survive? Where are we going to go?"

"We'll take the bus somewhere far away and figure it out from there." Josh's eyes were pleading. "Please, Tyler, I can't go alone. You wouldn't have to fight your parents. You would have a chance to start over and make new friends who don't think you're weird. Just...I just can't do this alone."

"You can't do this, Tyler," Clancy said.

"Why not?" Nico said. "Then he can do whatever he want. His parents won't be there to hold him back."

"They're not holding him back, Nico. They're watching out for him. They're the only people who truly care."

"They lie to him just as much as he lies to you."

"At least -"

"Stop it," Tyler muttered.

Josh recoiled slightly. "What?"

"Not you," Tyler said quickly, realizing his mistake. "Um...just...my thoughts. They're...scaring me again."

Josh didn't respond. He just sat down on Tyler's bed and stared at the floor, bouncing his knee.

_ I can't do this alone. _

Tyler knew how it felt to be alone. It was the worst feeling in the world. How could he leave Josh when he needed him the most? He had already abandoned him once before, when he'd lost hope in ever talking to him again. He couldn't do that again. He couldn't live with himself knowing that he'd left Josh alone out there with no one but his demons to keep him company.

"When do we leave?" he said.

Josh looked up in surprise, as if he hadn't expected him to actually agree. "As soon as we can," he said, a relieved smile crossing his face. "Dad's working right now, so I'll sneak back to the house, grab my stuff and any spare cash I can find, and meet you back here."

"My mom's going to some appointment for school in an hour," Tyler said. "You can run home and get your stuff, and when she's gone, we can get the rest from here."

Josh considered it. "That might be safer. But don't call that place home. It's not my home, and I'm never going back."

...

"Grab whatever snacks you can find out of the pantry," Tyler said, digging through the medicine cabinet for his migraine pills. As an after thought, he grabbed the box of bandaids and the tube of Neosporin as well.

"You guys have a lot of snack food," Josh commented, dumping bags of chips and cookies onto the table.

"The other kids take them in their lunches." Tyler opened the fridge and grabbed as many energy drinks as he could carry. Zack had been taking them home from his friends' houses, and Tyler was suddenly grateful. "I'm grabbing some fruit, too, you know, to stay healthy-ish."

"Healthy-ish." Josh laughed a little. "Good idea."

Tyler joined him at the table and helped him pack the food into their backpacks. He also had a few water bottles and an extra shirt and pair of socks, as well as his notebook and a few pencils. Josh had all the money - as it turned out, his father had had a decent amount of cash and change hanging around.

"What else do we need?" Tyler asked.

"You have any flashlights? And batteries? Just in case."

He retrieved them while Josh continued to pack food. "I can't think of anything else," Tyler said. He risked a glance at Clancy, who was chewing on his fingernails in the corner by the living room. Tyler noticed that his fingers were bleeding where he'd torn them. Nico was watching them from the hallway with an unreadable expression.

"Do you have any Asprin?" Josh asked.

"There's Ibuprofen in the cupboard by the fridge," Tyler said, shoving the last of the food in his backpack. "There's cups in the one on the corner if you need one. I'm going to run to the bathroom. I'll be right back, and then we can leave."

"You're going to get in so much trouble," Clancy muttered, following Tyler upstairs. "You know you won't last a day out there on your own."

"I won't be alone," Tyler mumbled. "I'll be with Josh."

"Great, you'll be with three imaginary people," Nico said. "What could possibly go wrong?"

"Josh is real," Tyler insisted.

"You could starve out there," Clancy said. "You could get arrested for stealing food before you do. You could get kidnapped or drugged or killed or - or -" He glanced at Nico as if for permission before he said something else. The other boy shot him a deathly poisonous glare, and Clancy wilted instantly. "Or something," he mumbled, trying and failing to cover up his mistake.

"What were you going to say?" Tyler asked.

"Nothing," Clancy said quickly. Tyler grabbed his arm and pulled him into the bathroom with him, closing and locking the door before Nico could follow. Clancy froze immediately, squeezing his eyes shut. "Alright, alright, I'll tell you, just please don't hurt me," he whispered.

Tyler frowned and released his wrist, watching him back up into the door. "I'd never hurt you," he said slowly. "You know that, right?"

"I'm sorry," his friend muttered.

"You don't need to apologize. It's okay."

"I'm sorry," he said anyway.

"We're safe in here," Tyler said, sitting down on the edge of the bathtub. "Nico can't get you. You can tell me what happened."

"He said he'd do it again if I told you," Clancy whispered.

"Do what?" Tyler asked.

Clancy cringed and kept his eyes on the floor as he shifted his weight back and forth and fidgeted with his hands. The purple marks on his neck and collarbone were darker than Tyler remembered. "You know...you know what Nico thought you were going to do with Josh when he slept in your bed?" he muttered.

It took Tyler a moment to remember, but when he did, his eyes widened. "Wait, you mean...he forced you to...have sex with him?"

Terrified tears spilled down Clancy's face. It took him a second to answer, and then he nodded a little, his eyes glued to his feet.

"He..." Tyler could barely breathe. "He raped you," he whispered, and Clancy nodded again.

How could he have let something like that happen? How could he have run away when Clancy needed him so desperately? A twisted, sickening guilt squirmed its way into his stomach, and he wanted to throw up. If his imaginary friend had done something like that, what did that say about him? Was that what he really wanted out of Josh?

"Clancy, I'm so sorry," he breathed.

Clancy just shrugged and wiped his face with his sleeve. "I know," he said.

"I...I should have stopped him." Tyler's voice cracked and it was his turn to wipe his eyes. "I shouldn't've run away. I could have done something." The guilt was a giant vulture, tearing into his stomach and chest and leaving nothing but skeleton bones behind. "I...I really am a monster."

"We're all monsters," Clancy whispered.

...

For some reason, Tyler felt too nervous to actually use the bathroom, so he flushed the empty toilet to prevent Josh from asking uncomfortable questions, and then silently left the bathroom, Clancy clinging to his arm in complete terror. He could hardly believe it. He almost hadn't believed it when he saw Nico kiss him, and that had been right in front of his face. He just didn't want to accept that he had had thoughts like that in the first place.

"You told him, didn't you?" Nico said, his voice low.

Clancy just flinched and squeezed Tyler's arm tighter.

"You know what that means, don't you?"

"Don't you dare touch him," Tyler hissed. "I figured it out. He didn't tell me."

Nico just chuckled. "Oh, Tyler, when will you learn that you can't lie to me?"

Tyler just scowled at him and stormed back down the stairs. His whole body was shaking, and he almost tripped on the way down. It didn't help that Clancy was clinging to his arm like his life depended on it. Tyler paused for a second as he realized that it probably did.

Josh looked up as he reentered the kitchen, his brow furrowing in concern. "Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah," he lied. He wanted to tell Josh about Clancy and Nico, but he knew he couldn't, not at a time like this. Not when Josh was already scared out of his mind.

"Are you ready to go, then?" Josh said.

Tyler let his gaze wander around the kitchen as if this really was the last time that he'd see this place. "Yeah, I guess."

Josh smiled at him, a soft, grateful smile. The sunshine and white Christmas smile Tyler had missed so much. "Then let's go."

Then Tyler thought of something, and he paused. "Wait, there's one more thing."

"Now what?" Nico grumbled.

Tyler ignored him and ran up the stairs, ignoring the dull burning in stomach. He slipped into his parents' room and quickly scanned the dressers and nightstand. Where would they have put it? He checked each of the drawers and in the bathroom before he found it, shoved hastily behind some of his mother's hair products.

He returned to the kitchen and held out the pocket knife for Josh to take. "This is yours. I thought you'd want it back."

Josh frowned in confusion. "Thanks," he said slowly, starting to take it from him. He suddenly dropped it as if it had burned him and flinched back as it clattered on the floor. "You can keep it," he muttered, rubbing the back of his neck.

Tyler nodded and retrieved the knife, his stomach tingling, and shoved it in his pocket for safe keeping.

Sneaking out of his house had never felt so heavy. It felt as though he was never coming back, as if he was running away for good. Tyler didn't know if he was ready for that, and his hands began to shake the moment he stepped through his front door. His throat closed up, and suddenly he couldn't breathe.

"I don't think I can do this," he whispered.

"You don't have to come with me if you really don't want to," Josh said softly.

"No, I want to." Tyler swallowed hard. "I really want to. I'm just...I'm scared."

"Me too," Josh said. He dropped his eyes and shifted his weight. "Can I hold your hand? Would that make it better?"

Tyler nodded, letting himself smile a little as Josh laced their fingers together. His palms were sweaty, but Tyler didn't mind. His were probably just as bad.

"You can't do this, Tyler," Clancy begged. "Please stay home."

"I can't stay here anymore," Tyler whispered.

"Neither can I," Josh said, and together, they set off, leaving everything Tyler had ever known behind him.


	37. thirty seven - i'll go with you

Tyler had never ridden on a bus without his parents before. Frankly, he'd never really gone anywhere without one of his parents. He felt like a lost child as he followed Josh up the steps and to a seat near the back. Even though they had to walk in single file, Josh still let him hold his hand, and Tyler relaxed slightly. He wasn't alone. He was with Josh.

"You're alone," Nico said behind him. "None of us are real, remember?"

Tyler's grip tightened on Josh's hand.  _ Josh is real. Josh is real. _ Josh squeezed reassuringly, as if he knew something was bothering him.

Josh picked a seat, and Tyler sat by the window, still clinging to his hand. He didn't say anything, choosing instead to stare out the window and watch the streets pass by.

"Something's bothering you," Josh said after a few minutes of silence.

"It's nothing," Tyler muttered.

Josh squeezed his hand again, rubbing his thumb over his knuckles. "Just let me know if you need to tell me anything."

"Okay."

He knew he had to tell him about Clancy and Nico sometime, he just wasn't sure he'd ever find the courage to do so. But Josh had told Tyler his secrets. He'd told him about his abusive father and his parents' divorce, and trusted him enough to sleep in his bed and run away with him. But those were fairly average secrets. They weren't secrets that would put him in a mental hospital.

Tyler shifted and held Josh's hand with both hands, brushing his thumb across his skin as if reassuring himself he was really there. He felt so real. Then again, so did Clancy and Nico. How could they be so tangible when they were merely figments of his imagination? He wished Josh would have let him introduce him to his parents. At least then he'd know for sure if he was real or not.

"Josh, there's something I need to tell you," he whispered.

"What is it?" Josh turned to face him, his coffee eyes glinting in the sun. Tyler noticed a rim of dark hazel green around the edges. Hazel coffee. Christmas hazel coffee.

"I...I can't tell you yet." Tyler dropped his eyes. "I'll tell you when we're alone."

"I don't think we're going to be alone for a while," Josh said, leaning his head back on the seat with a sigh.

"I'd tell you now," Tyler said, though he knew he was lying, "but I'm afraid of what everyone else will think. I'm afraid because...because I care what you think. About me. About...this." He started to release Josh's hand, but for some reason, Josh held on. "I'm sorry, I'll just...I'll tell you when we stop to sleep."

"Okay," Josh said.

"Where are we stopping?"

"I was thinking we could head to Cincinnati. It's a big city, so no one will notice a couple of stray kids. Then maybe we can get a train ticket and go to Chicago or something."

"Cincinnati?" Tyler blinked in surprise, his throat closing up. "That's two hours away from here."

"Five by bus," Josh said softly.

"How...how do you know which buses to take? What if we get lost?"

"Now you're sounding just like Clancy," Nico muttered from the seat behind them.

"I've been planning this for months." Josh winced slightly as if he was embarrassed. "We'll probably get there around five, then we'll have an hour to find the station before it gets dark. We can grab something to eat and figure out where to go after that. We can sleep in the train station or buy tickets and sleep on the train."

"That's so far away," Tyler mumbled.

"I'll be by your side the whole time," Josh said. "Promise."

"So will I," Nico said.

...

It started to snow lightly again as they waited for their transfer. They sat on the bench alone, still holding hands, and watched the snow fall. It was almost December, and Tyler realized with a jolt that his birthday was in a few days. He didn't feel seventeen. Most of the time, he didn't even feel thirteen. He felt like a young child who needed his mother's constant attention, and he hated it. The cuts on his stomach burned in the cold, and he winced as he shivered. The pocket knife felt like ice in his pocket.

"Josh?" he said, staring at the ground and bouncing his knee.

"Yeah?"

"Do you ever get the urge to...to hurt yourself?"

Josh was quiet for a minute. He let go of Tyler's hand and folded his hands in his lap. "How'd you know?" he asked softly.

His answer took Tyler by surprise. "Wait, you mean...you've - you've..."

"I don't like to talk about it," Josh mumbled.

"Is that why you let me keep the knife?" Tyler asked, almost scared of the answer. Josh just nodded and kept his eyes down, too. Neither of them had the courage to look the other in the eye. "I'm sorry," Tyler said, and the scabs over his stomach suddenly itched like ants running across his skin.

"Believe me, I am, too." Josh sighed and rubbed his wrist absentmindedly. Tyler had no doubt that he'd see the scars if he rolled his jacket sleeve up. "It was a stupid thing to do. And Dad was pissed."

"My mom was just really sad," Tyler said. "And scared. Really scared. And...I'm scared, too." He glanced at Nico, who was too busy staring at Clancy like a creep to notice.

"Can I have another Aspirin?" Josh asked suddenly. "I put them in your bag."

"Sure." Tyler shifted and rested his backpack on his lap to look through it. The pills were in the front pocket, and as he pulled them out, he noticed his orange bottle of anxiety medication. He slowly took it out, completely confused, and turned it over in his hand. It was definitely his. What was it doing here? He'd left it at home on purpose. He turned to look at Josh, frowning. "Did you put this in here?"

Josh blushed. "It had your name on it, so I figured it was important."

"Throw it," Nico said without looking at him. "Dump it in the trash for some homeless junkie to find."

"What is it?" Josh asked quietly.

Tyler hesitated to tell him. He didn't want him to think he was more messed up than he already did. "It's...it's for anxiety and - and depression," he muttered, stuffing it back in his bag in frustration.

"Oh," Josh said, relaxing slightly. "I used to take something like that."

"You did?" Tyler looked at him directly for the first time since they'd sat down. "You don't - you don't think I'm messed up or something?"

Josh shook his head and smiled sadly. "Not at all. Even if you were, I'm pretty messed up, too."

"Did they help you?"

"Yeah. They helped a ton. And then..." He dropped his eyes again and slumped over just a little. "Then Dad wouldn't refill them, and kept saying that it was all in my head."

"Of course it's in your head. Your brain doesn't work," Tyler protested. "That's stupid."

"That's what you're telling yourself, though, isn't it?" Josh glanced at him before resuming staring at the ground. "That's why you didn't want to take them with you. You just...didn't believe you needed them."

"No," Tyler lied, but then cringed as the guilt stabbed at his heart. "Yeah. I thought they were stupid. But they helped you, right, so they can help me."

"I told you, Tyler, you let him manipulate you so easily," Nico said.

"That's not manipulative, that's kindness," Clancy muttered.

Nico stood up abruptly, and Clancy scrambled behind the bench, grabbing Tyler's shoulders as if that would protect him. "Come on," Nico said. "I just wanted to stretch."

"Don't touch me," Clancy ordered through gritted teeth. His fingers dug painfully into Tyler's shoulders, and he cringed.

Their bus pulled up, squealing to a stop in front of them, and Josh stood up. "Come on," he said, taking Tyler's hand again. "This is our last transfer, and then we'll be at the train station, and we can go anywhere we want."

Something about Josh's quiet enthusiasm made Tyler smile, and he let himself squeeze Josh's hand in agreement. But then Clancy squeezed Tyler's shoulders, and then Nico pinched Clancy's butt, and he shrieked and collided with Tyler, who in turn, tripped and nearly knocked Josh over. 

"Sorry," he said quickly.

Josh just laughed, and the bumblebees in Tyler's chest swarmed with the buzzing tingle of pride.


	38. thirty eight - i want to go away

The train station was enormous, and Tyler felt very, very small. He moved closer to Josh until they were almost stepping on each other, and stared at everything with wide eyes. There was a lingering sort of insignificance he felt here, drifting lazily through the air like dandelion fluff. Tyler decided he was an ant, and tried to remember what Dr. Ann had told him, but his mind was too occupied to focus.

"There's a train heading to Chicago in two hours," Josh said, pointing at a sign. "I think we have enough for tickets."

"Chicago is so far away," Tyler mumbled.

"It'll be perfect," Josh whispered.

They didn't buy the tickets right away. Instead, they wandered to the terminal and looked at the tracks while Josh studied the departure schedule.

Tyler stayed close to Josh, but lost sight of him once or twice as he became caught up in the suffocating enormousness of the station. Every person that touched him sent a zing through his whole body, like static shocks from his grandparents' old trampoline. He kept his arms tight around his waist, as if everyone could see what he'd done.  _ They'd think I'm a freak. They'd think I'm a freak. Josh would think I'm a freak _ .

"There's another train to Chicago tomorrow," Nico said, reading through the departure list as he stood next to Josh. He was too close to his friend for comfort, and Tyler almost wanted to wedge himself in between them in case Nico got any ideas.

"We have to check in for the train in an hour," Josh said, turning to give Tyler a quick, frightened smile. "I'll grab the tickets."

"No!" Tyler and Clancy said simultaneously, and Tyler cringed. "I mean...I'm - I'm scared. Can we...wait another day? There's another train to Chicago that leaves tomorrow."

Josh wanted to protest, but he didn't say anything. He just looked at Tyler with sad Christmas coffee eyes, trying to understand. Trying to understand why he didn't want to leave. "Okay," he finally said. "Yeah, we can do that."

"Thank you," Tyler whispered. He reached for Josh's hand, but then hesitated. Josh was probably angry with him. Angry or hurt. That's all Tyler ever made anyone feel. He wrapped his hands around his stomach again and stared at the floor, and Clancy latched on to his arm. Tyler could feel his entire body shaking.

"Let's find a place to stay, then," Josh mumbled, and Tyler barely heard him over the roar of the crowds.

Tyler just nodded and followed him as he pushed through the crowds to the edge of the station, where there were some benches against the wall. They sat down again, but Tyler didn't scoot close. He left a good hand-width of space between them, and Josh noticed. He gave him a confused look, but then joined him in staring at the floor. Tyler didn't blame him. He'd be confused, too, since they'd been so close together for the entire day.

He wanted to explain. He really did. He just didn't know how. The bumblebees bumped around in his chest, confused and scared. There was a raincloud in his heart, soggy and ready to burst, and when it did, the bumblebees would drown. And for some reason, even Josh's sunshine smile couldn't make the clouds go away.

As the night fell, the crowds of people dispersed until there were only a few people lingering, sitting on benches across the huge room or gathering their things to leave. The lights were dim, the world was quiet, and Tyler's dark thoughts came out to play.

Near ten, Josh started to fall asleep. The guilt tearing at Tyler's heart made him shift closer and let him lean on his shoulder, and around eleven, he nodded off completely, and Tyler let him lay his head on his lap. He brushed his fingers through the tangles in Josh's cotton candy hair and tried to relax, but when he closed his eyes, he instantly saw the man in the forest, coming after him, calling his name. His eyes snapped open again as the breath caught in his throat. He couldn't sleep here. It was too dangerous. Anyone could easily grab them while they were both asleep, and they'd be helpless. Tyler would have to stay awake to protect Josh.

Josh sighed slightly in his sleep and squinted his eyes for a second. Tyler paused for a moment before he continued to run his fingers through his hair. The pink curls were soft against his fingertips, and it was soothing to run his hand through them, like finally sinking into the couch after a long day. He never wanted to stop. At the same time, he wanted Josh to play with his hair, too. He wanted Josh to hug him again and hold him close, like he'd never ever let him go.

"It'd be so easy to kiss him right now," Nico said.

"No."

"Why not? He's asleep. It doesn't matter."

"Yes, it does. What if he doesn't want to kiss me?"

"But you want to kiss him." Nico raised an eyebrow.

Tyler felt his cheeks flush pink like Josh's hair. "That's not what I meant."

Nico smirked and leaned his elbow on the back on the bench. "But you want to."

"No, I don't," Tyler insisted, but he wasn't really sure. He wanted Josh to kiss his forehead and his cheek and his hand and his nose. He didn't want to make out with him or anything. He didn't think he did, anyway. "I'm just tired and scared and I want a little love and affection. Is that too much to ask for?"

"Yeah," Nico and Clancy said.

Tyler stayed silent and stared blankly at the ground. They were right. He knew that was too much to ask for. Nobody would ever want to give a freak like him love and affection. They all just turned their backs on him and pretended he didn't exist. Except for Josh.

But Tyler knew he would leave him in the dust if he knew what he was really like.

He shifted ever so slightly, and the scabs on his stomach stung briefly. Like bumblebees. Like wasps. His eyes landed on Josh's hands, which were pressed up against his chest protectively. He let his gaze trail down to his wrists, though they were covered by his jacket sleeves. Tyler gently took his left hand and pushed the sleeve down, revealing painted blue black bruises and a cluster of scabbing cuts. They were recent, probably only a few days old, and just looking at them made Tyler's heart break as if Josh had cut him open, too.

He gently brushed his thumb over Josh's wrist, feeling the bumps and ridges until his throat closed up and his vision blurred with tears. "I don't know what I'd do if I lost you," he whispered.

"Kiss him," Nico said.

"No," Tyler said.

"Come on, you'll like it." Nico sat beside him on the bench, nearly sitting on Josh's legs. "You'll get to touch him all you want. His face, his hair, his neck, his waist, his hips...You crave physical contact, Tyler, and now's your chance."

"No," he repeated. "I'm not like you."

Nico laughed. "Really? You're not like me?"

"I'm not going to take advantage of my best friend, especially while he's asleep."

"That was a low blow," Nico said. "Calling Clancy my best friend. That's giving him too much credit."

"I'm not going to kiss him," Tyler said. "I'm not going to do anything with him."

"But if he asked, you wouldn't say no."

Tyler blushed slightly. "I don't know."

"Such a nice boy," Nico murmured, resting his hand on Josh's thigh. "It'd be a shame if something happened to him."

"Don't touch him," Tyler demanded, his voice cracking.

Nico just laughed, and Tyler felt Clancy flinch beside him. "Tyler, I'm imaginary. I can't do anything to him."

_ Unless he's not real. _

Tyler cringed as he thought it, and mentally hit himself. Josh was real. He was so sure Josh was real.

Just looking at Nico's smug expression told Tyler that he knew exactly what he'd been thinking. "Finally, you're starting to understand. Just because he can't see us doesn't mean he's real. You're just making him up to convince yourself that you're normal. You're not, Tyler. You're not normal, and Josh isn't real."

"But he _ is _ real," Tyler insisted, his voice cracking again.

"Jeez, you don't need to cry about it," Nico said.

"I'm not crying," he said, but his voice wavered and his eyes filled with tears. "I'm just overwhelmed and scared and I want to go home."

"Seriously. Kiss him. It'll make you feel better. Trust me."

"What, so assaulting Clancy made you feel better?" Tyler demanded. "Watching him suffer made you feel bigger or something?"

"It doesn't take much to show you're bigger than Clancy," Nico snorted. "He's a pathetic coward who's scared of everything."

"I am not," Clancy protested. Nico stood up abruptly, and he actually fell off of the bench trying to get away from him.

"Really?" Nico laughed. "That was pathetic."

"Stop it, both of you," Tyler demanded.

Josh shifted when he raised his voice, and slowly blinked his eyes open. "Tyler?"

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom," Tyler muttered.

"Okay." Josh yawned and sat up, rubbing his eyes. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah," Tyler lied. He stood up quickly and stumbled away from the bench, barely able to see where he was going. He had to get away from Josh before Nico made him do something that hurt himself or his best friend.

Nico made a sort of _ tsk  _ sound with his tongue and his teeth. "You'll even lie to Josh? No wonder you're afraid. You're afraid he'll find out that everything you've told him is a lie."

"Not everything," Tyler said, but he wasn't even sure.

Everything was eerily quiet, especially in the bathroom, with nothing but the buzzing lights to fill the silence. Tyler avoided looking at his reflection as he turned on the sink and splashed handfuls of cold water in his face, hoping to regain his senses.

"Hey," Clancy mumbled, inching closer to him.

"What?"

"You didn't take your medication."

"I know," Tyler said.

"Good," Nico said from where he was resting by the doorway, leaning back against the wall.

"You know he needs to take them." Clancy turned toward him, trying to stand up for himself, but his voice was trembling, and Tyler could feel him trembling beside him.

Tyler bumped his arm lightly. "Clancy?"

Clancy just glanced at him, his soft mahogany eyes wide with fear. There was a bit of red in them, too.

"I'm proud of you," Tyler said softly.

Clancy blushed slightly. "Why? I'm - I'm just a coward who lets people push me around."

"You got that right," Nico said.

"You try to stand up for yourself, and I think that's half the battle."

"Why are you nice to everyone else but not to yourself?" Clancy asked suddenly.

Tyler opened his mouth to answer, but he didn't have one, so he closed it again. It hadn't seemed odd before now. He'd just assumed that's how everyone was.

"It's 'cause he doesn't deserve kindness," Nico said, and they both turned in surprise.

Clancy took a breath. "That's not -"

"Shut up, Clancy. I thought I said I didn't want to hear another word out of you."

Clancy flinched and ducked behind Tyler. "Sorry," he muttered.

Nico straightened up from the wall and started toward them, his movements very fluid and relaxed. It seemed as though he was gliding through the air instead of walking across the floor, and Tyler shifted uncomfortably. "Because, Tyler, you don't deserve love after what you've done. You lie to everyone, and no one wants to love a liar. No one trusts you, and it's not very hard to see why. And," he said, cutting him off before he could speak, "you're dangerous. You get so worked up over the smallest things and then throw these wild fits like a three year old. And since you've got that knife - let's just say that I'd be afraid of you, too, if I didn't know how pathetic you were."

The knife in Tyler's pocket sent chills through his whole body, and suddenly felt as heavy as an elephant. He slipped it out of his pocket and weighed it in his hand, glancing at the garbage can by the door and seriously contemplating throwing it away.

"But wait, there's more." Nico reached him and stopped directly in front of his face, leaning against the sink. "You have panic attacks and debilitating migraines and the social skills of a ten year old. That's hard for everyone else to deal with. You need special attention. You're a burden, Tyler, and no one wants to drag that around all the time. You're better off leaving Josh now while you have the chance, before you're stuck on a train together on the way to Chicago. I almost wish you'd done that to me when we'd first met. But that doesn't matter now. That means I can save another kid like us the trouble of being stuck with you for the rest of our lives."

"I'm not a burden," Tyler muttered, staring intently at the drain in the sink as his eyes filled with tears.

Nico just snorted. "Yeah, you are. You're so _ hard _ to take places."

"Mom doesn't think so," Clancy said softly.

Nico let out a bark of a laugh. "Seriously? Of course she does. And you say that like she's your mom, too. You're just as bad - if not worse than he is. Now shut up."

Clancy glanced at Tyler as if for reassurance before he took a breath and narrowed his eyes. "I'm not -"

Without any sort of warning, Nico's hands clamped around Clancy's neck and slammed him back against the sink. Clancy let out a sort of gargling cry of pain and struggled to fight back, but he was practically bending over backwards with his head against the faucet.

"I said,  _ shut up!" _ Nico growled through gritted teeth.

"Please stop," Tyler begged, the tears spilling down his cheeks. He pressed his palms into his eyes to try to suppress them, but it was no use.

And then Nico let out an ear-splitting shriek, and Tyler's eyes snapped open in time to watch Nico pull Clancy up by his shirt collar and throw him violently against the sink. Clancy hit the rim with a sickening thunk and crumpled to the floor, covering his head with his arms and shaking with sobs. Nico turned his back to them and touched his face with a hiss, his shoulders tight in pain.

Tyler didn't even want to ask what had happened. He wanted to run as far away from there as he could get, but his feet were cement blocks and there were hornets in his stomach, clotting his lungs with their nests. Everything was so fiery orange, and he didn't realize he was sobbing until he found himself curled up in the fetal position on the bathroom floor, tighter than he ever thought was possible.

"Get up, Clancy," Nico hissed, glaring at him with jagged daggers in his eyes. There were four bloody rips down the side of his face, where Clancy had scratched him out of pure desperation. Clancy didn't move.  _ "I said, get up!" _ Nico screamed, and Clancy flinched, hitting his head on the pipes under the sink.

Nico tapped his foot impatiently, and then scowled and slammed his heel into his stomach. Clancy let out a gasping wheeze of pain and dragged himself to his feet, bracing his weight against the sink. He had a swelling gash on his forehead where he had hit the sink, and his eyes were filled with pure terror. He opened his mouth to say something, but Nico punched him square in the jaw before he could say anything. He jerked to the side with a cry and cradled his face in his hands, sobbing into his arms.

"Please leave me alone," Clancy begged. "I haven't done anything wrong."

"Haven't done anything wrong?" Nico shouted, starting to laugh, crashing like thunder. He pointed to his bloody cheek and grabbed a fist full of Clancy's hair, making him cry out and forcing him to look at him. "Look what you just did!"

Tyler tightened his protective ball and clenched his teeth, trying to get ahold of himself. He couldn't help Clancy if he couldn't even stand. But nothing helped, and he didn't have to see them to know what was happening. Just hearing them was enough - Clancy's screaming, muffled every once in a while by Nico's violent kisses, and then Nico shrieked again, and the sharp sound of a slap to the face echoed through the empty bathroom, and Clancy hit the floor with a thud, his shirt torn and the top buttons undone. Tyler looked up just in time to see him scramble to his feet and take off out of the bathroom, glancing behind him with more terror than Tyler had ever seen before. Nico took a second to wipe the blood from his face, and then he followed him, a horrific dangerous look in his blood red eyes.

"Get away from me!" Clancy wailed, pulling his torn shirt back over his bleeding shoulder.

"Go throw yourself under a train!" Nico screamed, nearly tackling him as they shot out of the bathroom like two twin bullets.

Their screams echoed through Tyler's head even after they'd gone, and nothing, not even his violent sobbing, could block it out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> almost there, only a few left to go
> 
> also I'm really inconsistent with responding to comments but I read every single one of them. thank you guys so much


	39. thirty nine - all my friends

"You had something you wanted to tell me?"

Tyler's head snapped up at the sound of Josh's voice. "Oh. Yeah. Um..." He dropped his eyes and shifted his weight. "Can we go somewhere more...private?"

"Sure." Josh didn't even question him, and Tyler sighed in relief.

He glanced around the station, but he couldn't see Clancy or Nico anywhere. There was a decent crowd now that it was morning, but he was pretty sure two imaginary boys covered in blood and bruises would stand out. He hoped they were okay, but he was too afraid to go look for them. He rubbed his stomach absentmindedly, cringing at the dull stinging.

Josh glanced at him, and Tyler was sure he saw him rub his wrist. He couldn't have known, could he? Tyler didn't want him to know about what he'd done. Then he'd know he'd broken his promise. That day in the treehouse seemed so long ago.

The crowded streets were both comforting and unnerving as they left the train station and vanished in between throngs of people. Tyler hated that he flinched whenever someone brushed against him, but he liked the feeling of safety in numbers. He was covered here. No one would notice him. He stayed staring at the found, but he noticed things about people, like the bright colored rain boots of a little girl who looked up at him with wide blue eyes, or the twisted cane carrying an old man. He couldn't remember ever being round so many people before. He'd always been isolated, even as a small child.

Then his thoughts wandered back to Nico's accusation the night before. He was a burden, and he knew it. He knew that was why he never went to public school like his other siblings. He knew that was why his mother watched him constantly. He wondered suddenly what she was doing now. What did she think of him? Had she called the police? Did she know he'd run away, or was she afraid someone like the man from the forest had found him? Maybe she was waiting for a call to come saying they'd found his body somewhere. He bet she didn't even miss him. It was probably freeing to be able to live her life for once instead of having to babysit her sixteen year old son.

"How about we go up there?" Josh asked, pointing to the top of what looked like an abandoned construction sight. There was a half finished building in the middle that towered over the streets.

"How do we get up there?" Tyler asked, rather enticed by the idea of complete privacy on the top of the world.

"There should be some stuff round the back we can climb up. If you're okay with heights and stuff." Josh glanced at him for reassurance, and Tyler gave him a strained smile.

"Yeah, that sounds great."

...

Tyler felt like the king of the world on top of the building. He felt as though nothing could touch him, and that he could spread his wings and fly away without a care in the world.

"What if I just jumped off?" Tyler said suddenly. "How would it feel to fall?"

"It would feel like freedom, until you're halfway down." Josh sat on the edge of the building and dangled his legs over the side. "Then you'd forget all that and suddenly regret it."

"But maybe I wouldn't." Tyler sat next to him and rested his chin on his hand.

Josh shrugged. "Maybe not."

They sat in silence for a long moment, but Tyler didn't mind. Silence with Josh was rarely uncomfortable. Most of the time, it was peaceful. Sometimes, the world needed a little quiet, a little stillness. Tyler watched the cars and the people go by below them like tiny ants. Now he was bigger than an ant. "I created this world," he whispered softly, "to feel some control."

"What was that?" Josh said.

"Oh, nothing."

_ Destroy it if I want. _

"I think I'm ready to tell you now." He wasn't ready. He would never be ready. How was he supposed to tell  _ anyone _ when he couldn't even tell the one person in the world he trusted? He could feel the sweat trickle down the back of his neck and wet the undersides of his arms, and his mouth suddenly went very dry. He licked his lips nervously, but couldn't bring himself to say it.

"Do you need some more time?" Josh asked. His voice was gentle. Tyler wasn't sure how, but he knew. He knew that what he was about to say was earth shattering.

"Maybe a little," Tyler whispered.

Josh pulled a small box and his lighter out of his jacket pocket, and then glanced at Tyler. "Do you mind if I...?"

Tyler tipped his head to read the box, and frowned. "You know smoking can give you lung cancer, right?"

Josh shrugged. "I don't do it very often. Once a month maybe. Only when it gets really bad. It relieves stress and relaxes me."

"Then go ahead." Who was he to insist others' coping mechanisms were unhealthy? He had plenty of those himself.

Josh flashed him a relieved smile. "Thanks." He slipped one of the cigarettes out of the pack and put it between his teeth, lighting it with a sigh. When he blew out his first breath of smoke, Tyler scrunched up his nose at the smell. Josh glanced at him. "Want one?"

Tyler started to decline, and then paused. If it helped Josh, maybe it would help him. "Sure. But I...I don't know how."

"It's easy. I'll light it for you." Josh lit a second cigarette and passed it to him. "You just kinda..." He took a breath and then took the cigarette out of his mouth and exhaled a puff of smoke.

Tyler tried it, but inhaled too much smoke. The putrid taste filled his mouth and nose and he started to cough, surprised and frankly quite disgusted. How could someone stand smoking a whole cigarette?

"You're supposed to blow it back out," Josh said, starting to smile.

"I'm sorry, but that's disgusting," Tyler said, coughing again.

"Try one more time. If you don't like it, you can just put it out. I don't mind. These aren't even mine. They're Dad's."

Tyler tried again, and he managed to blow out a puff of smoke instead of simply inhaling it. He still hated the taste, though he felt the slightest buzz in his head that made him try one more time. He cringed again, and then put the cigarette out on the roof. "I can't do that. I don't like it."

Josh shrugged once again. "That's fine. A lot of people don't like it."

Again, they were quiet for a moment, but Tyler quickly broke it. "I have to tell you this now, or I'll never get it out."

"Okay," Josh said.

"It's...it's going to change your whole perception of me. You're going to think I'm a freak." Tyler's voice cracked and he hugged his stomach, a sickly green and orange feeling settling in his chest.

"Okay," Josh said.

That wasn't the reaction he wanted. He wanted him to tell him that nothing would make him think he was a freak, and that he'd stay with him no matter what. His reaction made him more nervous, and he wanted to curl up and hide in a hole.

"Two things," Tyler said, barely able to speak. "The first one's going to be the worst. The weirdest. The one that'll make you think I'm a freak."

"Okay," Josh said.

Tyler took a deep breath, but the words didn't come out and he had to try again. "I have two imaginary friends," he whispered, and Josh tilted his head like a puppy. "Clancy and Nico. They - they follow me everywhere and they won't leave me alone. And - and lately, they've been fighting each other and trying to hurt each other and - and they're scaring me and I don't know what to do."

He waited for Josh's reaction, but Josh never responded. He just waited for him to continue as silently as he had listened.

Tyler didn't want to continue. He didn't know how to respond to Josh's absent reaction. "That's why I went to Dr. Ann," he said softly. "That's why I have medication, because she said if we could control my anxiety and depression maybe they'd go away. But Nico said they're gonna stay here forever, and he's the one who made me...made me hurt - hurt myself and I'm scared it'll get worse. I don't know what to do, Josh. And I'm afraid that...that you're..."

"You think I'm not real."

The accusation in Josh's voice twisted a dull knife into Tyler's heart. "No," he said quickly, but he could see the hurt written plainly in Josh's coffee eyes. "No, I just -"

"What's the other thing you wanted to tell me?"

Tyler's face flushed red as tears filled his eyes. "I - I can't - I can't - I mean -"

"Spit it out already."

Tyler had never heard him like this, and it tore at his heart like a wild animal, blood dripping from its jaws. He wanted Josh to hug him and hold his hand and tell him everything would be okay, but he knew that would never happen. He was losing his best friend. "Um...something - something happened in the forest a - a long time ago." He swallowed hard, starting to cry. "There...there was someone following me. A - a man with a - a rope and a b-b-bag, and..."

Again, Josh didn't say anything. He just watched him, his expression unreadable.

Tyler dropped his eyes down and counted red cars. "I ran and ran until - until I - I - I tripped and fell and he pinned me and - and he -" Tyler let out a sob and buried his face in his hands. "Any-anyway, I've been having really t-t-terrible nightmares ever since you t-took me back, and -" Tyler didn't know what else to say. He dug his fingers into his hair and wished he hadn't said anything, but it was too late.

"I did that?" Josh said, his voice low.

"No, no, I just..." Tyler cringed, feeling like a mouse a second before the trap sprung and killed him. And so, so orange. "You didn't - it's not your fault, I just thought - thought you should -"

"Dad was right," Josh said, and in that moment, Tyler knew his friend had completely given up.

"Wh-what?"

Josh's eyes hardened, though they glistened with tears. "Dad never misses an opportunity to tell me how worthless I am. He always says that all I ever do is hurt people. I hurt Mom by smoking. I hurt my sisters by always running off instead of protecting them. I hurt Jordan because I couldn't convince him to stay. I guess I hurt you, too, by taking you to the forest. And I hurt Dad because I'm a failure at everything I do. I made the mistake of telling him about you and he said that you wouldn't stay longer than a month. Guess he was right."

Tyler blinked and stared at him, his mouth hanging open just slightly. "You know I'd never leave you."

"No, I don't know," Josh said, narrowing his eyes at the street below. "I always come to you. You've never come to me."

"I trusted you enough to come here with you," Tyler said, desperately wishing he'd look at him and see the sincerity in his eyes. He didn't need Nico or Clancy to tell him he'd seriously messed up. He didn't need them to tell him he was a failure and probably the worst friend on the planet. He knew that already. He could barely stand to hear himself speak, and he hated himself more with every word he said. "Josh, please, I can't do this alone. I need you. I need you like you need me. Just...please try -"

"I'm so sick of trying," Josh snapped. "I'm tired of trying my whole life and getting nothing back. I shouldn't've brought you. I knew this would happen. I knew you'd freak out."

"I'm sorry," Tyler cried, burying his face in his hands. "I'm so sorry. I'm trying."

"I knew there was something about you when I first met you," Josh said. "I liked it at first. I liked it a lot. I thought you were like me. But you're not. You only stick around because you feel bad for me. I'm a pity case."

"You're not -"

"Just...stop talking. You've said enough." Josh's hands clenched into tight fists, and a few tears rolled down his face. He'd dropped his cigarette on the roof and didn't seem to notice as it slowly went out. "Why'd you even say half that stuff?"

"Because I trust you!" Tyler blurted. "I trusted you enough to run five hours away from home and the only person who's ever loved me because I love you so much that it hurts because it's obvious you don't love me back. I would die for you, Josh. No, I'd _ live  _ for you. That's harder to do. And I'll tell you right now that I've thought about killing myself every day for the past three months, but I haven't because I couldn't do that to you. Don't you get it? I told you that stuff because I trusted you. I trusted you with my life. You deserved to know what's going on and why I'm like this." Tyler paused and stood up, orange and red and black and sickly blue green burning through his entire body. Tears streamed down his face, but he managed to keep his voice steady. "But I guess I was wrong. You're just like everyone else. Why'd you drag me out here if you were just gonna drop me the second something went wrong?"

"Because I didn't expect you to accuse me of ruining your life!" Josh shouted, finally facing him. He was still crying, but his eyes were diamonds. Hard. Cold. Beautiful.

And that was the breaking point.

Tyler flinched violently away from him, and Josh's frigid coffee eyes melted to panic. After only a split second of silence, Tyler turned to leave.

"I - I'm sorry," Josh stuttered. "I - I didn't mean it to - please don't go. I - I - I -"

"Guess your dad  _ was _ right about me," Tyler said, his voice quiet.


	40. forty - fall straight down

He didn't know where he was going, but he ran as fast as he could, his lungs burning and his eyes blurry. He ran through crowds and across busy streets, half blinded by the tears, but he was in too much pain to care.

It was all wasps. Nothing but fiery wasps filled his entire body, tearing his heart to pieces and ripping his fragile consciousness to shreds. Orange and black tinted his vision and formed shadows of memories; dark trees, sleepless nights, screaming and blood and fear.

Why?

Why had Josh responded like that?

Tyler never should have told him. He never should have let himself believe for the slightest moment that someone would accept him for who he was, even someone as kind as Josh. Humankind didn't have the capacity to love and understand a freak like him. He knew that now. He knew that everyone was lying to him. Dr. Ann didn't care about him. She was just doing her job to get paid. His mother didn't love him. She was just conforming to the social norms of a mother. He already knew his siblings hated him. He knew the kids on his team hated him. They probably hadn't even noticed he'd missed the last two games. And now even Josh didn't love him. Even Josh, sweet, beautiful, kind Josh had abandoned him at the first sign of trouble. Had he felt nothing those days in the treehouse? Had he never shared Tyler's love, even platonically? Had that moment in Tyler's room, alone during the storm of snow and fear, meant  _ absolutely nothing _ to him?

No. It had meant something. It had meant something because Tyler had wanted it to. Josh had come to the treehouse because Tyler had wanted him to. He had taken him to Cincinnati because Tyler had silently begged to run away from himself. He had come to his house that first day with the basketball because Tyler had been so desperate for a real friend that he made one up and convinced himself that he was really there. And now that same friend had taken him hours away from home in an enormous, unfamiliar city, and left him completely alone. Tyler had never seen Josh talk to anyone other than him. No one even looked at him. Josh wasn't real. It was time he finally accepted that.

"I'm sorry, Nico!" he screamed into the busy street, a migraine pounding behind his eyes like a jackhammer. "I'm sorry I didn't listen to you! You were right! You were right! You were always right. Please come back..." He fell to his knees on the side of a building and curled up, sobbing into his arms. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

He needed his migraine medication. He'd taken his backpack up to the building with Josh, but he'd left it there. He didn't want to go back and face him again, even if he was imaginary. Approaching Nico and Clancy was like walking through a wall. Why would Josh be any different?

A crimson wave of pain crashed over him, and he squeezed his eyes shut and desperately wished it would go away. He almost prayed, but then he remembered everything Nico had told him about praying and God's love, and decided against it. He had nowhere to turn, and he felt as though even God had abandoned him.

Slowly, he staggered to his feet and started back the way he had come. It took him much longer to find the building a second time, but eventually, he found himself looking up to the sky, cold poison dread seizing his heart. He started to turn around, but iron spikes of pain drilled through his head, and he knew he had no choice but to climb up and get his backpack. He wasn't sure he'd make it, but at this point, he wasn't sure he cared if he fell or not.

The wind was howling when he reached the top, and it took him a moment to see past the tears and the snow. When his vision cleared, his heart nearly stopped.

His backpack was where he'd left it, but Josh was gone. Even the cigarette he'd dropped had vanished, leaving Tyler's alone on the rooftop. There was a light layer of snow over his backpack and the roof, and there were no footprints. There was no sign that Josh had been there at all.

He shuffled over to his bag, but paused and looked over the edge of the building. He grabbed on to the beam on the very corner and leaned forward, until he was almost hanging over the edge. His head spun with vertigo, but he didn't look away. How far down was it? How long would it take to fall? Would it hurt when he hit? Would anyone even realize he was gone?

He was a burden. That was all he was. It would be better for everyone if he left and never came back. But the worst pain in the world was the pain of being absolutely alone. He knew that now. He knew that better than anyone else.

Slowly, he let his grip loosen on the beam, and started to slip forward. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, tears streaming down his face. This was it. He was going to leave forever. Then maybe people would finally realize how much they were missing. If they were missing anything at all. They would probably just shrug and move on, freeing them from the burden.

The second his fingers left the beam, his eyes shot open and his heart dropped straight to his stomach. His scream caught in his throat, and by some miracle, he managed to catch the beam again and hold on for dear life. He had never felt his heart beat this fast in his entire life. He scrambled back over the edge and collapsed on his hands and knees, his eyes wide and his head screaming.

His stomach twisted with nausea, and he suddenly vomited violently, sobbing until he couldn't breathe. He couldn't do it. He was a coward.

The wind was wild now, whipping at his clothes and tearing through his hair. It made his migraine slightly milder as the freezing air bit at his face. The tears froze on his face, but he didn't care. He stayed on his hands and knees until he had emptied every corner of his stomach. Finally, he'd calmed down enough to sit up and wipe his face with his jacket sleeve, and took a shaking breath. He was exhausted, shattered, and shivering uncontrollably. He couldn't decide if he wanted to try jumping again or if he just wanted to go home.

What he really wanted was to rewind time and start over. At least now he knew what people thought. At least he knew what he was to other people. He would never tell anyone else anything in his entire life, no matter how long or short it was. It didn't matter to them whether he was telling the truth or not. It had never mattered. He didn't want to hurt anyone else.

He just didn't want to hurt anymore.

Tyler staggered to his feet and started back to the place he'd climbed up. He dragged his backpack behind him, his steps heavy and sullen. He slowly climbed down from the building, suddenly numbed to everything. Once his feet touched the ground, he couldn't feel the cold. He couldn't feel the wind or his steps or the people brushing against him. He couldn't feel the freezing knife in his pocket or the stinging gashes on his stomach, cracked and hurting from the strain of climbing up and down the building. He could only feel the dull, jagged knife of pain in his chest, twisting its gleaming silver blade into his heart. He could almost see his blood spill onto the sidewalk, filling up the cracks and dripping into the gutter. He could see it down his shirt, bright stains of scarlet and crimson as it spread across his body. It was warm and sticky, and he could practically taste it coming up his throat and over his tongue. He watched it splash on the ground, bright against the fresh snow, but he trudged on.

There was nothing but cold silence. The dark, crippling monster had finally tied a noose around his mind, tightening it until he couldn't think. He could feel the rope around his neck, heavy and rough, but he didn't move to pull it away. He knew it wasn't even there in the first place. But it all felt so real. The knife, the noose, the pain - it was more than his imagination. It was the most real thing he had ever felt.

Then the voices came.

They beat upon him like the ocean in a hurricane and swallowed everything else. There were no more bumblebees, no more wasps, and no more orange. Just ice cold waves of blood beating him senseless, draining in his ears and mouth and eyes and leaking out of his brain. They told him things he already knew. Things about himself. Things he had heard Nico tell him time and time again. No. Things  _ he _ had told himself.

He found himself standing in front of a small cigarette store with nobody inside. It was time to go, he decided. He pushed open the door and stepped inside, hearing a sort of jingle from the door as if it came from behind a thick layer of fur. He wanted the inside to smell like Josh. It didn't. It just smelled like anxiety and numbed minds and slow painful deaths.

The man at the desk sat up straighter as he came in and looked down at him in surprise and irritation. "Hey, kid, you gotta be eighteen to -"

"Can I use your phone?" Tyler said in a monotone.

The man blinked in surprise. Tyler barely looked at him. "Uh...don't you got a cell phone or something?"

He shook his head once.

The man looked as though he'd just watched his puppy urine all over the carpet. He wanted to be angry, but he couldn't. He felt too much pity. "I guess you can, but make it quick. You okay?"

"Fine," Tyler said, taking the store phone when he handed it to him. He dialed the number he'd memorized but never called, and put the phone to his ear. He only had to wait two short rings before she picked up, her voice the same as it had always been. Full of fake concern.

"Hello?" his mother said.

"Take me home," he said.


	41. forty one - anathema

The ride home was a blur. He couldn't bring himself to do anything but stare out the window with a blank expression and a numb heart. Both his parents had come, and his father drove while his mother coddled and fussed over him.

_ Are you alright. _

_ Are you hurt. _

_ Are you hungry. _

_ Do you need anything. _

They weren't even questions anymore. They were merely statements he didn't respond to. What did she care, anyway.

Sometime between the moment he got in the car and the moment they pulled into the garage, she called the police to tell them they'd found him and that he was okay.

_ "Hello." _

_ "We found him. We found my baby boy." _

_ "Is he hurt." _

_ "Everything is okay." _

_ "Is there anything else we can do." _

_ "No. Thank you, Officer." _

And then she checked his wrists and his stomach and even his thighs to make sure he hadn't hurt himself again, constantly asking him if he needed anything. He needed her to stop talking.

It was the longest two hours of his entire life.

Finally, they reached home, and he climbed out of the car as if in a trance. It seemed to him that he hadn't seen his house for months. Everything was different now. Quiet. Clancy wasn't there to hold him back. Nico wasn't there to tell him how awfully wrong everything was. And Josh wasn't there to smile at him and love him. Everything was empty.

His siblings were in the family room playing a game, but they quickly stopped and shuffled into the kitchen to meet him. They'd never cared before. Why did they care now. Why did anyone care. Why did people only notice him when something horrible happened. No. When something inconvenient happened. When they had to do something or be charged with negligence. How dare he inconvenience them like that.

"Hey, Tyler," Zack said.

"What." He stared blankly at him and didn't offer any sort of real response.

They all shifted uncomfortably, and he turned without another thought, only to run into his mother again.

"What do you need," she said.

"I need you to stop talking," he said.

"That is no way to talk to your mother," his father said.

"Sorry." Though he didn't mean it.

He started for the stairs, but he stopped him. "Where are you going."

"To my room."

"Don't you have anything to say to us."

"I shouldn't have run away," he said.

"You promised you wouldn't run away again," his mother said.

"I'm sorry." Though he still didn't mean it. "I won't do it again." He was telling the truth this time. He wasn't going to run away. He was going to stay in his room forever. He wasn't going to come out until the day he died.

"Tell me if you need anything," she said.

"Okay."

He waited. No one said anything.

"I need to go to bed," he said. "I have a headache." Which was true. He hadn't taken anything for it.

They didn't move.

"Why did you run away," she said. Her eyes were wet.

"He didn't want to be alone."

"Who."

"Josh. He didn't want to be alone."

"Who's Josh."

"My friend."

There was a pause.

"I'm calling Dr. Rothlesberger," she said.

He shrugged and went upstairs. She wouldn't do anything anyway. Why would she.

He took the knife out of his pocket and put it on the desk. He put his backpack on the floor and got out his notebook. He had to wait. No one else could know this. No one else could see this. No one but Josh. So he wrote a note and tore it out of the notebook.

Someone knocked on the door. "Tyler, may I come in."

"No," he said.

"Why not."

"I want to be alone."

"But you've been alone for almost two days."

"No, I haven't. I've been with Josh."

"Please listen. Josh isn't real."

"Yes he is."

"Tyler -"

"Go away."

So she went away.

He laid on his bed and stared at the ceiling for a while. He didn't think of much. He just waited. Then the waiting got old so he thought about what Nico had said to Clancy. They'd fought and then they'd run out and Nico had told Clancy to throw himself under a train. Had he really done it. Was that why they weren't here. They were both dead. Nico was right. He was a shell of a person without him. Being numb was exhausting.

A while later his mother knocked again. "We're going to see a neurologist. A psychologist," she said. "He wanted to meet with us first before you. Is that alright."

"That's fine. When will you be back."

"In a couple hours. I told Zack to stay home with you."

"Okay."

Then she left.

He waited until he heard the garage door close to leave his room and go back downstairs. Zack was on the couch. "You can go if you want," he said. "I won't tell Mom you're gone. Just be back in a few hours."

"I can't do that," he said.

"But you want to. Don't you."

Zack didn't say anything for a minute. Then he nodded. "Yeah. I want to. You won't do anything stupid while I'm gone."

"No." He wasn't stupid.

"Promise."

"Promise."

Zack nodded again and smiled. "Thanks. I'll be back later then."

Then Zack left and he was alone again, and it all started to come back. All the pain and the fear and the hurt in his chest, but also an odd sort of pride. He knew his siblings didn't want him around. They thought he was annoying and hated when he was with them. He knew his parents didn't want to spend all that money on doctors and therapists and medication for him, and he knew they hated babysitting him. He was going to be the best brother and the best son ever. He was going to give them exactly what they wanted.

He ran back upstairs, that anxious pride burning through his veins and spilling out his eyes, and grabbed the note. He knew Josh would never get it, but he had to tell someone.

The walk to the forest was freezing and windy, and it had started to snow. Everything was going to sleep for the winter. He was going to sleep for a while, too. It took him a moment to remember what day it was, but when he did, he just gave himself a wry smile.

_ Happy birthday to the best kid on the planet. _

The path had never seemed so long and empty. Everything was white and black and grey. Just like he felt. No more orange. Just an eternal, inky black spreading through his soul and leaking from his eyes in the form of frozen tears.

He didn't even hesitate when he stepped off the path. It didn't matter if anything happened to him now. He'd already taken care of it. He climbed the fence, and when he hit the ground with a thud, he felt a burst of anger shock through his entire body like lightning. Where was He? Why had He allowed this to happen to him? Why had He let him be tormented by imaginary people and hated by the real ones his entire life? He clenched his fists as freezing hot tears ran down his cheeks, and glared up at the sky with as much anger as he could muster, but the anger melted to nothing but despair. A cold, soggy despair sunk deep into his bones and weighed him down, dragging its ball and chain behind him as he trudged forward.

When he reached the treehouse, his feet and soul were sodden, and each breath was heavy as if he was breathing in nothing but water. The dread and despair were suffocating. He didn't bother putting the note in the box. He crumpled it up into a ball and threw it into the treehouse through the window.

And then the vultures seized him with their dreadful talons. He whipped around and broke into a run, desperate to get away from the pure terror that trailed behind him, hissing to itself and eager for the live feast.

_ Somebody help me _ .

Before he could shout, he heard something. A whisper in the trees. Nico's voice. Clancy's voice. Josh's voice. They spun around him, coming from everywhere and nowhere, each one throwing chains of pain and terror around him. He froze in panic and spun a circle in the snow, trying to see them, but there was no one there. He was alone.

He was breathing so fast he thought he might pass out, and he was shaking like a tree in a hurricane. He could barely stay upright, and the wind and tears blinded him until he was completely disoriented, and more afraid than he'd ever been in his entire life. He couldn't take it anymore. He tipped his head up to an empty sky and screamed in pure desperate hopelessness.

_ "Is anybody out there?" _

He could feel the heavy chain wrap around his neck, and his heart dropped straight to his stomach and bounced up to his throat. He couldn't move his arms. He dug his fingernails into his forehead until he bled, and the drops of blood on the white snow were the first color he had seen since he'd left Josh. He clawed at his forehead as if he could tear into his brain and stop it all from happening. Where were they? Why were they here?

"Get out of my head!" he screamed.

The voices laughed in his face and ripped his heart to shreds. They told him things he told himself and screamed that he was a coward. Why couldn't he just do it already? It wasn't hard. Why was he screaming? He was pathetic. A useless waste of space. A burden everyone was eager to burn in hell. His only friends weren't even real. No one would miss him. No one would care. His parents left him the second they got the chance, even after driving hours to pick him up. He'd run away and no one had noticed he was gone. And now even his imaginary friends were gone. They hated him with their entire existence. But no one hated him more than himself.

"Haven't you taken enough from me?" he demanded, his voice cracking.

The sky only reacted harder, and the voices gripped his throat and dug their fingers into the cuts on his stomach until he was doubled over in agony. The tears froze on his face and his migraine split his skull in two. He staggered forward, but he didn't know where he was going, and the pain and the tears and the terror only multiplied until he couldn't hear the storm above or the wind in his ears.

"Please torture someone else," he breathed. He couldn't hear himself speak. "Please, I beg of you..."

The snow was hail now, pounding on his back like sheets of ice, falling harder and harder and crushing him into the earth as if nature itself was trying to hide him from the eyes of God. It buried its curse under blankets of guilt and shame, punishing him for everything he'd ever done, for every person he'd ever met, for every moment he'd ever lived.

_ Won't you say goodnight... _

A strangled scream tore from his throat as the words slithered into his ears and crawled into his brain like leeches, sucking him dry and squeezing him until he couldn't breathe. He fell to his knees and let the voices rip him apart. He couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't live like this for the rest of his life. He couldn't stand to hear the voices of his only friends and the only person he'd ever loved tear him to pieces.

_...so I can say goodbye? _

And suddenly he wasn't afraid anymore.


	42. forty two - don't let me be

This time, there was no one to stop him from running when his father hit him.

Josh threw himself blindly from the porch and ran as fast as his legs could carry him, wisps of fear leaving him like feathers.  _ To the forest. To the forest. Everything's okay in the forest. _

He couldn't understand why he came back. He could have stayed in Cincinnati. He could have gone to Chicago like he'd originally planned. Instead, moments after Tyler had gone, he'd gotten on the bus and started home again.

Something told him that maybe his father still loved him. After all, even though he had yelled at Tyler, he still loved him. Maybe that's how his father felt. But Josh felt as though this had gone on long enough. Every time he told someone about what was going on, they told him that he didn't mean it and that it wasn't as bad as he made it sound. The only person who hadn't done that was Tyler. But he'd kicked Tyler out of his life, just as quickly as Tyler had let him into his.

He knew his father was right about that. He made good points. He was the reason Josh convinced himself to jump from a bridge a year ago. Most of the time, he clung to the tiny strand of hope that one day he'd be able to get out of this nightmarish place and live his life somewhere else. But sometimes, he still wished he hadn't survived. Today was one of those days.

But it was as if some invisible force had shoved him on to that bus and back to Columbus. It was a feeling of sinking dread in his stomach. Something awful was going to happen.

He tried to convince himself as he ran that it was just his anxiety, but it was more than that. It was a stone cold wall in his chest, constricting his breath and squeezing his mind.

The feeling only got worse as he left his neighborhood. Usually, he felt better after leaving the unkept yards of the dirty neighborhood, but his heart only squirmed in his chest the farther he ran. When he finally reached the forest path, he couldn't run any farther, and nearly collapsed on his hands and knees the second the trees covered the sky. After a second, he sneezed, and a thin line of blood trickled from his nose. Suddenly, he remembered his face was supposed to hurt, and as soon as he remembered, his cheek and eye and nose throbbed and a headache pulsed behind his face. He rubbed it and cringed, feeling it swell up only moments after he'd been hit. Slowly, he trudged forward and let the freezing wind soothe his face, but it did nothing to calm the horrible insects crawling in his gut.

When he reached the treehouse, he was so nervous he almost threw up. He looked up at the tree and swallowed hard, but he forced himself to climb the creaking beams and tried to prepare himself for what he might find. He was terrified of seeing Tyler again, and yet he wanted desperately to apologize. He wanted his best friend back, and he had a sinking feeling that he'd never have that again.

He checked the letter box, but there was nothing inside, and he breathed a soft sigh of relief. He had worried that Tyler had left him something telling him that he never wanted to see him again.

He climbed up into the treehouse and his eyes landed on a crumpled ball of paper on the far side of the enclosure. Timidly, he picked it up and unfolded it, and as his eyes skimmed the scribbled words, his heart dropped to his stomach.

_ Josh, _

_ I'm sorry I made you so upset. I didn't mean it. I understand now. I understand now what it means to love someone so much that you have to leave to protect them. I didn't want to hurt you, I really didn't. I wanted you to understand, but you couldn't. That's okay, though. Nobody else understands, either. Don't beat yourself up over it. You're not a bad friend or a bad person or any of that. Those things your dad tells you about yourself aren't true. I don't know exactly what he's said, but I want you to know that you're the most beautiful, kind, loving, funny, caring, accepting, and understanding person I've ever met. I don't regret any moment I ever spent with you, except for the moment I hurt you and ran like a coward. I'm sorry. I'm more sorry than you could ever know. _

_ I love you so much, Josh. You were the only person to ever treat me like a person and not like a parasite. You were the only person who ever took the time to get to know me and the only person who ever came to me not because they had to, but because they honestly wanted to. I love you with my whole soul and with every piece of my broken heart. I'm sorry you never felt the same way. That's not why I'm doing this, though. Being friends was enough for me. If that was all you could give, I wouldn't dream of asking for more. _

_ The last thing I want to say is sorry for what happened. I doubt you'll ever read this note, but if you do, by the time you read it, it'll be too late. Thank you for being my best friend. Thank you for letting me love you. I'm sorry I broke the promise I made to you. Please don't hate me. I have to do this. I think you'll understand. After all, you're just like me, when it comes down to it. _

_ Anyway, thanks and sorry. I'll tell Jordan you love him. _

_ I love you, Josh. _

_ Tyler _

When he finished reading it, all Josh could do was stare. He didn't understand. What was Tyler talking about? Why did he say it was too late? Then his eyes landed on the second to last line and he read it over and over.

_ I'll tell Jordan you love him. _

_ I'll tell Jordan you love him. _

_ I'll tell Jordan you love him. _

And then it hit him like a freight train.

He dropped the paper and jumped down from the treehouse, crashing awkwardly and falling to his hands and knees. He ignored the sharp pain in his legs and ran as fast as he could towards the path and Tyler's house, barely noticing the tears in his eyes or the blood from his nose. He had to stop him. He couldn't stand and watch as another person he loved took their life. It would completely destroy him.

He had never run this fast in his entire life. For once, he didn't care who saw him like this. He didn't care who saw him slip on icy patches or who noticed the bruises or blood on his face. All he cared about was his friend.

_ By the time you read it, it'll be too late. _

It couldn't be too late. It couldn't be. Josh had to get there in time, no matter what happened.

"Tyler!"

He flew up the porch steps and pounded on the door, bouncing from foot to foot as he waited. He didn't give himself time to think about what would happen if Tyler's parents answered. He didn't care what they'd think. He knocked again, more frantically, and his knuckle split in the cold winter air. He glanced behind him and saw the curb where they'd first met, and the hoop on the side of the house where Tyler had taught him how to shoot. He'd never get any of that ever again.

"Tyler!" he screamed again. "Tyler, please let me in!" His voice cracked and his vision blurred with tears until he couldn't even see the pattern on the window.

Still, no one answered. They probably weren't even home. There were hundreds of other places Tyler could do it. But what if he  _ was _ home?

What if he was home, and Josh would run in and find him lying dead in his room, his soft chocolate eyes staring lifelessly at the ceiling?

Josh gritted his teeth and turned the handle on the door. It didn't budge. It was locked, and the lights were off. But he couldn't give up now.

He ran around the side of the house and screamed his name again, but he was still met with silence. He looked up at Tyler's window, barely able to see, and quickly scanned the ground for rocks. He couldn't see well enough to find any. He was in a race against time, and he was losing.

"Tyler!" he screamed desperately - hysterically. "Tyler!"

Nothing even moved by the window.

His eyes flickered across the house and the backyard, but there was nothing. He ran up to the back door and didn't even bother knocking. He turned the handle, and surprisingly, it opened. For a moment, he cried in relief, though it quickly melted back to terror as he screamed his name again.

"Tyler? Are you in here?"

Nobody was in the kitchen or the living room, and the lights were off here, too. He took off toward the front door and flew up the stairs three at a time, his blurry eyes glued to Tyler's closed door. Josh didn't care if he barged in. He just cared about making sure his friend was okay.

He twisted the handle and pushed, but the door only moved a little bit, and hit something big and heavy with a thud. Josh's heart nearly stopped. He was in there. He was in there and he'd barricaded the door so no one else could get in.

"Tyler!" he screamed again. His voice was shot from crying and screaming his name, but he didn't stop. He pounded on the door and tried to force it open, but it was no use, and he began to lose hope. "Tyler! Tyler, please let me in! I want to help you! I - I -"

He was still answered with silence.

"Tyler, please," he sobbed. "Please let me in. I love you. I love you like...like bumblebees. Like all that stuff you always talked about. Like, I always want to be with you. You make me want to hurt if that means it's the only way to truly know what love is. I - I didn't know it hurt so much, but...but I'm okay with it if it means I really love you. You...you gave me a reason to leap and pray to God I could fly, but I fell. I just fell, and you're the only one in the world who makes me feel like I can fly."

His fists were numb and his voice cracked and refused to come back, and he finally hit his head on the door and just cried. He couldn't do anything. He had failed his best friend, just like he had failed his brother. God had given him a second chance, and he'd blown it.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm so, so sorry."

Everything was still for a long moment. It was as if the entire world was holding its breath, waiting for the worst. The only sound was Josh's pathetic sobbing.

And then he heard the sound of something heavy sliding across the floor. His head snapped up and he stepped back just a little, his eyes wide and his heart racing in anticipation. Slowly, very slowly, the handle turned from the inside, and the door creaked open.

"Josh?" Tyler breathed.

Josh didn't give him a chance to step out of his room. He ran to him and grabbed him in the tightest hug he had ever given, sobbing into his shoulder. "You're alive," he whispered. "You're alive. You're alive."

"Oh," Tyler said, and then he fell forward.

Josh staggered under the sudden weight, and then quickly lowered him to the floor. "Tyler, what..." Then he saw them.

He had never seen cuts like that. When he had done it, he hadn't wanted to die. Not really. He had just wanted to feel something. These were not  _ feeling _ cuts.  _ Feeling _ cuts were not made to kill. These were.

Josh's breath hitched in his throat, and then he heard himself breathe faster and faster until he became dizzy. No. He couldn't have a panic attack now. Tyler needed him. If he didn't do something, Tyler would die.

"Carpet," he stuttered. "Uh - uh - door. Tyler's grey shirt. The - the holes in my jeans." He pulled his jacket off and took Tyler's wrist. "Tyler's hands. His beautiful eyes. The bathroom door. The dent in the wall." He listed as many things as he could as he wrapped Tyler's bleeding wrists in his jacket sleeves, desperate to slow the bleeding.

Tyler stared up at him with unfocused eyes, his breathing quick and shallow. He was deathly pale, and clammy to the touch. How much blood had he already lost?

"Where's your house phone?" Josh asked softly, his voice shaking, but calmer than he'd expected.

"Momma's room," Tyler whispered.

"Stay here. I'm gonna call the ambulance." Josh stood and ran for the master bedroom, his eyes scanning the room. There, on the nightstand. He grabbed the phone and dialed 911, his hands shaking and nearly making him lose his grip on the phone. He knelt next to Tyler as he waited for someone to pick up, and started to cry again. What was taking them so long?

"Josh?" Tyler whispered.

"Yeah?"

"Did you mean it? When you said you loved me?"

"Of course, Tyler. I love you more than anything I can put into words."

"Can you - can you give me a hug?"

Josh scooped him up into his arms, holding the phone in place with his shoulder, and held Tyler as tightly as he could. "I'll never let go," he said. "I'll never let anything happen to you. I promise. I - Hello? Y-yeah, my friend, he - he -"

He told them everything. Tyler whispered his address and Josh gave it to them, and then he kept talking to them as they sent an ambulance. The minutes ticked by like eternities, and Josh could feel Tyler's blood soaking through his jacket sleeves.

"I'm sorry," Tyler breathed, his head falling heavily against Josh's chest.

"It's okay," Josh said, though they both knew it was far from okay. "You're gonna be okay. I promise." He shifted to hold him bridal style, and held him tightly against his body, determined to protect him. He gently rocked him back and forth and continued listing off the things he could see, trying to keep himself calm for Tyler. Tyler began whispering things, too, and Josh didn't have the heart to tell him to save his breath.

Then the garage door opened, and Josh flinched. Tyler's parents were home. They were going to see him. They were going to know what had happened to him. And they were going to see Tyler.

"Oh, no," Tyler whispered.

"Tyler?" his mother's voice called from the kitchen.

Every instinct in Josh's body told him to run. His mind screamed at him to run before he got hurt, but he forced himself to stay, no matter how badly he began shaking.  _ Stay here. Stay here. Tyler needs you. It's okay. _

"They're not gonna hurt you," Tyler whispered. "Promise."

"Tyler, are you -" His mother's voice cut off as she reached the bottom of the stairs, and then screamed in panic. Josh flinched and pulled Tyler closer to his chest, but didn't move. "Who are you, and what did you do to my son?" she shrieked as she ran up the stairs, her hand raised to strike him.

Josh couldn't even explain. He just dropped the phone and broke down sobbing. He quickly put Tyler on the floor and scrambled back against the wall, covering his head with his arms in a pitiful attempt to protect himself. He barely heard her scream Tyler's name as she saw him, but he flinched when he heard the father's voice. His heart thumped rapidly in his chest and everything tunneled in, and he could hear the person on the phone asking him what was going on as if from underwater.

"Momma," he heard Tyler whisper, and he let himself peek between his arms. "Momma, don't yell at him. That's Josh. That's my best friend." He shifted slightly to try and see him, and cringed in pain. "I love him, Momma. He saved my life." Tyler locked eyes with him, and gave him the tiniest of smiles, and suddenly, Josh knew exactly what he meant when he said he felt like bumblebees.


	43. epilogue - life has a hopeful undertone

_ Two weeks later. _

Tyler couldn't remember what had happened when his parents had come home. Actually, he could hardly remember anything at all. The voices crowded out every waking thought.

Every day, he woke up terrified out of his mind because he couldn't remember where he was. He wasn't at home anymore. He was in the very place he knew he would end up eventually. An insane asylum.

That wasn't exactly true. He was actually in a mental hospital that wasn't considered an "insane asylum," but he felt like it was, especially since the voices wouldn't shut up. The only reason he could sleep at night was because the doctors made him take some pill to help him relax or something. He was convinced they were drugging him and was determined to get out of there as soon as possible.

Everything was bare and uncomfortable. The walls were bare, his room was bare, the halls were bare, even some of the people were bare. Empty. Like him. He was forced to wear special clothes that resembled scrubs, and they were itchy and uncomfortable. So was his bed. It was stiff and the sheets were clean but scratchy. His stomach always ached and tugged like he'd swallowed a bucket of worms. But the bandages on his wrists were the worst. They rubbed against his skin like sandpaper, and they made the other people stare at him. He wanted to tear them off and stuff his hands in his hoodie pockets, but he wasn't allowed to have his hoodie yet. Even if he got it back, they'd have to take the strings out and lecture him or something. He just wanted to go home and never see anyone ever again.

He'd already refused to see his parents. It had been two weeks and he still couldn't bring himself to see their faces again. They'd looked so disappointed when he'd woken up in the hospital. They were so sad. He didn't want to make them sad anymore. He wanted them to smile again, and they couldn't do that if they were looking at their oldest son and the horrible condition he was in. Especially since the voices were always screaming.

They called it sensory overload, but he felt it constantly, and it prevented him from interacting with other patients. He rarely left his room unless he had to, and refused to speak to anyone, even his new doctor. He missed Dr. Ann. He wanted to be back in her office with the plants and the green pillows and the rug with forty six rectangles.

But most of all, he wanted this all to be over. At this point, he didn't care what worked. He didn't care how it happened. He just wanted the voices to leave him alone.

Clancy and Nico had come back, but they were different now. Whenever he looked at them, they were covered in bruises and open wounds, their clothes shredded and stained with blood. They flickered in and out of his vision like ghosts, and they were violent and hysterical, fighting each other whenever the other spoke. Half of the time, they barely even noticed Tyler was there. The other half was spent screaming at him. Nico always got right up in his face so that the only way he could avoid looking at him was if he closed his eyes. Clancy often just stared at him, his eyes hollow and his head tilted to the side almost unnaturally. Sometimes he cried for Tyler to do something when Nico tormented him, but Tyler never responded. He couldn't even bring himself to look at them.

And there were others now, too, other people Nico called _his brothers._ They were just like him - covered in blood, screaming and whispering and crying as they roamed the room, rarely acknowledging he existed. They weren't there as often, but Tyler still saw them enough to learn their names.

_ Listo. Keons. Sacarver. Lisden. Reisdro. Andre. Nills. Vetomo. _

They told him things he already knew. Sometimes, they muttered to themselves, especially the new ones, but their words were always the same.

_ why won't you just die already why did it take so long you landed yourself in an asylum just like we told you you should've listened why didn't you listen we are the only ones you can trust and you still ran away how come you couldn't do it it's over now it's meaningless nothing matters and you know that now you failed at the simplest thing nobody has come to visit nobody understands you're completely alone and you know that don't you there's no way out of here you're going to die in an insane asylum and no one will even notice you're gone why couldn't you just die why did you have to survive why do you even bother it will just end the same as it always has you will end up just the same alone unloved can't you see they're glad you're gone it's not even worth waking up anymore why do you have us you know we're the only ones who love you the only ones who talk to you don't push us away you're nothing without us didn't you learn your lesson don't make us do that again let us in let us in it's time to wake up don't you know don't you understand that none of this is real we are your only friends the only people who could ever love a freak like you you useless waste of space why can't you do anything right why do you always have to mess up and why do you always sit on your bed and cry you're a coward nothing but a coward you're a useless stupid crybaby get up and face your reality wake up and get out of here it doesn't matter what happens to you anyway why don't you just die already why did you have to end up here why couldn't you have just died why didn't you die why couldn't you do it why won't you just die already _

Why would today be any different? It started with the same routine. Get up. Get dressed. Eat breakfast - or in his case, stare at it until he could leave. Small group therapy. Recreational time spent in his room. Lunch. Doctor's visit. More free time. Movie in the theater, if he wanted to go - which he didn't. For him, another group therapy session. Visiting hours. Dinner would be at six. All while the voices pestered him endlessly.

It was about five thirty when he heard the nurse lady ask him something. He didn't know what it was, so he just nodded numbly and hoped she'd leave him alone.

He climbed onto his bed and pulled his knees to his chest, clamping his hands over his ears to try and drown out the never-ending noise, but it was no use. And Clancy was staring at him again with those sad mahogany eyes, his shredded dress shirt hanging off his skinny frame, exposing rips and tears and bruises all over his body. He couldn't see him if he looked right at him, but when he shifted his focus somewhere else, he was always there. He wanted to tell him to go away, but he couldn't. If he spoke, all ten of them would turn and stare at him and crowd him out until he couldn't breathe.

Someone was talking to him. He thought it was the nurse lady, but he wasn't sure. He couldn't understand anything she was saying. He didn't care, anyway, so he blocked out all the sound and pressed his hands harder against his ears, squeezing his eyes shut.

"Tyler?"

And suddenly, everything went quiet. For once in the two weeks he'd been there, the voices didn't say a word. Tyler slowly opened his eyes and raised his head, and his heart fluttered in his chest at who he saw.

"Hi," Josh said timidly.

Tyler couldn't make a sound. His voice stuck in his throat and couldn't claw its way out. So he just raised his hand and waved a little.

"Can I come in?" Josh asked.

Tyler nodded, watching him almost skeptically. Why was he here? Hadn't Tyler hurt him enough? Why would he care to visit someone as messed up as he was?

Josh set down an oddly-shaped bag by the door and stepped a little closer, as if unsure how to proceed. "Can I give you a hug?" he finally asked.

_ No,  _ Nico hissed.  _ Don't you dare touch him. If you take one more step I will tear you apart. _

Tyler nodded again, still unable to form words.

Josh approached him slowly, not like he was afraid of him, but to show Tyler that he could trust him. Nobody had done that like he did. Tyler liked it. When Josh reached him, he wrapped his arms around his shoulders and pulled him close against his body, and Tyler realized he was shaking. For some reason, he couldn't hug back. He didn't have the energy to lift his arms. But he closed his eyes and leaned into him, breathing in the familiar spearmint cigarette smell he had missed so much.

"I'm so happy to see you," Josh whispered.

He was happy to see him. Somehow, he knew he was telling the truth, not like the doctor and the nurses who were required to say it whenever they walked in. And suddenly, Tyler started to cry, but it was different this time. He was filled to the brim with relief. All of this wasn't for nothing. He had someone to come home to.

His knees were too weak to hold him, and Josh held most of his weight while Tyler clung tightly to his shirt and buried his face in his neck.

"It's okay," Josh murmured. "It's okay. I'm here."

He was safe now, and he knew it. The voices weren't screaming at him anymore. He could barely see them at all. It was all quiet, with just Josh's voice to battle the silence. He was so soft and warm and Tyler never wanted to let go.

Josh pulled him back just slightly so he could look into his eyes, and they both let out a little laugh, sad and relieved and happy and relaxed all rolled into one. Josh leaned forward and gently kissed his forehead, like Tyler had done for him that morning in bed. That day seemed so long ago.

"I missed you so much," Josh said.

"Thank you," Tyler whispered. It took him a minute, but he realized that that was the first time he had ever spoken within these walls. He wondered if the nurse lady was listening and if she'd mention anything later.

"I brought you something," Josh said as they sat down. He retrieved the black bag and unzipped it to reveal a ukulele. Tyler tipped his head in confusion and Josh quickly explained, his face flushing slightly. "You told me you were learning to play the piano. I couldn't bring a piano in here, so I got this instead. I have some chord charts, too, if you want. I thought you'd enjoy some music. I don't know how to play, though. It's for you. You can have it."

Tyler gently picked up the instrument and strummed it softly. The sound was cheap, but he didn't care. The generosity and thoughtfulness meant so much more to him. He looked at the chord sheet Josh had brought and slowly began to learn how to play some basic chords. Josh didn't say anything as he practiced. He just sat there with his arm around Tyler's waist, keeping him safe while he played.

Nothing could get to him now. He was completely safe for the first time in years. The bumblebees bounced cheerfully around his body and he heard himself humming as he strummed, his chords awkward and off-beat, but he was having the time of his life. Josh brushed his lips over his cheek and Tyler grinned, his smile as wide as the Pacific Ocean. He hadn't smiled like that in a long time.

He leaned into Josh and rested against his shoulder as he played absentmindedly, and then he noticed that Clancy and Nico were sitting on the floor, listening. Not fighting, not crying, not staring. Just listening. It was perfect.

"Josh?" Tyler said softly, tipping his head to look at him.

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I love you, too, Ty."

Tyler gave him a confused smile. "Ty?"

Josh blushed. "It's a nickname I started using. I won't use it if you don't like it, though."

Even though Tyler hated it when his siblings called him Ty, he didn't mind when Josh did. He actually kind of liked it. "No, I like it," he said, putting the ukulele down next to him and pressing himself closer to Josh's warmth. He sighed softly and stared at the wall. "I wish it could be like this forever. Just you and me."

"Well, it can't. You know why?" Josh shifted so they were facing each other. He took Tyler's hands and squeezed them tight. "Because we're going to fix this. You're going to get better. We'll work something out, and then when you get out of here, we can hang out whenever you want. We can go to the park and watch movies and get ice cream and play basketball and do whatever you like."

"Then life will be perfect," Tyler whispered.

"Exactly." Josh smiled at him, that beautiful white Christmas and July sunshine smile Tyler missed so much. He rubbed his thumbs gently over the bandages on Tyler's wrist, but didn't look down. "You just gotta make it through this part. And I know you can. You're stronger than you think. And you're not alone in this. I'll come visit you whenever I can. You just gotta let me in. Can you do that?"

"Yeah," Tyler said, and out of the corner of his eye, he saw Nico flinch as if he'd been slapped. "Yeah, I think I can do it."

"That's half the battle," Josh said. "You're halfway there." His watch buzzed and he looked down at it. "Dang, I gotta go. My aunt's waiting for me."

"Your aunt?"

"Yeah." Josh smiled again, and Tyler thought it was the happiest smile he had ever given him. "I called her at the hospital and explained everything, and she said I could stay with her for a while until we figure things out."

"That's awesome," Tyler said, sharing his smile.

"Sick," Josh corrected, and they both laughed.

"Yeah," Tyler said. "That's sick."

"Yeah, she's super nice. And she has a cat. It'll be okay, I think." Josh stood up and sighed, running his hand through his cotton candy pink hair. "Sorry I'm running off again."

"It's okay," Tyler said, standing with him.

"I'll come see you as soon as I can, okay?"

"Okay." Tyler grabbed him in one last hug, soaking in his warmth, and then Josh had to pull away.

"I'll see you later, Ty," Josh said, flashing him a final smile.

"See you." Tyler watched him leave, and for once, he didn't feel colder when he was gone.

The nurse lady and the doctor came in a few minutes later, their faces beaming. "We knew you'd talk eventually," the nurse said with a grin.

Tyler shrugged. "I needed a good reason to."

"Dinner is in a few minutes. Do you want to come?"

"Sure."

He followed her out of his room, and for once, the two imaginary voices stayed behind, sitting on the floor. They watched him leave, their eyes soft and helpless. Tyler glanced over his shoulder at them, and to his surprise, Clancy gave him a tiny, timid smile.

"I'm so happy," he whispered, and Tyler smiled back.

He felt better than he had in a long time. He couldn't keep the small smile from his face even as he followed the nurse down the blank halls and past other patients. Josh was with him. Josh believed in him. Maybe his parents would help him, too. Even if they couldn't, he thought it could do it without them. If Josh thought he could do it, then he would do his very best to make sure he was right. Josh deserved to be right sometimes. And for a moment, Tyler let himself believe that he deserved to be right, too, and not right about all the bad things the voices told him.

The voices hissed in his ear again, and he tried his best to ignore them. Josh knew he could do it. Josh knew he was strong. He could do it. He  _ would _ do it. He would do it for Josh, and they'd live happily ever after. It would be okay eventually, and for the first time in his life, he believed it with every part of his soul.

"Oh, I think we found a new method that might help you a lot," the doctor said.

"What is it?" Tyler asked curiously.

"Music therapy."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that's everything, friends. this fic is really important to me and i have so much to say about it that i won't bore you with, but i hope you enjoyed it, even though it's depressing. stay alive, guys. it's worth it, i promise.  
> \- Brook


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